An open letter to...THE CRAZY MEN WHO HIT ON ME DURING THE FULL MOON,

I just found out that full moon's happen every 28 days (don't ask me why I didn't know this before...yikes!). Perhaps it was this new-found knowledge, or just crazy full moon behavior, but this week was full of the crazies all up in my bizzzz-naaaasss! So, I offer you an open letter to....THE CRAZY MEN WHO HIT ON ME DURING THE FULL MOON!

Dear THE CRAZY MEN WHO HIT ON ME DURING THE FULL MOON,

You guys...where did you come from? Seriously? I'm concerned. 

This week I was minding my own business and BAM! there you are. I've never seen you out and about before! Hitting on me from all angles. I didn't even know how to respond!

This may be an invasive question, but since you have already invaded MY space...I'm sure you'll understand. 

Are you werewolves? It's ok...you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. I just need to know. If you are werewolves, I probs don't want you all up in my bizz as I don't want to catch the werewolf from you! You understand this, right?  

Imagine, if you will, seeing this girl out and about on the town...what about her blue bow makes you think that she wants you all up in her area distracting her from her vodka delight? 

Let me talk to each of you individually because I don't want the others to hear. Let me start with you MAN WITH A MULLET AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD BAR.

Sir, I just...I...jesus..I just don't even know where to start. 

My friend and I certainly are the age of a daughter you may or may not have.  Your insistent awkward banter is upsetting me. Please, for the love of your mullet...stop. 

Ok, GUY PRETENDING TO BE MY WAITER.

The jig is up, dude...I know you don't work at this restaurant. You know how I know? You're drinking a pitcher of beer when you say you're going off to get me some more waiter. 

No, I will not tip you by giving you my number.

No, I will not drink anything you have given me.

No, I will not even look you in your creepy face. 

Stop.

Alright, MAN WHO SORTA LOOKS LIKE A GIRL AND IS WEARING A HALTER TOP WITH SKULLS ON IT:

Where did you even come from, sir??? It was Pride weekend, were you lost? I'm sorry, that was a mean thing to say. I apologize. But seriously, where the eff did you come from, and why are you lounging at the bar staring down my shirt? It's unnerving. 

Cute top though. 

You're not going unnoticed, GUY WHO HONKED AT ME FROM HIS CAR AS I DROVE HOME FROM THE THEATER!

Sir, honking at little blonde girls when they are driving and winking is frowned upon these days. Perhaps you didn't know...but this is common sense. 

Also, sir...I'm wondering why you thought THIS....

....was something you needed to tap. I still had clown make-up on my face, I may or may not have just been picking my nose, and I always drive with that sneer on my face. 

May I ask...what did you find so enticing?

Sir, let me drive and leave me to my driving. 

Finally...

MARRIED GUY.

Have you no common sense? Also, what makes you think I'm "the other woman" material. Here's a tip for you, buddy...I'm not! 

Also, you just talked about your wife...so umm...that's a dealbreaker for me, ladies! Get it together. Keep it in your knickers, and get out of my face. Please. Your cute level went down 304% when you asked me out. 

Puke. On. Your. Face.

Gentlemen, work it out and get it together over the next 28 days before the full moon returns. 

Cute, normal, non-werewolf men....call me.

xo, 

Me

Sparky! Not just a seal anymore!

Do you believe in "the spark"? I do. A friend of mine went on a seemingly perfect first date tonight. Ice skating, dinner, and even a good night smooch. Sounds like a perfect date combo, no? Not tonight. She left the evening feeling....blah. She said ice skating was funsies. Dinner was alright. And the kiss? Well the kiss was awkward...so awkward, in fact, that mid-way through she started thinking about her physics homework! No bueno.

So what happened? If you'll indulge me in what I believe to be the best physics metaphor I can make... (this will soon turn out to have nothing to do with physics by the time I'm done with it)...Why didn't A+B=2nd date? There was no spark. I usually say I know within the first 5 minutes of meeting a person whether I dig them or not. I know that is a probs a gross overstatement, but it's pretty true for me. 

Recently I went on a first "let's hang out but not call it a date" and I knew I was smitten right away! Our conversation lasted hours, I couldn't peel myself away from how effing fascinating he was. He was adorable. He had all the qualities of a human being I enjoy. I knew right away that I was on the path to Smittenville. Perhaps this makes me sound loco...but I knew it! Does this mean that I was ready to run off and buy a suburban home, make him put a flashy ring on my finger, and start taking couples pilates with him? Certainly not! I just knew I dug him. 

Recently I went on another first "let's hang out but not call it a date" and I knew I was NOT smitten right away. Our conversation was a bit of a snooze-fest, he was also adorable, but only had some of the qualities of a human being I enjoy. I knew right away this was not the dude for me. Why? No sparky! I just wasn't into it. So our lack of conversation topics and the fact that I wanted to go home pretty much 5 minutes into the "let's hang out but not call it a date"... didn't bum me out very much! Why? No SPARKY!

Here's the thing about the sparky...it's not always turning into a flamey! Perhaps I could feel the spark right away with Bachelor  #1, but that doesn't mean that his campfire is open for business. Take for instance my friend's date tonight...she was NOT feeling it whatsoever, yet he insisted on having an awkward make-out sesh in which he allowed his stubble to "give [her] chin an unexpected microdermabrasion". Why did this happen? Because he felt the spark, yet didn't care to notice that her logs weren't ready to be burned. I dare say...they were soggy logs? (no, I shan't say that..that's gross). What I mean to say is that the spark can be one-sided. Ya...that's what I meant to say (I think). 

So how do we make a flame? Hell if I know! All I know is this: I am more inclined to hang out with Bachelor #1 again because he gives me fireflies in the tum tum and I like that. And Bachelor #2? Well...not so much. If he asks...my logs are soggy and can not ignite from his sparks to create a campfire suitable for..umm..making s'mores (jeeeze louise...i'm sorry for the metaphors).

Go find a spark! 

An OPEN LETTER TO....THE PEOPLE THE WRITE THE SIGNS IN THE WOLF AREA OF THE ZOO.

Today I went to the zoo. It was epic. I couldn't help but notice some of the very graphic educational signs scattered about. So today I present to you an open letter to....THE PEOPLE THE WRITE THE SIGNS IN THE WOLF AREA OF THE ZOO.

Dear THE PEOPLE THE WRITE THE SIGNS IN THE WOLF AREA OF THE ZOO,

You guys are comedy gold. Seriously. Someone call Stephen Colbert and John Stewart and tell them that they MUST have you geniuses write for them. Don't know what I'm talking about? Seriously? You have NO idea what I am talking about.

Ok, ok..what about this little sign that you posted?

Do you see the comedic value in this drawing at all, Wolf sketch artists?

There is comedy in here. Childish comedy? Perhaps, but comedy nonetheless. You see, the snarling wolf face, labeled as "aggressive", behind the erect tail of another wolf, labeled "dominant", presents a sort of "A+B= Inappropriate wolf sex sketch" sort of comedy. With his wrinkled nose and exposed teeth, that aggressive wolf is truly ready to pounce on that other wolf's naughty bits. There is comedy there. See it. Embrace it. Love it. 

Amateurs would have stopped at one sign, but you guys are no spring chickens! No, you took this opportunity to post another little gem! 

Seriously guys...THIS is what you drew for wolf submission? That wolf is on her back with a smile on her face..that smile was clearly drawn on there by you, the artists. Do wolves smile like that when they are ready to give it up and do the deed? Perhaps they do, I am no wolf-ologist...but methinks they keep their gentle wolf faces clear from any smiling action. The addition on a wolf smile? Comic gold. 

Finally, you comedic geniuses know the rule of three. 1, 2, BAM! You know how to leave us laughing! And so, you left us with this ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY piece of artwork....

THE ANAL SNIFF.

Wow. You really know how to keep me giggling through the day, you saucy minxes, you. As if the words "Anal Sniff" didn't create a detailed enough picture in my mind, you took this opportunity to sketch it out for me! Thank you. Thank you SO much. 

You guys....are awesome. You are truly educating the world, but not in wolf facts...rather, you are educating in the art of comedy.

Thank you.

Love, 

Me

Pressure cooker...not just for rice anymore, but for your relationships!

(Don't cut your child's hair like this...it will lead to relationship problems and complexes)

Settle in, children. I'm going to tell you a story. Here are the important deets you need to know. Alice, Elizabeth, and I were in 6th grade. Elizabeth had recently cut her hair into a very short pixie cut. A family party was that night...we were attending. No one would have guessed that this night would life in infamy.

As Alice and Elizabeth gallivanted about at the party, a guest tapped Alice on her shoulder. "Is that your boyfriend?" she said.... shooting a presumptuous look in Elizabeth's general direction. "Umm..no. This is my friend Elizabeth" little Alice said.

Wow. Awkward.

I have a theory that was the night things really went downhill for all of us in the men department.

I'm just going to come out and say it, folks. Single girls my age are getting a lot pressure these days. Everywhere I go it's "Are you dating anyone?" or "Is that your boyfriend?" or even "That strange boy sitting 3 feet away from you should probs know you are single because we're worried you're a hopeless cause and perhaps he'll take pity on you and take you out!" What's the deal, yo?

It always happens around my parents friends. My phone rings, they glance down, it's a boy..."MY GOD! SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! THANK GOD!" You can sense the relief in all of them. You always want to just say.. "Guess what, folks? He's not my boyfriend! In fact, he's just another boy on the long list of 'just friends' "...but instead you just coyly smile and leave them to their aged imagination. :)

As much as we would like to say the pressure doesn't get to us...we're all lying..it gets to us. How could it not? Constantly fielding the questions of why you are perpetually single can get...repetitive. The questions make you think about why you are single, and then question if you're weird or somethin'. (Disclaimer: you're not.)

Single or not... here are some facts. I'm a happy person. I love my friends, my family is pretty awesome, and my job[s] make me smile. So what's all the fuss about? Why is everyone trying to pair me off with some goon, when perhaps I'm happy runnin' solo for awhile? Here's why: people my age are effing getting married already! WHAAAAT? It's like a race to the finish line with the people I know. Girls I grew up with are moving in with their boyfriends, or even (it's not even something I can truly comprehend..gasp!) getting engaged. Boys I know are biting at the bit to seal the deal AND actually date the girls they think are gorgeous! Are we living in a 20-something twilight zone or something?

So where do I fall in this 20-something, love-hungry equation? I don't even think I factor into it to be quite honest. The expectations from my peers to "settle down" or "pair off with that special someone" seems absurd to me. I'm 22 and I have no intentions of settling down anywhere! In fact, I feel like I'm just beginning! You see, I never dated when I was in my teenage years. I explored the world, I laughed, I skipped and frolicked! I did all of those things while my friends skipped and frolicked from boyfriend to boyfriend. Of course at 22 they are ready to settle down, they must be exhausted by now! But that's just not for me. I seem to be on a different timeline.

The truth is this: the pressure doesn't come from anyone other than ourselves. Whether it be our peers or our parents and their friends, WE decide whether we feel badly about ourselves or not, they are simply a mirror in which we see ourselves. If you start out feeling badly that you are single, someone pointing it out won't make you feel peachy keen! If you make the conscious effort to embrace your singledom, and spend time with the people you care about the most...you will continue to be happy! If you want to stay single until you are 84 with 12 cats...just do it..and be HAPPY about it! Also...Whatever you do though, don't cut your hair into a short pixie cut like Elizabeth and walk around with your girlfriends...the pressure will triple! :)

AN OPEN LETTER TO....THE BUFFOONS AT GRAND OLD DAY 2010!

As massive crowds invade my space today on the blessed holiday of Grand Ol' Day, I am getting the incredible urge to shout my opinions from my balcony. Instead of doing this, I offer you AN OPEN LETTER TO....THE BUFFOONS AT GRAND OLD DAY 2010!


DEAR THE BUFFOONS AT GRAND OLD DAY 2010!

Welcome to the neighborhood. Most of you aren't from around here, I assume. As you frolic down the Avenue I'm struck with the variety of you that have come out of your little holes in the 'burbs, and made your way to St. Paul. Truly and genuinely...I welcome you. May I take this time to address of a few of you with some of my kind observations? Thank you. You are very kind. Let me start with you PARENTS.

1. PARENTS: 

Hey, Parents. Bet you thought today was a really great day for family fun? I know your fears of the little ones getting lost....but may I ask....

WHY IS YOUR CHILD ON A LEASH?????????

I'm only going to say this once, parents. That is so demeaning to your child. Had you popped out a litter of puppies 2 years ago from your lady bits, I would understand your purchase of a leash. Alas, you popped out a baby...not a puppy. A BABY! Remove that child from the leash, open your eyes, and be a parent. If you don't think you can handle it, maybe this street fair isn't for you until the little tyke can wander on it's own. 

2. MEN WITH CRAZY BEARDS:

Anyone who has read the blog before knows that my stomach turns at the topic of men with long beards. I can only assume, Men with Crazy Beards, that you are not avid readers of the blog. Let me ask you this...where have you been all year? Why is it that you only appear at block parties and State Fairs? I don't see you around the Holidays. I certainly don't see you at Church. Where are you hiding? Aren't you hot underneath there? Just a little? 

3. MILEY CYRUS WANNABES:

G.O.Day is a perfect day for you because you just got out of school for the summer and you're feeling feisty. Your parents haven't set any rules for you for the summer yet because you have yet to get in trouble...until today. Clearly you're drunk (I've been there and done that, kids..and that water bottle is full of vodka..not H20. You're not fooling anyone). You have covered your bodies in temporary tattoos that were tossed out at the parade. And you are prancing around hitting on men 20 years older than you, in hopes that they will sneak you into the beer garden. They won't. Go home and drink some water. 

4. People that "forgot" to bring sunscreen:

When you wear only this:

...and this is out:

...this will happen:

It's simple math. Either learn how to apply sunscreen, or wear this...

(with a sun hat, of course).

5. All Dogs:

You shouldn't have to walk around dressed like that all day. I'm sorry. I bet you're hot. Go lap up a melted slushie off the street. 

6. People in Crazy, inappropriate outfits:

Ladies, I commend you for the balls that you strapped on to wear that outfit to a quaint neighborhood street festival, but may I ask..WHY? Those shorts? They are not shorts..they are a piece of fabric you wrapped around your hoo-ha. That tube top? Wouldn't be my first choice today. And those heels...where do I even begin? From one shoe-whore to another..I love me some sky-high heel situations, but were you aware of the walking you were doing today? We all know you are lying mid-day when we ask how you are doing and if your feet hurt and you say..."oh no, I live in heels"...ya..but usually you are sitting down. Carry on, sister-friend. Dump that blood out of your shoes at the end of the day.

Gentlemen, don't think I forgot you. 

There will NEVER be a time for you to wear short-shorts. NEVER. It is mind-boggling to me that you would even own these, let alone whip them out on a Sunday, THE LORD'S DAY! The addition of the shoes and socks, tiny back pack, and absurd hat to the ensemble makes this outfit even more alarming. I just...I'm not sure..I..umm...I'm sorry. I can't even form words.

So there you have it folks of Grand Ol' Day. I'm sure I'll see you at the Minnesota State Fair in a few short months. I hope you take these words to heart, and consider changing your ways. I'll see you there. 

xo,

Me

Wait...what? Let me get off the PIty Train so I can hear you clearly.

I was recently alerted to the fact that a dear friend of mine wanted to ask me out on a date when we first met...but he didn't. Whaaaaaatttt? Let's catch that ball coming waaaay out of left field! (What? Did I just make a sports reference? Yes. Yes, I did.) I had no idea he even realized I was a girl, let alone wanted to ask me out on a date. This sent me into a flurry of thoughts. I had no idea he was even remotely interested in what the Madde had to offer him. How would I have known? What would I have said if he had asked me? Would we still be friends now? Truly bizarre and rando, but flattering.

Sometimes I like to take a choo-choo ride on the Pity Train and proclaim to the world that no one ever likes me..ever, but this recent revelation changed that game for me. What if lots of charming fellows have been smitten with me in the past, but I'm just too dense to even realize it? When traveling on that Pity Train, you think you are the only person in the world who has ever had a crush on another human being...guess what! YOU'RE NOT! (Is your mind blown? I know. Mine too.)

Crushes are a two-way street. You can be as smitten as a kitten with someone and they will never know because you have not told them in anyway, but were you aware that other person has that same ability to like you too! So how do we even make that person know that you like them? Do you hope for Jesus to appear to them in a dream and say "Yo..that chick really likes you. Jesus out!" (Jesus then flies away...weee!) Or perhaps you're hoping for telepathic mind abilities to take over your heads during your ambiguous drink dates. Nope. Not gonna work. My extensive scientific research proves there is only one solution...You open up your mouth and tell that person that you like them. Easy as that.

Had this dear friend of mine told me he liked me and asked me out on a date, I surely would have gone and tested the waters, but clearly there was a fear factor inside of him. My personal road block comes when we get to "Fear of the Unknown" Street. What if I open up my mouth, tell you I like you, and you say you're not interested? Well, that's just the name of the game, I guess. Surely you won't berate me for the stupidity of my affections. I'm pretty sure they won't get up and leave right then and there. They won't even slap you across the face with that piece of fish they are having for dinner. They will be a nice person and be kind in their honesty, I hope (for all of us). There is good news, though!! Guess what! Maybe you're hanging out with someone who isn't a Negative Nancy and wants to tell you that they like you too, but just didn't know how or when! Whaaaaaat? Is that even possible? Yes, it is.

So, if you are a woose like me..open up your mouth hole and tell that person that you're smitten with how you feel. They may not have any idea, or maybe they feel just the same way. :) If not, kick 'em to the curb and continue being your fabulous effing self.

A Third Wheel Situation

When I was 16 my best gay friend asked me if I would go to a movie with him. When we got to "X-Men" (yikes. what a flick) we were met with one other gentleman and a chick I had never seen before. "Who are these people?" I asked innocently...He replied quietly "This is my first date with Jeremy...and that's his friend Jessica. You guys are our air bags. Be nice..and when I tell you to go away..effing go away...fast." Umm...what the eff? Jessica and I stared at each other with disgust in our eyes. Air bags on their first date...awesome. Thanks guys.

I've found myself making guest appearances on other peoples dates often, actually. Purely by accident I can appear out of no where and kill the mood of romance. The problem arises when I honestly don't realize that I may be intruding on someones essential "alone time". In fact it was just the other day that I realized it was very possible I had accidentally invited myself onto the first date of a friend of mine with a new lady friend. I'm actually not even sure it was a legit date thingy with them, but it sure felt like it when I arrived as they sat at the bar staring longingly into each other's eyes. It was def an awkward turtle situation and there was no escaping it. When I asked her later how she knew him and she replied, "We've actually only met once, and this is our first time hanging out," it all became clear. I was on their first date with them. Great. Awesome. Super. Good for them.

Behavior when you've accidentally appeared on another person's date is hard to get just right. You want to remain cool, calm, and collected, but you also want to be able to pick up the cues of when you need to jump ship and float in the ocean of singles alone. I would like to say I pick up these cues really easily, but I think that may be a lie. Having a myriad of serial dating best friends, I have grown accustomed to the "Madde you are single and cramping our style, please get out of the room so that we can get up in each other's business." I like to use that time to go outside and stare at a wall, or other fascinating activities like that. Sometimes I pick up on those cues and just decide not to listen to them. Why should I have to go wander the streets alone because one of you invited me to this movie? That doesn't seem fair now does it.

If we are at a movie, I like to sit in between the two lovebirds. You know, just so that I can hear the conversation. If we're at dinner, why don't one of us share something? No? If we're in the car..I get shotgun! Woo! I have no shame about being the most obnoxious third wheel known to man.

But being perpetually single doesn't make being the third wheel feel any better, especially when you are the third wheel to a situation in which you would like to just be a two-wheeler. What if you are smitten as a kitten with the fellow who has invited the other chick? Well, to be frank... it sucks. There's no other way of putting it. Situations like that make it even harder for you to say to this fellow..."Hey, buddy...let's lose the other chick and go out on a date just the two of us." It's a hard topic to bring up later too, especially if you've chosen the method of "adore him from afar, and for the love of all things Jesus, don't let on that you're smitten because that makes you human with feelings..dont' let him know that you're a human..as that song says..are you human? or are you a dancer? don't be human! be a dancer!" (a signature Madde method I like to use). You see, bringing it up is a sure-fire sign to him that you may or may not be jealous. It tips him off, and you may not be ready to let him know.

So how do I deal? I remain ready in the back seat. A polished third wheel just waiting for that other wheel to get a hole in it or prove flat, so that I can have a turn taking a spin on that bike that I'm smitten with :)