An open letter to...COUPLES THAT COME TO THE THEATER

And she's back!!! 

**Please accept my patented "Apology Face" as a small apology to you. I know you've been sad (just lie to me..once..just do it!)**

You guys, I can't believe I haven't blogged in almost a month. What the eff is wrong with me? 

I would like to say I've been building a school for stupid elephants in Africa during the last month. That isn't true. I would like to say I've been writing inspirational music for the Opening Ceremonies for the London Olympics, that is also not true. I would like to say I have been spending every waking hour meditating on world peace and practicing my Downward Dog...we all know that isn't true. 

There are multiple reasons I haven't been blogging (you will get a run down of those in future blogs), but the main reason is..I've been putting on skits around town. That's right. Skits. I've been pretending to do things on stage and people have been paying to see me do this. 

This leads to me to my latest open letter... An Open Letter to....COUPLES THAT COME TO THE THEATER!

Dear COUPLES THAT COME TO THEATER,

Date night, eh? Presh. First I want share with you how pleased I am that you have chosen to come to the theater to see my play. Wait..you guys! You aren't listening! You guys! Stop touching each other! Guys! WOAH! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PUTTING YOUR HANDS THERE IN PUBLIC??

Ok, couples...I have had ENOUGH! I totally get it! You're really into each other! Super. Good job. I'm glad you have found your soul mate, but why are you doing your naughty business DURING MY SHOW! This has not happened just once! No, in fact I have seen many of you couples out doing this nasty business all throughout the month of July and August! What don't you get about what is happening right now???

Even though you are seemingly amateur exhibitionists, I should not assume you know the logic of the theater. Let me give a little lesson. This wooden platform I'm standing on right now is called a stage. I stand on it and spout my lines from my face. I have a feeling you may be confusing this experience with a little thing we like to call a "MOVIE". Although the seats you are sitting in are very similar to those found in a movie theater, you are not in a movie theater. You are in an actual theater. I am real. I can see you from where I'm standing. Don't you dare think for a second that I can't see exactly what you are doing! Including the placement of your hand DOWN her floral skirt! I can see that, you guys! I'm right up here! You are lit! I saw your awkward approach, and I am bearing witness to the ridiculous aftermath that is your naughty behavior IN PUBLIC! 

This is making my uncomfortable. Like super way no ok uncomfortable. Please stop! And if you can't, you shouldn't me allowed out of the house. EVER!

Love, 

Me

ps- thanks for coming to my show! Hope you liked it! Tell your friends! Hopefully they have some social graces!