An Open Letter to..THE 131 PEOPLE I DEFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK!

I have a lot bizarre habits. For instance, I have a strange tissue phobia. Yes, that's right. A tissue phobia. Just the sight of a box of tissues forces me to stuff the puffy part down into the hole so I don't have to see it. There. I said it. It's weird, I know. Sorry.

One of my most bizarre and unnecessary habits is defriending people on Facebook. Defriending usually happens whenever I get a cold that requires me to stay in bed for at least a few hours. Perhaps minor common colds give me a feeling of mortality, forcing me to "get real" and "focus on the people that are important in my life"...but I think I do it cuz my nose is stuffy and I'm bored.

So now, an open letter to...THE 131 PEOPLE I DEFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK

DEAR THE 131 PEOPLE I DEFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK LAST WEEK,

Well........................this is awkward. Umm...You well? That's good. So.....anyway....So....how 'bout them Twins, eh?........................ I don't like sports!! We all know that! AH!!

             

Ok, I can't do this charade anymore! I'm just going to cut to the chase, you guys. I just had to do it. I had to defriend you! I'm sorry. If your feelings are hurt, I suggest you get over it. 

You have to understand this was hard for me too! I don't want any tears! Stop with the tears!! Please. You're making me feel guilty. Just stop it.

You have to know this...My process was organic. I didn't go into the Facebook defriending with YOU in mind specifically. It just happened to end up that way. You didn't make the cut this time. This happens sometimes, former Facebook friend. You see, I went through my friends one by one, and had to use some very harsh tactics to ensure that my defriending was efficient that day. These are the following reasons I probs went all deletey-crazy all up on your profile:

1.  WAIT, WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? 

If I had no idea who you were from your name alone...DEFRIEND. I'm not sure how you got in my facebook to begin with. I'm sure it was a "you know my friend and I got drunk and told you a dirty joke at a party one night, so you friended me on Facebook...yay! We're best friends!" situation. Carol "The Body" Messerschmietz? DEFRIEND.

2. EMO-KID STATUS UPDATES FROM AN ADULT WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER: 

If you continually post status updates that make me feel the following emotions, you're headed for defriendville: sad, depressed, annoyed, bummed sauce, woebegone, irked, and miffed. I don't have time for those feelings in my daily life. I have a lot of things to do today, and feeling badly for you is not one of them. DEFRIEND. (I'm sorry. I'll buy you a journal for your birthday. I promise.)

3. One Word: FARMVILLE:

Knock it off! I don't like fake farming, I repeat, I DON'T LIKE FAKE FARMING! I don't want to help you buy a chicken, or find a home for the fake turtle you "found" somehow while you were sitting on your bum at work. You know how I respond to your request for me to milk your fake cow?? DEFRIEND! It's not that I don't like you, I just don't like that stupid game you play. You understand, I'm sure. Quit the fake farm, regain the Madde. 

And finally..the most offensive of them all...

4. 20 MILLION PICTURES OF YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT: 

If I wanted to be in your relationship, you would find me spooning with you 2 in the middle of the night. Please look in your bed right now... am I snuggled in next to your cat with my September issue of Vogue? No? That means I don't want to be in the middle of your make-out session with you and your lady friend. You, your tongue, your girlfriend, and your nastiness have earned you a DEFRIEND. 

In conclusion, I hope you are able to rectify some of these things before you refriend me. It has the potential to get reaaaaaaaally awkward-sauce if you refriend me and I have to defriend you...AGAIN. 

xo, 

Me