An Open Letter to...PEOPLE THAT SMOKE WEED WHILE DRIVING!

Yesterday my sister yelled at me for engaging in a "Wave-Off" on the road with some dudes right next to us in the car. They kept waving at me! I couldn't be rude! I thought they were friendly until she noted they were probably high because they were clearly smoking weed in the car. Today I offer an open letter to...PEOPLE THAT SMOKE WEED WHILE DRIVING!

Dear PEOPLE THAT SMOKE WEED WHILE DRIVING,

What the hell is wrong with you? Clearly you're an idiot, so let's get that out of the way, but seriously--what's the logic on this one? Oh, I'm sorry. Have I lost my "cool"? Am I not being "chill" enough for you "bro"? I'll lower my voice....It's cool man. It's cool.

Ok, cool. We cool? Cool. Alright. Awesome. Rad. Mmmk...So,  I digress--you're so goddamn enlightened, so why don't you enlighten me on this little ditty? Why are you smoking weed in your car...WHILE IT'S MOVING?? Seriously.  First off, you couldn't wait until you were at least pulled over to pass that pipe around? I'm no square, but this is where I draw the line! I get it, someone likes the mary-jane! More power to you, but when you're driving? Are we being for serious on this one? Seriously bro, it's not safe, you'll probs get arrested, and well...you look like a moron when you're high and waving at two sisters as they drive in their automobile. 

Put the pipe down and stop waving at me, I can't help but wave back! So really, you're making ME look like an idiot. I resent you for that, bro. 

xo,

Me

Damaged Goods

I love to shop. There, I said it. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Ugh. That felt good. Now let's get this blog written so I can go shop some more! :)

I've always been a sucker for bargain shopping. I love vintage shopping and clearance shopping. I love the possibilities of finding something fabulous to love forever. I can be found heading straight to the clearance rack to find that one piece of clothing that is missing a button or has a small mark on the bottom, something fixable on an item with flair!  Many people see these things as "damaged goods", but I just see them as an opportunity on something I simply can't give up!

After bearing witness to one of my famous disastrous love interactions, a  love mentor of mine, or a "LOVE-TOR" if you will (and I do hope you will), recently told me that as I got older she hoped I would learn to avoid "damaged goods".

Hmmm...."Damaged goods"..."damaged goods"...I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. When I sat down to reflect on this concept, it dawned on me, at the end of the day..........

 ...aren't we ALL damaged goods?

I'm pretty sure I'm missing a few buttons up in my mind-grapes, why shouldn't everyone else have the opportunity to have a few loose too?

I guess the level of damage is important to think about though. For instance, I would never buy a sassy polka-dot shirt with a rip in the armpit because that is a damage to the shirt that is pretty much beyond my abilities of restoration, but a missing button on the front? Shoot, I can do a little cross-stitch button action to get that baby up and running again. The same can be said for a man. We've all had a heartbreak or two, we can sew a button on that! No problem! But if the last relationship he was in left him homeless and wandering the street searching for the love of a passing stranger, I'm pretty sure I don't have a sewing machine that can deal with that rip.

We're all searching for a deal, but when it comes to matters of a mate perhaps one should stay out of the clearance bin and simply buy off the rack at a Vintage store. True, we're all damaged goods, but what about finding a fabulously pre-loved and cared for item that you will cherish as your own forever.

An Open Letter to....MUFFIN TOPS!

It's almost wintertime and they have reared their ugly selves. Today I offer an open letter to....MUFFIN TOPS!

Dear Muffin Tops,

Whatchu doin' out this time of year? In fact, whatchu doin' out ANY time of year? Muffin Top, as I stood on the street corner last night (hangin' with my pals...not workin' it! Je promise!), you came sauntering around the corner like you owned that place. I was in shock. I was in awe. I was in...vomit. Muffin Top! Stay inside where you belong! This is for your own good, I promise. Muffin Top, you aren't cute, you aren't fun at parties, you bring a frowny face to my face. Muffin Top, do we need to talk? I think we do. 

We've all got a part of you inside of us, Muffin Top, but the smart peeps don't let you wander out onto the street unsupervised. Muffin Top, you suffer from inflated sense of self. This may be offensive to you, but it's time for some tough love. Muffin Top, you shouldn't feel as good about yourself as you do. This is for your own good, get off the streets and into a loose-fitting tee. The air is a drug to you, I know.

 I found a really helpful Muffin Top Rehab for you to go to, I've stuck the brochure in your belly button. Read it over. Consider getting some help. After all, the winter time is coming and I shan't say "I told you so!" when you catch a cold on the top of your Muffin. 

xo,

Me

The Lady-Besties Revolt

There has been an increase in my dude-friends getting these things that they like to call "girlfriends" lately. It's a very confusing concept to me. These women have creeped in right under my nose and BAM! dude-friend=gone!

You see as the "lady friend" or "token girly bestie",  one of two things happen when this "girlfriend" comes into the picture (both are equally as unfortunate). The first thing that can happen is he will turn to you for advice. In one situation dude-friend had been quietly dating the new girlfriend and not mentioning a word of her to me, and then suddenly...BAM! he's in love! Of course he's in love....of course he is. Plagued with the feelings of new love, he turned to me for some love advice. Uh-oh.

When dude-friends ask their lady-besties for advice about their new girlfriends, things can get sticky. You see because girls usually don't like other girls...for the most part. It's hard to be impartial in a situation in which you think that other girl is a tad on the skanky side, or smells like trouble. If you are a lady, you know this is true. I went to all-girls school so the scent of girly trouble has been beaten into my nostrils my whole life. So there he is, sitting with a pouty face, and he asks "What should I do about my new girlfriend?"...and what do I do? I roll my eyes and say "Get over it. Move on." Not cool, self. Not cool.

If dude-friends aren't coming to you for advice on their new girlfriends, it's because they have turned to the next option....DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. This is where most dude-friends go when they have their new girlfriends. You see, new girlfriends are threatened by his lady-besties and have asked that he spend less time with them, and more time with her...doing nothing. It's sad when the dude-friends drop off the face of the earth, lady-besties tend to miss them a lot when they vanish. A bit of advice to dudes to vanish when the new girlfriend comes into town...that's not cute. We forgive you for your stupidity, but it's not cute. Seriously. We didn't want to date you before, this new girlfriend isn't going to eff up our mind-grapes and make us think we're in love with you...calm down and call the lady-besty back every once and awhile. Yeesh!

Being a lady-besty can be a tough job, but they exist for a reason. Lady-besties are the perfect situation for a dude-friend because they offer the giggles of a lady, without the inevitable mundane boredom of the new girlfriend. At the end of the day, this new girlfriend is fleeting, but lady-besties are forevesies.

FREE KISSES!

FREE KISSES! 

So last night I partook in some smooching (the innocent sort, of course). As the face of a very dashing gentleman was pinned up against my own, it suddenly hit me..."Kissing is sorta weird, right??" Right.

Of course, I have shared many a kiss with many a fellow in my years, but it wasn't until last night that I realized what a bizarre behavior kissing truly is. I mean seriously...what the eff is it anyway?

Don't judge it, just listen up. Let's just talk about the logistics of kissing for a moment. Mmmk...When we human beings are attracted to one another we put our face ON another person's face, and sometimes, when we're feeling sassy, we lick each other's mouths. Humans do this for hours, sometimes DAYS, at a time. This is called "a kiss".

Why is this our instinct as humans? To press our faces on each other sounds bizarre, yet 90% of the world's population (this is a true fact that I googled) puts their faces on each other. Animals put their noses on each other to smell the other one out, but when was the last time you were kissing someone just so you could smell them?

As I reflected on this kissing phenomenon further, I realized that surely kissing is something that cavemen must have come up with, and I'll be honest with you...kissing is not the wheel. Caveman FAIL.
Imagine if they had picked a different body part to push together to show signs of affection! I propose our BUMS!

Here I display my proposed kissing idea. It is called "a Biss"--a bum-kiss. Whenever you're into someone you just go in for the bum touch! 

Positive things about "A Biss": 

germ free! 

fun for the whole gang! 

you can have a conversation with another person!

Long-story short, kissing is strange, but 90% of us are into it. Deal with it and put your face on another person's today! 

An Open Letter to....DUDES WITH MAN-PONIES!!

As I have wandered through life these days, I'm noticing a new fashion trend in the male world: man-ponies. Today I present some of my advice to the man-pony wearers of the world in my open letter to....DUDES WITH MAN-PONIES!!

Dear Dudes with Man-Ponies,

I commend you for making a fashion choice. A lot of men don't even bother to pay attention to their appearance and just walk around the world lookin' like a slob. Man-ponies have the potential to be very alluring. I mean we've all seen what David Beckham and Gavin Rossdale have been able to pull off with their Man-Ponies! Rock it out! 

With that said, Man-Ponies also have the potential to go horribly, horribly wrong. A few simple problems with the Man-Pony can make you go from spicy sex-pot all the ladies want to pounce on, to homeless man I feel I need to run away from.

Here are 3 simple tips for the Man-Pony: 

1. Length of the Man-Pony: A shoulder-length Man-Pony is good enough, boys. At the shoulders we get the point..."Oh, look! He has a Man-Pony! Coolsies!" Anything past the shoulder has the potential to get creeper.

2. Find a good conditioner to rub up in the Man-Pony: Nothing ruins a Man-Pony more than dryness. Gentlemen, I can not express this enough! If you are going to have a Man-Pony that you use to entice the ladies and gents of the world, condition that shit! No one wants to run their hands through a pile of straw! Spend that extra money you use to buy weed this month, and buy some deep conditioner. You'll thank me. 

...and finally...

3. "How vulumptious and enticing is my Man-Pony?": This should be a question all Man-Pony wearers ask themselves before engaging in a Man-Pony. Don't know what this means? Here's a simple test. Stand in front of a mirror with your Man-Pony intact. Turn on Seal's "Kissed By a Rose". Seductivly remove your Man-Pony. If what you see in the mirror is similar to an Herbal Essences commercial, you are a good candidate for a Man-Pony. 

Carry on bravely with your Man-Ponies, gentlemen. When done well, they can your secret weapon. Spiderman had his webs that sprung from his hands, Batman had that fancy car, YOU have your Man-Pony. Wear it with Pride....and condition that shit! 

xo,

Me

You're stupid...Oh, I'm sorry...I meant... "I like you".

In the 2nd Grade there was a boy who routinely pushed me over and called me "Moron Madde". It sorta made me sad. One day on the school field trip to the History Museum, he took me inside the life-size Wigwam Tipi and kissed me directly on my face region. Apparently he liked me. It was a surprise. It was a gross. It was surprisingly gross.

Girls are told as children that if he hits you or calls you names, that's only because he likes you. Sometimes that's true, but what a ridiculous thing to teach the young girls of the world, "Don't worry, girly...some day you'll realize how lucky you are that a man even talks to you at all, let alone push you down on the ground and call you an idiot! Enjoy it while it lasts..."

Those crazy, effed-up messages from my youth must have seeped in somewhere in my being, because today I realized something alarming! When it comes to matters of love, I've sorta become a 9-year old boy! AH! RUN!

Let me give you a run-down of the sitch today: A seemingly normal afternoon progresses, then cute man approaches. We've never met before. He is there meeting with my friend to go over some very official-looking paperwork. They are giggling. I'm awkwardly standing on the side. My friend gestures for me to come over. I stumble over, eyes glazed with attraction intrigue, also, this can't be verified, but surely drool dripped from my face. Cute man: Smiles. Me: "Who the eff is this person? I've never seen you before...you have something on your face..over it!" I proceed to ignore him the whole time.

Apparently this afternoon, I thought I would win this poor fellow's heart through a series of insults! I'm sure if  he had been a tad closer to me I would have pushed him down into the gravel and found the nearest pile of dog poo to shove up his nose...You know, because that's what you do when you like someone! Today I lived up to my childhood name, "Moron Madde".

Had today been an isolated incident, it wouldn't be cause for concern, but this seems to be a habit for ol' "Moron Madde". Without getting into gory deets, I was recently told by a gentleman caller that I had a biting tongue...and not in a hot way. Apparently my blunt observations about the way he lived his life weren't sugar-coated enough for him. So either I'm just super observant and good at pointing things out, or I'm a meanie-pants. Woopsies! My bad! Guess this habit is gonna be a hard one to breaksies.

9-year old boys insult other 9-year old girls because they are nervous that their affection will not be reciprocated, or their love will ruin their rep on the playground as a badass. The 9-year old boy stuck inside of me...(wait..nope..can't say that.....let's try that again.....ummm...)....My newest bad habit is caused from those same fears and insecurities shared with the male peers of my youth. If I show my cards of affection right up top, there's a chance he will go running in the opposite direction of my own personal jungle gym...and that would make me sad.

When faced with an age-appropriate gentleman caller, I shall try and say something nice from now on. There is a chance my badass reputation on the playground of life may precede me, but hopefully word hasn't gotten out yet! :) See ya on the swings!