Write Something Funny...

[A girl sits at her computer and says, “Alright...time to write something funny!”]

Funny. Hmmm.. Ok. Let’s write something funny, self. What’s funny? Do you know what’s funny. Let’s start with cats. People think cats are funny, right?

I’ve had two cats in my life. Casimir tried to strangle himself on the leash I put him on when I was in the 4th grade. He ended up with fluid in his lungs, but he survived. 

...Nah, that’s not funny. Don’t share that. People will feel sad for Casimir. Do you have any other funny cat stories, self? Try to lighten up the mood with this next cat story, ok? Keep it light. People need light.

One time I was housesitting for a cat and he got stung by a bee. Suddenly his head ballooned up to the size of a small basketball. When I took him to the vet they said he couldn't stay the night and I had to transfer him to another vet's office. Boy...was THAT a drive. 

...Stop it. Another cat injury story, Madde? Don’t share that story. Also, why does every cat in your car have some sort of emergency? People aren't going to trust you with their cats.

So I'm in the car, this cat's got this kitty IV in, and I'm all, "THIS IS NUTS!"

 ... STOP NOW. Let’s try and move away from cats. You knew the cat road was dangerous. Just drive past cats.

...What else you got?

Alright, I can do this. What else is funny? People love bad date stories. Do you have any bad date stories, Madde? 

I went out on a Tinder date a few months ago. You see, my therapist had advised I stop my pattern of dating emotionally unavailable comedians, because I was too emotionally AVAILABLE. 

Nobody wants to hear about the therapist I stopped seeing, self. Go back to the date story. 

So we get to lunch and he says, “You know that you are the only girl who has ever said ‘Thank you’ when I buy lunch?” I was appalled by this. How many bimbos was this doofus going out with, and why was I the only one who had skimmed Emily Post?

People want to hear how I screwed up. Tell a story about something awful that you've done. Stop looking like the victim. Nobody wants to date the victim, Madde.

One time on a date I made the following joke: “This has been fun. Maybe we can go out again sometime, presuming neither of us gets cancer and dies in the next week.” Really bad move on my part, turns out his father had just been diagnosed with cancer that week. He’s still alive, but I only know that because i’ve Facebook stalked the son who refused to ever call me again. 

Alright, regroup. You sound like a crazy person. Let’s try a new topic. What about funny things you see on the street? New York has tons of funny things that happen on the street. 

Today I saw a homeless man peeing in a trash can....INTO the trash can. Can he get a ticket for this? Is this littering? 

That is the end of this story? That's all you had? 

Ok...try a new observation story. 

Try to make it a STORY. 

Everyone has had that experience where you’re on the train and suddenly you realize the man in the corner is jerking off into a McDonald’s bag and staring at you, right?

I bet this isn’t a universal experience. What is wrong with you? Nobody wants to hear a stranger jerk off story. Try something universal. 

I had 2 martinis and a vanilla soft serve ice cream last night. When I woke up this morning I had a horrible headache. I came to the horrible realization that I was hung over, not from the martinis, but from the ice cream. 

It always comes down to your butt, Madde....

Regroup. 

You know what? I’m trying to write a funny blog and it’s just not working. I’m just going to take some time and go eat an ice cream cone while I gather my thoughts. 

...no. 

...no ice cream.