Are we just living to change our relationship status on Facebook?

You probs have a facebook, yes? If you don't, you know you should have one and you're walking around in the world just pretending like it doesn't exist. You're hip. Congratulations. :)

Anywhos, the "FB" as I like to call it, has made the modern dating world a bizarre place to live in. Imagine if you will, meeting someone at a party. You're having a great time. They are super fun. Their charm is something that makes you weak the knees. Their cute factor is at about a 12. You're smitten as a kitten. You exchange your names and hope to see each other again. Cut to the time in which you've returned home. It is an almost guarantee that BOTH of you are searching for the other on the FB. True story. You want to find out who they are...mutual friends?... were they ugly at some point? search the pictures...are they somewhat of a downer-pants? check the status updates for sad updates about how they only like the rainy days...and finally, relationship status. You go for the relationship status ASAP.

The FB has made it possible for us to pretty much research our crushes like a third grade book report before any moves are made. We all do it. Admit it. Stop sitting there saying.."I don't do that..That's weird"..yes you do. It's called "creepin'" and that's why the FB was invented. To creep. In fact, the other night whilst having drinks with a charming young gentlemen and discussing the FB,  he proclaimed... "Late at night I creep." Yes. That is a true story. That happened. He admitted it. I appreciated it.

So is this research good for us or does it take the excitement out of the future with this person? If you know everything about them like their love of pictures of baby animals (hehe, that's me!), or if you creep upon their pictures from their college trip to the Galapogos Islands to save the turtles..what's there to talk about on the first date? You certainly can't bring up the turtles on the date, that's a SURE sign that you creeped..and you don't want to ADMIT that you creeped. So do you just subtly bring up your love for turtles too at some point? Or are the turtles off the table for the conversation? When do you get to talk about the TURTLES? Will you EVER be able to talk about the turtles? Should you intentionally not talk about turtles if he brings them up? You don't want to blurt out..."Oh ya, I saw you holding a giant turtle on your facebook"...you can't say that. Date is over if you say that.

My extensive, scientific research has shown that the facebook creep is probs not the best for a budding relationship. Surprise yourself! Don't even friend your crush on the FB, don't accept their friendship if they request it! Get to know them the old-fashioned way, even though that seems oh-so obsolete in these over-technological times! Are we just living to change our relationship status? We should be living to actually ENJOY our relationships, not proclaim them on the internets.

So, what have we learned on the blog today, kids? Creepin' should only be done if you have the self-control to keep your mouth shut and NOT bring up the turtles at any point on your date. If you have that self-control, creep away! I do not have that self-control. No creepin' for me. Le sigh.

Somewhere over the rainbow...lie all my ex-boyfriends.

I received a phone call tonight from a very dear friend. It went something like this....

"Madde. 

I'm glad you answered the phone so late.

You were the only person who was going to understand this!

I think I met my soul mate.

We like all the same things.

He's wonderful.

I love him. 

I want to hook up with him...a lot.

BUT!!

He's gay! NOO!!

Ugh.

I finally know how you feel all the time!"

WOAH! Hold the phone! You felt like ME? Ok, fine. I get it. I would go to me too. You see, I understand this tale...VERY well. 

Many a gay man has fallen for the Madde. I suppose it's in my DNA or something. This brings me to my...... 

TOP 10 REASONS (some) GAY MEN LOVE ME SO MUCH.

1. My love of show tunes and the theatre. 
2. I wear sparkle in the daytime.
3. Four words: Liza Minnelli. Barbra Streisand. 
4. I haven't met a rumour I don't like to hear and then spread. :)
5. I own a wide variety of high-heeled foot decorations...and I wear them with ease and grace. 
6. Natural fabulousity? I've got it. 
7. My love of abbreviating words like "totes," and having no fear about using them in regular conversation.
8. The bigger my hair, the happier I am. I'm not afraid to tease it up. 
9. I wear things like exaggerated-shouldered denim jackets and hot pink leggings with no irony at all.
10. I AM CATNIP FOR THE GAYS. ENOUGH SAID.

      These things (and many more) make me a prime candidate for many gents who are looking to... hmmm...how should I say this...umm...well...they are looking to....ummm..."find themselves". Usually, they have some inkling that they want to date men, but use me as a distraction on their journey to gayville. This is not a job I take lightly, in fact I take this job very seriously. I'm their last shot at a woman for a very long time, so I have to really make my mark. I guess we could say this is a compliment to me. I'm so fabulous they couldn't help but get a date or two in with me before they bid adieu to the ladies! I'm flattered, boys...simply flattered. 

    My problem? Well usually I fall for the gents before I know they are gay. WOOPS! I tell myself, "No, Madde. He's just sensitive. That's sweet. That means he'll be a great father....No, Madde. He's not holding hands with that guy at the bar..he's just giving him a palm reading!" Yes, folks, I fool my little heart into believing that they are all about the ladies, when in fact, they are all about the dudes! Yay! It has become a running joke amongst my friends that I always have to check to make sure the guys I am crushing on or casually dating aren't gay. Le sigh. But here's the little secret they never tell you in dating school....you can use your intuition, you can ask all his friends, you can even ASK HIM, and he can always end up likin' the boys! Darn it!

So what can we do to avoid dating gay men, Madde? My extensive scientific research proves that you can...NOT do anything about it. Enjoy it. Continue to live in your fabulousity. And a straight one will come around soon. :)

So...to all of you experiencing the "oh my god, the guy I'm dating is gaysies" for the first time... :) Welcome to the club! Also know that there is a GREAT parting gift to this seemingly horrible dating disaster......

LOTS AND LOTS OF NEW GAY BOYFRIENDS!  :) YOU LUCKY DUCKS, YOU!  YAAAAAY! Please enjoy this song.... it's my theme song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK9VBxDlQOE

T.AA: Text-aholics Anonymous

(this could be ME if I'm not careful...bucktooth and all...)

Hi, thank you for joining me at this meeting. Can we gather in a circle and hold hands, please? 

Ugh. This is hard. Ooo..I don't know how I can say this. Mmmm..I need your support on this one.

My name is Madde and I'm a text-aholic. (Hi, Madde)

       I'm a text-aholic. Yes, a text-aholic. I love to text. For serious on this one. If I have your number in my phone I have probs texted you once or twice. It was brought to my attention recently just how much I like to text, in fact. And you know what? I'm embarrassed. Text messaging has become a habit of convenience for me. I will text to say hello, make a funny, send a picture, or pass the time. Friends, family, crushes, and more. They all get a little Madde love in their phone in box.


      In fact, I've recently coined the term "flirtexting". "Sexting" is tacky, but "flirtexting" is adorable. You see, 'flirtexting' is texting witty and adorable things to a person you are interested in. It gives you the convenience of being flirtatious from your very own home! Unfortunately for me...I'm a babbler. Yes, I babble like a brook. I like to be witty. Have the last word. This brings me to...a true story..comin' at ya! Let me share a recent text conversation with a dear friend I'll call "Truth-Speaker"...


(imagine a witty text conversation..and then THIS..)

Me:

 Ugh. Balls

Truth-speaker: 

ok, texty. one more text and you win the GUINESS RECORD!!

Me: 

:(

Truth-Speaker: 

MADDE! YOU HAVE WON! CONGRATULATIONS!! YOUR PRIZE IS...(I'm not at liberty to share with you what the prize was..it's gross..haha)

Me: 

You are dead to me.

Truth-Speaker: 

Harsh.

THE END.

     You guys, this was a wake up call. For serious. The text message has replaced the phone call and face-to-face conversation, leaving in it's place a opportunity to embarrass yourself like WOAH!


      "How does the text message play a role in a budding relationship?" asks the grasshopper. Well, I'm glad you asked. My extensive, scientific research proves that the text message is detrimental to a budding flower of love. Why? Well because of many things. A text message isn't like a conversation. A text message can be looked at over and over again. Examined, re-read, studied, pondered, and blown out of proportion. You say one stupid-ass thing and BOOM! done. The relationship is donezo. Also, one can OVER text someone they hold in high-esteem (cough--me--cough) just because they have potential adult ADD and want to share every thought they have. Also two very scary things exist...they are called boredom and/or alcohol. Woops.


     Take for instance the website textsfromlastnight.com. That is a clear example of why text messaging shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. Examples include: "that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before..." or "He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere." or "when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave." Texting has become a time to share our most ridiculous thoughts WHENEVER we feel the need to share them, and to a potential suitor..this can be frightening. You don't want to show them your crazy cards so quick! :)


    So, how am I going to fix this bad habit I've developed? I'm bringin' the phone call back, people! Weee! I like vintage clothes, why not bring back vintage behaviors? I learned how to text message on Christmas morning when I was in 7th grade. The text has been with me for a very long time. I'm not going to say goodbye to it, but if I have something to say..you're going to get a phone call from me! Why? Because I am going to think through what I have to say if I do that. Any other thoughts will be tweeted or kept to myself. It might be better that way. All my "flirtexting" will be replaced with real flirting, but I warn you..that's awkward too. Take what you can get with me. 


So, a big THANK YOU to the Truth-Speaker and their truths that they embarrassed me with. :) I'm going to go make a phone call! Oooooooo!

The boys are looking to pollinate this spring..guard your flowers.

Well, Spring is in the air, folks! Let's play some spring WordBall, shall we?


*Spring, flowers, allergies, dander, dandruff, hair care, Jessica Simpson hair extensions, QVC, Suzanne Sommers work out tapes, Step By Step, roller coasters, pee in your pants, diapers, adult diapers, down there hair care, Brazil, salsa dancing, corn chips, Chip the monkey, monkey bars, cocktails, dates, LOVE.

That's right, folks!..when spring comes, LOVE is pumped into the air. Just like the pollen of spring, the love infiltrates itself into our blood streams and takes over every function of our being. And it is probably a little known fact, but my extensive research has shown that the love takes hold of DUDES the most! Whaaaaaat? Yes. Take your jaw off the floor and listen up.

My male friends have gone LOCO for the ladies in the last week! It is inspiring, to say the least. From proclaiming that a certain song makes them want to "run around in a spring field and fall in love!"..to late night happy hours in which they discuss in detail how to snag their spring lady that will cheer them on at the softball field come summer.

Have these dudes thawed out their cold, cold hearts of winter? It seems so.

They are ready for love. 

I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but with so many dudes around the Twin Cities ready for love, ladies have got to proceed with caution. You could end up in a summer relationship with a fellow who just wants you to hold his softballs for him all summer. Catch my drift? Gentlemen have emerged from their caves of winter and are on the prowl for their lady bait. BEWARE! He might be great, but he also might just want you to help him hook up his hose for watering his summer plants. Get what I'm sayin'? 

And how will this spring love trend affect me in the coming months? I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to keep a claritan and can of bug spray with me at all times...just in cases. 

Excuse me while I go run in a spring field and fall in love. (Puke.)

An open letter to...CHILDREN CRYING LIKE BABIES ON THE INTERNET!

Little boy cries because he's not a single lady..

Have you seen this video? Save yourself the time and let me explain. Basically it goes like this:


Kids dancing in the car. "Single Ladies" comes on. Little boy in car seat starts rockin' it out. Father of little boy says.."Son, you're not a single lady".....TEARS! Boy loses his *bleep*. Watcher of video starts to laugh. The end.

There has been a growing obsession on the internet with videos of crying children. What with Charlie bit my finger, kid coming home from the dentist, and now, little boy crying over Beyonce.

Gentlemen, I'm concerned about your future...

Which brings me to my open letter of the day to...... CHILDREN CRYING LIKE BABIES ON THE INTERNET!

Dear Children Crying Like Babies on the Internets,


      You guys, chill out. No seriously...chill out. I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but I can assure you...it is not..and I'm sorry to say..you may regret this decision.


     My concern lies in this small fact. Boys, you are aware that your parents are filming you right now, yes? Your youth may stand in the way of your logic, but you should know that film lasts forevsies. Not only does that film last forever, but your parents are ensuring it goes everywhere by posting it on the internet. Do you see why this is a problem?


     You see, someday you will be a grown man and this tape will always be there. For instance, little boy crying because you are not a Single Lady, someday you will have a girlfriend. Things will be going well, you’ll be in love and bring her home to your family. You know what your family will do? Show her that video of you crying like a maniac…do you know where she will go? Home. She will also change her telephone number. Bye, bye, baby.


    Don’t think I forgot about you, Charlie bit my finger brother! When you apply for your first job in 15 years, that video is going to be a reference, and unlike your “job working for the FBI”, this one is real. Even if you get the job, everyone will want you to put their fingers in your mouth. It’s going to be awkward. I hope you are prepared for that.


     You guys, stop being babies and put a cork in the waterworks. You’ll thank me for this someday. Je promise.



Love,


Me