The "Cut Off" goes Awry.

I think we've all been there. A romance has gone awry and you must never speak to the other person again. Perhaps it was too painful, too miserable, too awkward. Whatever the reason, you'd like to pretend like they never existed.

In this age of uber-technology, we are at the beck and call of every person at all times. If they can't reach us by snail mail or yelling our name out a window, in hopes that we come scurrying... they can try our cellphone, text message, facebook wall post, facebook message, facebook poke, BBMing us, G-chatting, Skyping, Tweeting at us, twatting at us, tooting at us. Somehow they will find a way to reach us.

So when it's time to cut all ties from a person, there's going to be a lot of work. It's exhausting. I haven't had to do the "CUT OFF" to many people in my life, but there are a select few who had become so toxic in my life, it was really best for us both to not communicate anymore.

So what do you do when it's time for the "Cut Off", well I start with Facebook. Defriending someone is harsh, but it keeps establishes some boundaries reaaaaal quick. When do you do the "Cut Off," it's important not to do it with malice, rather, it's important to do it with a pure heart. If you truly know that having the other person so prominently in your technological life is toxic/destructive to you, it's probably best to just go back to square one with them.

Here's the problem with the "Cut Off". When you cut a person out of your life because they have been so awful to you, you sometimes forget they exist. That's where you run into the problem I had recently.

While out on the town with a bestie of mine, we walked into a restaurant and there "he" was. "He" had taken me on a wild goose chase of teenage-like love months before, and ensured he stomped all over my heart as he made his swift exit from my life. (That sounded so dramatic...I'm aware. I just love an extended metaphor..It really wasn't so bad. Let's continue with the metaphor for drama's sake though..) After he stomped off into the night months before with my naive heart clutched in his devilish paws, I ensured he was "Cut Off". (See? Didn't that metaphor feel good?)

But there he was. Sitting at a table with a friend. He noticed me first, I couldn't help it. He invited us to come take a seat. Here's the thing about the "Cut Off," not only do you forget they exist, but you also leave yourself vulnerable when a possible run-in occurs. We sat down. I had forgotten how adorable he was....until he opened his mouth. And I remembered how obnoxious he IS.

That evening taught me something important. I'm not exactly sure what it taught me...perhaps my affinity for vodka soda's with lime (this was after I left the table in a huff..remembering WHY things had not gone well with us months before..), or perhaps the "Cut Off" was done for a reason. We were toxic in each other's lives. Simple as that.

It happens. Romances go awry all the time. Now let's gallop into the sunset with our IPhones and update our statuses telling the world how we are better off without him...

An Open Letter to...SEXTERS! AH!

Lock your phones and protect those all those with a weak stomach! 

We are all at risk! 

Are you a victim of...SEXTING??

Dear SEXTERS,

You know who you are. All of you. Please leave my innocent friends and I alone. Whitney Houston said it best when she proclaimed, "Crack is whack". Well I'm here to proclaim the same sentiment..."Sexting is WHACK!"

UrbanDictionary.com defines "sexting" as such: "The act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit". 

Tell me something, Sexter, what was it about ME that fits that definition? Because I'm pretty sure your "highly suggestive and even sexually explicit" words in that sext, make me want to vomit and laugh at the same time. Sexting me would assume that we are engaged in a relationship of some sort, when in reality we've only hung out a few times. Let's turn the tables for a moment, shall we? If I were to sext someone I had only hung out a few times with, I would wonder if perhaps they thought I was being a bit forward? Did this go through your mind? Or were you too busy trying to take a cellphone picture in your bathroom mirror. This "turned table situation" wouldn't happen though. Do you know why that is, Sexter? BECAUSE SEXTING IS WHACK! I know it. You know it. The American people know it.

One of you Sexters sent my best friend a picture that was neither casual, nor suggestive. In fact this picture was just plain GRAPHIC. A picture of your man bits saying "Look who wants to say hi!" is....how should I say this....umm...WHACK!

I think I can speak for most recipients of a Sext when I say, we appreciate your efforts, but if you wouldn't say that to my face, don't you DARE send it to my IPhone! Many a gentleman caller has accused me of not being a very good recipient of romance, but I can tell you that what you Sexters are sending to our phones is not romance...it's just WHACK!

And some advice, if the recipient of your sext responds with a "haha" or "awky turtle!" or even "wtf?".....you've misjudged the situation. Try again.

xo,

Me

Butt Sniffing, The Situation, and "The Incident": A Cautionary Tale

I think our canine friends have it all figured out.

When dogs first meet they sniff each other's butts. Butt sniffing just gets it all out of the way right up top. Smelly butt? Smelly future with new dog friend. It's as easy as that. 

Human butt sniffing practices have gone out of style recently. Since it is taboo to sniff the anal region of a new friend when we meet them, we are left only with our first impressions. 

Let's take a moment and talk about first impressions, shall we? Let me tell you a story, kiddies. Snuggle in with your goldfish crackers and get ready for a tale.

The other night I met a strapping young gentleman. For the purposes of this story, let's call him...."The Incident" (like The Situation...but a six pack of beer, not of abs). "The Incident" had the charm. "The Incident" had the smarts. "The Incident" had the cutes. Immersed in our first conversation, I couldn't help but think how lovely this new friend was. He got a lot of points right up top from me. Sense of humor? Check! Similar interests and passions? Check! Not the last few nerd nightmares I've had to spend my time with recently? Check!

Now let's travel ahead in time, shall we? 2 hours later. The party is bumpin'. I'm feelin' fine like red wine. "The Incident" has clearly thrown a few too many back in the whole black hole of his mouth region. Time to go home. While riding shotgun in my beloved Jetta as I gave him a pity ride home, "The Incident" declares that he'd like to take me out for a drink sometime. I oblige politely and tell him when he's sober we can chat about that possibility. "The Incident" tells me I'm pretty. I smile demurely like a lady should. Then....."The Incident" PUKES. ALL. OVER. THE. JETTA. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a SITUATION AND an INCIDENT up in here.

For all you gentlemen looking to pick up a lady-friend out there...some advice: 

PUKING IN A GIRL'S CAR IS NOT CUTE. 

Forgive the expression, but this puking incident put a bad taste in my mouth. All of "The Incident's" positive traits I had gathered from the evening went flying out the window with his vomit (the amount that actually made it to the window, at least). This was an example of a BAD first impression. 

Nowhere in my future friendship with "The Incident" will I ever be able to forget that on the first night I met him, he called me pretty and vomited all over my beloved Jetta. Apparently my beauty made him ILL?!? We don't bounce back from this. 

I wish I had known a few hours earlier that this incident was a possibility, but HOW?? Society says the butt-sniffing practices of our canine companions may not have pin-pointed "The Incident" and my future problems, but it may have...we'll never know because society tells us to keep our noses to ourselves. It's too bad. I'm going against the societal norms. Beware of your butts, I may have to sniff out our problems. I'm apologizing in advance. 

An Open Letter to....the BABY THAT CRAWLED ONTO THE HIGHWAY!

Headline from the newspaper: 

"Baby found crawling on State Highway"

Dear Baby That Crawled Onto the Highway, 

Did someone get out of his crib? I commend you for abilities to escape bedtime, Mr. Man...Baby, but please note that I'm pretty certain you shouldn't crawl onto the highway, lil' guy. 

I know, I know. I know I sound like an old fuddy duddy, but I really have your best interests in mind! You'll thank me when you're older. There are a few reasons you should avoid the highway. First, when cars come whizzing past you, you will surely make a poopy in your diaper. You get grumpy when that happens. 

Second,  you haven't mastered crawling yet, so you will surely invest a lot of time crawling onto the highway...someone will miss nap time! You get get grumpy when that happens. 

And finally, you're a baby. Babies shouldn't crawl onto the highway. Getting hit by a car will surely give you a reason to get grumpy, Baby. 

Ok, well next time make sure to look both ways!

xo, 

Me

That's a dealbreaker, ladies!!

There are some sure signs that a fellow is bad news bears. There are the obvious ones that we all know (ie: if he bites you at any point while knowing you...he should probs go away, etc...), but what about those little details we let slip by?? Well, I like to call those "Madde's Red Flags!". These "unique" details about a person that we turn a blind eye to because they may be cute, or funny, or breathing... but too many of those "Madde's Red Flags!" can be disaterous. I have taken the time to compile a list for you, dear readers, of some ABSOLUTELY TRUE "Madde's Red Flags!" from my life. Join me, won't you? I'm embarrassed for myself.

1.  If on the first day of knowing you he says: "HEY! It's YOU! I know YOU! I've done my research on you...your facebook page is super fun! That pink dress you wore is super cute" 

2. If he doesn't speak English, but you do. 

3. If he attempts to make out with you while you are watching Liza Minnelli on the T.V. Liza is sacred, keep your tongue to yourself. 

4. This is not a pick of line. I repeat, this is NOT a pick up line: "Do you want to go to my room and watch 'Teen Wolf' on VHS?"

5. If while walking down the street hand and hand: "So, I think I'm in love...her name is ______" If that blank spot does not contain your name, you should probs go home. 

6. If at anytime on a date the words "Close your eyes and open your mouth, it's a Jelly Belly tasting party!" are uttered. RUN! 

7.  If during dinner he has to go outside and check to see if someone has stolen his car, he's probs not the most balanced individual. 

8. The Darth Vader suit in his house is better dressed than he is. 

9. If you go over to his house for dinner and his cat violently attacks your leg, chances are the two of you (you + the kitten) are NOT going to be able to live harmoniously together. Do the cat a favor, and get gone! 

10. If he can tell me where he was when Kennedy was shot, he is probably too old for me. 

11. If he has a thing for Miley Cyrus, but can't name all of the Spice Girls, he is probably a child and shouldn't be asking you out on dates. 

....and finally...

12. If he has named his bong "Charlene", there is no hope. 

So there you have it! Some red flags...just in case you are ever wondering if he's loco or not.