An open letter to the....MOTHER THAT IS SCREAMING AT HER SON IN TARGET

Target has become a place of so much inspiration for me. It doesn't matter what aisle I'm in. In the make-up aisle you will find crazy girls screaming on their cellphones. In shoes? Well that is a place of argument always. But my favorite is in the toy area..... That brings me to my open letter of the day to....the mother I saw screaming at her son in target.

Dear MOTHER THAT IS SCREAMING AT YOUR SON IN TARGET,

He is on the floor screaming and yelling because 3 years ago you named him MARVIN!! That was your choice, not his. Deal with the choice you made.


Love,

Me

These boots were made for walking over to you and telling you that your shoes are fuggles.

This is my hallway. These are my shoes. These are just a few of my shoes TAKING OVER my hallway. I enjoy footwear. There. I said it. 

Some goon once said that the clothes make the man..well, I believe this to be true, but I really think the shoes make the man. Call me shallow, call me a snob, but I have been known to dump a man to the curb for appalling footwear. Why? you ask...Well, I'm glad you are here for my explanation. 

Can someone please explain to me when black tennis shoes became popular? I just don't get them. Perhaps they aren't my aesthetic, but I think they are just fugly. I knew a dude who wore a chunky black tennis shoe with steel toes. Really? Steel-toed tennies? Are you going into battle with the other nerds that own those shoes?

While we're on the topic of tennis shoes, I'd like to address all dudes wearing ORTHOPEDIC TENNIES IN THEIR 20s! If you wear them for lower back purposes...fine. You get a free pass on this one. BUT! If you wear them for fashion purposes or even putting them on your feet purposes...seek a trash can full of fire and place them in it immediately! I'm helping you out on this one.

Let's talk about sandals, for a moment. I get it. If you want to wear sandals..that is your choice. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER include a sock in a sandal. I will vomit all over you. Also, if your sandal resembles anything close to what Rosie O'Donnell would wear out on her boat in Miami, reconsider. You know what those are. You do. It just requires some thinking in the mind-grapes. 

So what is the right shoe? That's a personal choice.

For gents in a financial pickle, a vintage converse sneaker always does the trick in my heart. High tops? Even better. Take those sneakers and run to second base with me...I mean..what? I didn't mean that. I meant for people that play baseball or something in them...umm..I digress.

Attractive male footwear is a challenge to find. Having shopped for the perfect shoe with many friends of the male gender, I know this first hand. You don't want to spend the time indulging in the proper footwear, but I assure you..your feet don't go unnoticed. Also, now that we're talking about shoes..let's take a moment and talk about socks. Your formerly white socks should not be anywhere near the yellow family...they shouldn't. This goes for the chicks too! Please, take some time with a bleach bottle and get those foot covers white, or find that flaming trash can and get rid of them!

I remember being in middle school and making my infamous lists of "Madde Wants a Boyfriend: Who's Better?". An important and weighty category came with shoe choice. "Steel-toed black tennies dude" fell to the bottom of the list every time because I couldn't deal with the fear of being kicked by accident by him. That's dangerous. His shoes were DANGEROUS!

The last few weeks I have seen some adorable footwear on the dudes. Keep up the good work. And to those who aren't living up to your personal best...let's go shopping. I'm oodles of fun and I will make you uncomfortable at least two times. 

An open letter to the....MYSELF: A GIRL WHO LEAVES BANANAS IN HER CAR

Dear MYSELF: A GIRL WHO LEAVES BANANAS IN HER CAR,

Self, why would you leave a banana in the back seat of the Jetta? That's not a proper place for a banana! Banana's belong in banana hammocks, not Jettas! I know you were intending on eating it later if you needed a snack, but really....the back seat of the Jetta is probs not the wisest place.

 Self, I don't want to be too hard on you, but logic really isn't your strong suit, is it? You see, you live in a state that has all four seasons. This season is spring..do you know what happens in spring, self? Spring is a time in which the sun shines a lot. You know how they tell you to not keep babies in your car? Do you know why that is? Because it gets hot and the babies skin will bruise like bananas, and then the babies will become mushy..and then you can't eat them love them.

So, self...practice logic. That's all I'm going to say. I love you. I love your need for potassium.

Love,

Me

When did my friends get so slutty? (Apologies to my friends..)

Mmmk. I have a bone to pick with the world. Forgive me if you are about to get offended...but... Why does everyone think they wrote the rule book on what a good date is? Everyone seems to have an opinion, including myself (i know..i know..i'm on month 4 of writing a blog about dating..so i am full of it). Anywhos, everyone seems to have an opinion on what constitutes a good date.

Let's say for instance you come home after a great evening with a fellow you enjoy. Perhaps you've only known each other for a short amount of time, he's asked you out to get to know you. It was a fun. You come home feeling great about the evening! You had drinks, you talked for hours, you laughed, and you plan to see each other again. It was a great first date....in MY book...but what the eff do I know? Right away you tell your friends, to which they respond..."Well, did he kiss you?"...Ummm..no..he didn't. Does this suddenly make this great first date null and void? Well that's not fair!

The question arises..when did my friends get so slutty? Are my friends out in the world sticking their tongues down the throats of innocent unsuspecting people? I certainly hope not! I'm no mathematician, but... if one and one make two, then my friends and their first dates equal slutty behavior! (GASP!) If you are out on a first date with a person you barely know, are you really going to put your face on theirs? I'm not! No matter how attracted to them I am...I thought that was just standard practice, but methinks I'm in the minority (gasp! #2).  If a hot n' heavy make-out session is required on the first date by my peers, than by their standards I have gone on a string of very unsuccessful dates for....(hold on..let me add it up...calculating...carrying the 4..dividing the 2..one sec..)..oh yes, my whole life!

I've never been "Cathy, the casual kisser". I've always been "Madde, please keep your tongue to yourself if we don't know each other very well." It's been working out for me for about 22 years, so I'm not sure on why my friends are so concerned with my habits now. I come home from great first dates, feeling confident, happy, and euphoric about new possibilities and then BAM! I'm suddenly tossed back to feeling like I'm in 8th grade and it's spin the bottle time and "Woops! I suddenly have to go to the bathroom when the bottle lands on me..what a coincidence! So weird that happened..ha..isn't that funny, you guys! I'll be right back! Umm...ya...no interest in kissing you and your acne mouth..so umm..I'll be in the bathroom for a little while...so you guys finish that game...and call me when the pizza comes...Awesome." Remember that time? Or was that just me. Ha..It might have just been me. Woops.

Why can't we feel happy about PG dates? When did a hand holding sesh become obsolete? I see it like this, everyone wants to see the date movie in 3D, but I always liked it in the regular theater! There's more leg room, it's not as cramped, it doesn't require me to wear funny glasses that a lot of other people have worn...if you get my drift...(which you probs don't because that was the strangest metaphor known to man). You have your whole life to put your face on someone elses, what about a little cat n' mouse, huh? When did that game go by the wayside? If you give up the goods right away, then why bother with the courtship? If you allow me to go back to movie theater metaphors for a moment...people buy the extra large popcorn because they get free refills..but have you ever noticed you NEVER go back for that refill? You know why? Because you are so full and sick by the end of the movie, you can't eat anymore. If you get slutty on the first date, you are the extra large popcorn..you sound like a great idea, but your artificial flavoring and glutenous size will make you an undesirable candidate for a refill.

Once upon a time I went out on a few dates with a guy I liked: A Play in 5 Dates/Acts

(Your friends are not on your dates...why do they know so much about them? Because you blab your face off about them.)

A good date is something you want to shout from the mountain tops. For those of us who live in cities, our mountaintops translate into a cell phone. Yes, we shout our good news from our cellphones in 2010. We call our friends ASAP. Why?  Our friends know every detail about our dating lives. They know when we're going on the date, with whom, and what we are doing. They are practically dating this person too. I had a thought the other day, do my friends and I talk too much about our dating lives? Hmmm...curious thought. Let us take a journey through this, shall we?

The great thing about telling your friends every detail of your dating life is the fact that you get a sounding board..FOR FREE! Weee! Your friends HAVE to listen to the fact that he took you out to a picnic at 2 in the afternoon and packed a gluten-free meal for you both to enjoy, then rode on a row boat in a pond, and finished the day off with a trip to the zoo to see the monkeys (this sounds like a magical date..a girl can dream...le sigh). A friend is required to listen to this and analyze accordingly. It's simply in the friend code of conduct. Personally, I love analyzing the dates of others! It lets you in on this crazy world of people's idiosyncrasies.

You might be saying to yourself..."Well Madde! This looks great! Why would it be a problem to chit chat with your peeps about your dates every once and awhile!". I'm glad you asked. The problem is this: your friend isn't on the date with you. Were you aware of this? When you are strolling the zoo with your crush, your friend Judy isn't standing next to you taking notes. When you get home from the zoo and pick up your cellphone (many times one does not even wait to get home..hello! that's why they invented cell phones and speaker phone!), you have to tell Judy every detail about the date. When you relay the details of the date...things get sticky.

Most of the time you will dwell on some weird negative things like.."Well, when we were in the aquatics center and I told him I really liked the seals....well, you see...he didn't respond, Judy. Can you believe that? You know how important seal life is to me. How could he not say anything? Do you think he didn't hear me? I mean he had to have heard me. He was standing right next to me. I mean, the walrus was playing his trumpet next door! But he was standing so close to me! I made it very clear that I loved the seals! Ugh. Judy. We are doomed." Judy is left with the details that he doesn't like the seals. So what does she say? "Dump his ass" Sadly, Judy is coming from a place of ignorance, as she was not on the date, she does not know that said gentlemen also held my hand all day and told me how luminous I am. Judy. Bad call, girlfriend. Thanks for ruining that relationship with your crazy advice.

Our friends can also give crazy advice when hearing the positive too. After telling Judy that he had given you a lick of his ice cream cone after you saw the tropical bird show at the zoo, Judy tells you that he's clearly in love with you, and tonight when you go to see "Hot Tub Time Machine" with him... he's probs going to kiss you... You know what? Judy isn't going to be on this date, so Judy won't have to deal with the fact that when you get to "Hot Tub Time Machine", your date has invited his younger brother who is really into Pokemon...still...in 2010. He still likes Pokemon. Judy's attempts at making you "live a little" have backfired because you are now at a movie with your crush and his nerdtastic younger brother, you will not be kissing him the way Judy has brainwashed you to think you would be doing.. and you are grumpy for the whole evening. We have all been there.

The thing is this: you know if our crush likes you because you can feel it. It's not a feeling you can explain to your friends over the phone. It's between you and them, and adding other people into the mix can make things messy. Your friends, whether they have good intentions or not, may screw with your mind a bit. It's a good thing to have a sounding board, to tell your closest pals about your newest crush who gives you butterflies in your tum-tum, but to create the saga of "Once upon a time I went out with a guy I liked..A play in 5 dates/Acts.." for your friends....gets old real quick, and makes your dating life into a soap opera for someone else to enjoy.

So, go out on your own dates dates. Use your own mind. Your own judgement. Feel your own feelings. Make your own choices. And please..for the love of Jesus/Buddha/Etc..etc..Don't let that stupid Judy come on the date with you. She clearly has no judgement whatsoever.

An open letter to the....TEENS GOING TO PROM!

BEWARE:

Prom season has begun!

No adult restaurant is safe. All gazebos in the Twin Cities parks are at risk. Yes, the High Schoolers are out for one night only! PROM WEEKENDS HAVE TAKEN OVER SPRING!

As I sat in the bar of the Lexington tonight they creeped in...And by creeped in, I mean they were so effing loud and obnoxious I couldn't keep my merlot down. Cheap satin, concerning glitter placement, and boobs for days. Yes, Prom season has come upon us and we must come prepared. So, my open letter to TEENS GOING TO PROM.

Dear TEENS GOING TO PROM,

1. Why are your boobs hanging out? You're 17. Put them away. This isn't Hooters, this is the Lex.

2. Your date looks like a sleezeball in that silver tux.

3. When you enter a restaurant, others are residing there. Shut your face, we're not at Disneyland. If we were at Disneyland this Cosmopolitan that I'm enjoying would be called a Mickeypolitan, and my glass would be in the shape of mouse ears.

4. You are drunk. You got drunk somewhere in between the time you took those awkward posed pictures in Como Park and when your parents dropped you off at the door of this restaraunt and disrupted my evening. Here's some advice: Later in the evening you will be dancing to some lame Justin Beiber song..and you will be shakin' your thang so much that you will puke on your date. I suggest you don't do that. Drink some water and dump the tequila down the drain. It's not worth it. 

5. Please, for the love of GOD!!! DO.NOT.GET.IN.A.CAR.AFTER.YOU.HAVE.BEEN.DRINKING. I know I sound like an old fart, but don't do it. Just don't. 

6. Have fun and resist the urge to sleep with the dude in the silver tux. We can't have you as a new cast member on "16 and Pregnant".

xo,

Me

That date story of yours makes me want to VOMIT!

      A friend of mine went on an amazing date last night. He came to her door with flowers hidden behind his back. He whisked her away to a fancy restaurant, wined and dined her, and even ordered in french. This evening sounds perfect, no? She told me all about it this morning. My response: "That would have made me vomit, but I'm glad you had fun."

      Would it have really made me vomit? Here's the thing... I think we tell ourselves that extravagant signs of affection are ridiculous, when in actuality we're all just jealous it's not happening to us.

       Dearest Reader...I've just purchased a one-way ticket to Honestville, USA..CHOO CHOO! Come on the journey with me will you? I'll meet you in the Club Car..at which time I'll tell you some honest things.

(Later..in the Club Car..You and I meet for a discussion)

Oh, hey! Can I order you a cocktail? Wonderful. Say, sit down..I've got some honest things to tell you.

[My apologies to the reader, I just was transported into an old 1930's film on a train for a moment. In said fantasy, I was wearing a large purple hat with feathers..obviously.]

I digress.

      Do you remember Prom? Yes, Prom. Go back in your mind-grapes and remember it. No one ever asked me to a dance in any way that included the following things: spray paint, balloons, cupcakes, doves, hiding in boxes, celebrities, doctors, or silly string. At the time it made me a little bummed. I remember one boy asking me to a dance as he sat in the front seat of a car and I sat in the back seat (wearing leopard print pants, combing my huge-ass hair). "Hey, the dance is on Saturday. I don't have have anyone to go with. Will you come or something?" he said, as he munched his McDonalds french fries..."Umm..sure?" slightly offended younger Madde said. I distinctly remember ditching him the night of the dance to go drink some sour apple schnapps and pink lemonade with my peeps in my friend's garage. Woo. The man didn't know what he was missing, clearly. 

     I think high school dances may have screwed us up as an adults. There's always a little part of us that thinks we don't deserve someone to dote upon us. My friend's date came to her door with flowers. These days, I'm happy if a date notices I brushed my hair for them. I rarely had the doting gentlemen arriving to my house with flowers in high school, so now as an adult, I think it's obsolete. The truth is this: we ALL deserve someone to dote upon us. We tell ourselves it's dumb, we say "why bother?", but at the end of the day..vomit wouldn't come out of your mouth if someone did it for you. I hope. 

    Extravagant dates are fine, but too much frosting gives your stomach the rot. The cake? Finding someone to laugh with, to joke with, to have drinks with. Someone could take me on a private plane to Italy and have the PopeMobile at the airport waiting to take us to a vineyard full of magical fairies who would sing us songs of the region, but I still get the butterflies in my tummy when someone I like gives me a wink. :)

An open letter to the....WOODPECKER OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOW!

Dear WOODPECKER OUTSIDE MY WINDOW,

       Oh, hey. It's you...again. I haven't seen you since last summer. Looks like you just moved back into town. That's fun. How was your winter? Oh, you were in Texas, eh? That's cool. It's hot down there. You have family in El Paso, eh? That's cool. Hmmm...soo...uhh...well...

OK. I'm done. Enough with the pleasantries. I can't do this anymore.

       There you sit on your tree of hate. You taunt me with each peck. Don't you understand? It boggles my mind that you chose the tree right outside of my window....AGAIN! There are a lot of trees in St. Paul and you just happened to pick that one again..how strange.  I'll tell you the truth, Woodpecker. I'm on to you...I think you were sent to hurt my feelings. Listen, Woodpecker..I never did anything to you or your family, so why don't you get out of town. You know I'm a hard worker. I deserve my sleep just as much as the next gal, don't I? Jeeze.
      
      It's not enough for you to peck in the morning when I'm in bed, but then you take it upon yourself to have an afternoon peck when I just happen to take me mid-day lay down on the family hammock in the backyard. Isn't that a coincidence?!?! NO. It's not. You know why? Because you are following me. I know you are. I see you there. You peck and you peck and you peck, and then you stare and you stare and you stare.

    I don't want you to think I hate you. I don't hate you. I resent you. I'm a lover of animals...I just don't like your attitude. Please fly to the suburbs where you can annoy the people that deserve it.

Thanks.

Me

Patience is a virtue....a hard one.

You know those dweebs who say "Patience is a virtue"..do you know what I say to them? You try it! It's not so easy! Blurgh.

Patience. It's an interesting concept, no?  In today's world we lack the ability to be patient. Everything is at our fingertips at all times. So why can't relationships with human beings be the same thing? The ability to tolerate getting to know someone is an unheard of concept to some. We thrive for these insta-friendships, immediate informality that will make us feel like we've been friends forever. Why bother with the getting to know bs, when we can just behave that way immediately?

Take my hero, Chelsea Handler, for instance. Lady has people on her show and says such horribly offensive things to them like they've known each other for years. The truth of the matter is they probs met 10 minutes ago in her dressing room. Celebrities are a really great example of people we all want to be insta-friends with. In every situation in which I've encountered a celebrity of some sort, the question always arises with everyone around me.."What can I say that is different? How can Perez Hilton and I be besties right away?" The truth: We all do this AND  Perez Hilton does not want to be besties with you..at all..ever. Promise.

(This rule does not apply to me because Perez and I actually are besties now..just sayin')

     We all have this need to get to know people right away. I knew a guy who wanted to get to know me so badly that we hung out almost every day for 2 weeks. We had just met, but there was this need to get the formality of new friendship out of the way, in order to jump to that place of comfort. Things get messy when you enter this dangerous world of insta-friendship. How so? Well, I'm glad you asked...you both know you're over doing it on the friendship train, but you don't want to alienate the other person..so you just hang out every day for 2 weeks and see how that works out for you. Shallow friendships are created that way, not real ones. 

     And how does this insta-friendship react to the chemicals of the dating world? It's like that experiment with the Mentos and Diet Coke. It's going to blow up in your face and get you all sticky. We're so gosh-darned focused on getting the awkward first dates out of the way, that we forget to get to know each other first. I'm super guilty of this. I meet someone, I dig them, I think they are fun, why don't we hang out again this week? You know why we don't hang out again this week? Because maybe we need some time away from each other! Patience! Why can't it just be nice n' easy?

    So, I beg of you and I beg of me...practice patience. If you do, you won't be on your grumpy horse so much when things don't work out for you RIGHT AWAY. It's more fun to be chased than to tap your toes and be annoyed. :)

You can't make an African Wild Ass out of a Donkey..but you can behave like a lady.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN-LEMUR??

This is Harry, a Hairy-Eared Dwarf Lemur. Why has he made an appearance in today's blog? Well you see, he's endangered. Endangered species are among us. They need our help.

Meet Roy, the African Wild Ass. He's endangered he needs your help too.

I bet you didn't even know there is an endangered species that lives right next door to you. Yes readers, THE MODERN GENTLEMAN is endangered and needs your help. 

                                                   

              THIS MAN=GENTLEMAN

       You see this man? Franky. He was a class act. A gentleman that made ladies feel like a million bucks. The modern gentlemen of the millennium are hard to find, but when you encounter them....boy do they make you feel like a million bucks!

       So, how can we spot a gentleman as opposed to a a douche-bag dude? Well it's not as simple as spotting an endangered Hairy-Eared Dwarf Lemur vs. a regular non-endangered normal Lemur. No, not so simple at all.

                                      

WARNING: 

THESE ARE NOT GENTLEMEN!! 

       A modern gentleman of the millennium is suave..no, not Jersey Shore hair-gel suave, they posses a classy nature that makes the ladies go weak in the knees. They treat you like such a lady throughout the evening that you can't even remember what another normal dude was like. These gents don't fart in front of you on the first date, or insist that you share in a giggle over a burp because of their excessive drinking of beer. My extensive scientific research has proven that a gentleman makes a girl feel like a woman. What??? Let me explain.

         When I was in high school the boys at the all-boys school next door held a dance every year called the Military Ball. Said dance was a supposed to be a night of high-class and good behavior. I will never forget these boys spending the entire evening opening doors for us and saying, "I'm opening this door because my teacher told me I had to..soo..." WOW! Thank you. That makes me feel so good. It's good to know that had your teacher not mentioned that you use your wimpy little arms to hold the door open for me, I might be left with a concussion to my head and a ripped gown. Thank you. 

      It felt so contrived. They weren't doing it because they wanted to treat me with respect, they were doing it because they were told they had to. Gentlemen treat me like a lady because they respect me, not because they are going to get an A if they do. 

     The modern gentlemen of the millennium have an extra challenge. Women these days aren't used to being treated like ladies. We strive to just "be one of the boys" and not let you in on the secret that we have lady-bits and we aren't like you! The modern gent has to fight with us to put down our wallets and not pay for our drinks ourselves. They feel like they have to explain themselves when they open the door for us. They can't dote upon us on the first date for fear that we're going to think they are: a-weird, b-trying to rape us, c-patronizing us. The charm of the simple date has gone by the wayside, and the modern gentlemen of the millennium are trying desperately to hold onto what is left. 

     So how does a modern, self-respecting woman seek out the modern gentlemen of the millennium? Simple. Behave like a lady and they will follow. If you run around town being easy as pie, the modern gents will retreat to their very clean and non-sleezy homes. They don't want an easy gal (most of the time). If you strut around town with the confidence of a modern woman who deserves respect (ensuring that you don't become a scary feminist man-hating machine)...the modern gentlemen of the millennium will rush to your side. 

     A lot of people give money to organizations to ensure that endangered animals mate and create new animals. Women could start an organization like that OR women could encourage the creation of gentleman by treating themselves with respect, and embracing their lady-like natures. You can't magically create an African Wild Ass out of a regular donkey, but you CAN create a gentleman out of a d-bag dude.

Doing my lunges for a crowd of 1.

I hate to be a complainer-pants here, but....I have a complaint. You see, I've been lied to my whole life. And if I'VE been lied to..you surely have been lied to as well. About what, you say? I'm glad you asked. We have all been lied to about...HOT PEOPLE AT THE GYM.

      Movies and TV would tell you that the gym is full of eligible young mates who are just waiting to date me, but this is simply not true, folks. Not true at all. Heck! I even know people in my life who have met their mates while workin' on their fitness. Not at my gym. Nope, not even an option. You see at my gym I would say the average age is...older. Yes, we'll just call them "older". Do you know that the lap pool is also used for water aerobics? Do me a favsies, will ya? Close your eyes and picture in your mind the people you think do water aerobics at 10 am. Are you picturing them...do they look like this?

Good job. You're right. They are the members at my gym. Funnoodles and all! Woo!

Now, now..I don't want you thinking I think I'm hot stuff! In fact, I'm fairly positive I'm not at my most attractive at the gym. Many times a week I can be seen doing stretches such as:

The Seal Stretch.

....or...

Happy Baby (my favorite! I feel so freeeeee!)

..or even..

Boat Pose

..I'm even responsible and wear a helmut on the bikes!

     I am perfectly aware that the probability of a smokin' young lad leaping off of his elliptical machine to come get the number of this hot item is slim to none, but what a bummer...they aren't even at my gym..so why bother! Where are all the hot men at my gym that society has promised me?? I'd at least like to have something nice to look at other than the angry man on the rowing machine who keeps staring at me while I laugh uncontrollably on the stairmaster!

     Alas, I am forced to work on my fitness with the elders. I guess that's ok, it keeps me focused. At least I'LL know how hot my Happy Baby is, and how lucky everyone else would be to see it.....if they were members at my gym. But I suppose there must be a "hot people gym" somewhere in the suburbs. 

Old People: "Hey, Madde! Come take a dip"

Me: "No, thanks!"

An open letter to...MEAN KIDS THAT WON'T LET ME USE THE SWINGS AT THE PARK!

Childhood was a magical time. A time of sunshine, rainbows, glitter parties, and hugs. There was always time to play, time to skip, time to spin in circles until we puked. I may be approaching my 22nd birthday in a few weeks, but I can tell you that my childhood spirit hasn't gone anywhere. This brings me to my open letter of the day to.....MEAN KIDS THAT WON'T LET ME USE THE SWINGS AT THE PARK!

Dear MEAN KIDS THAT WON'T LET ME USE THE SWINGS AT THE PARK, 

     Hi, kids. I'm just going to save you from my tears and tell you. You're hurting my feelings. We are both here at the park to play, and as you know, the swings are a hot item on the playground. Don't I deserve the same respect you show your tiny peers? You see, my friend and I have walked to this park with the hope of being able to take a swing or two. I'm not saying you have to give up the swing right now,  but there is an unspoken rule at the playground that you don't hog one item for the whole afternoon! 

     Also, don't think I don't see that judgment in your eye. I know, I'm bigger than you, I'm older than you, and I probs look like your babysitter, but I still like to use the swing! Ok...also, please tell your mother to quit it with the stink-eye too! It's getting old. Yes, judgy mcjudger-pants..I AM at the park. I DO like to use the swing. And I am ALSO a tax payer! I get to use this swing just as much as your stinky kid who doesn't know how to share does! Deal with it. 

     Kids that won't let me use the swing, I hope you learn from this because one day you will be 22 and want to go to the park and feel like you're flying and some nasty kid will hurt your feelings by not knowing how to share. I'm done. We're going to another park now. We don't need your hate. 

Love,

Me

P.D.A: Public Displays of Annoying

       So tonight I had to pee. Like really, really pee. Like WOAH! I gotta go. I was at First Avenue (seeing the International fashion superstar Raul in his Minneapolis debut..be jealous), and as I made my journey to the Ladies room, I was distracted by a couple that was SO into each other that they couldn't be bothered to remove themselves from the doorway, or remove their tongues from each other's throats. For you kids out there, we in the biz like to call this P.D.A.

P.D.A. 

Public Displays of Annoying

     Here's my thing about the P.D.A..I get it. You're into each other. Good for you. Love is great. Super. But....Why do I have to be involved in your business? The truth about it is this though...we all like to complain about the P.D.A and say "get a room" or "someone get me a scarf so I can watch this game of tonsil hockey!", but I think we're all jealous of it. If we were the ones having a make-out session in the middle of First Avenue we wouldn't stop and say..."This is inappropriate, sir/ma'am. We should stop this and behave like respectable professionals." No, you wouldn't say that. I promise! That wouldn't happen! Ever. You'd keep gettin' down with the get down and you would have no qualms about it whatsoever! Anyone who is not involved in said P.D.A is just jealous that they don't have a tongue down their throat. (gross. graphic. sorry. yikes....jealous?)

      P.D.A can cross the line of appropriate though. I stop getting jealous and start getting nauseous at some points. Let me tell you a tale. This is not a tale for the queasy or fragile folks. Beware. 

      So, in the dead of winter this year (it was probs like -10 degrees out..no jokesies on this one) I was walking downtown at about 11:30 at night on a Tuesday. How do I remember it was a Tuesday? Well, you see...I logged this in my memory because said acts should not happen on a Tuesday. Why? Because it's Tuesday. Get it together. As I walked with my pal on Lasalle (it rhymed...you're welcome) I noticed a couple gettin' all hot and heavy by a door to a business building. That was all fine and good until...the man pulled down his pants...and they started doin' the deed. Yes. Pick your jaw up off your computer desk and continue on this journey with me, folks. They were doin' the deed. On a street corner. In negative degree'd weather. On a Tuesday. My question is simple.....WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYY????? Think of what could happen! You could get arrested! Judged! Frost bite to the man-bits! Come on, people. Let's think this through!

       I'll say this, P.D.A is all fine and good until people start getting creative and (excuse the term) ballsy. That is crazy behavior! Why are you having sex on a street corner? That is a couple who was not satisfied with a simple kiss in a club on a Tuesday night. They had to go scar me for life on a street corner. Thank you. 

     Now when I see P.D.A I think..."Hmmm...I wish someone would kiss me right now...but if they try to take me out to a street corner in the middle of winter and get all up in my business..we're going to have a problem." At the end of the day, P.D.A is dangerous. Beware. Proceed with caution. And don't get too jealous because that shit can get really compromising in a matter of seconds. 

Looks like someone is taking a ride on her SASSY HORSE!

"oh, heeeeeeeeeey! It's me...Sassy Horse!"

        In an effort to be green I have using a new form of transportation to get around town! Yes, instead of taking my Jetta out for a spin, it seems that I've been riding around town on my sassy horse!! It now appears that like those bad kids that smoked ciggy's and drank mountain dew at night when I was a youth, my sassy horse has become a bad influence on me. Sassy Horse encourages me to say and do ridiculous things. These things are alienating my peeps left and right. 

       I learned to ride Sassy a few years ago when I developed the ability to speak, and thus, mouth off to adults and other peeps who seemed to be up in my grill. I continued to ride Sassy through the bumpy roads that were my education, and now we've galloped into my adulthood. Sassy isn't all bad, she can be fun to ride sometimes to parties or cocktails with friends, but Sassy has proven to be a problem when it comes to interactions with people of the male gender these days. 

       I don't know when to stop. (If you read my blog..you know this). Perhaps this is from my background as an actor or improviser, trying to always get that last word in! Tonight at my improv rehearsal something hit me. After blurting out a huge declaration of love to my scene partner, my coach declared..."just let it lie, Madde. Let it sink in for a second". Little did she know, she wasn't just helping me in improv, but in life. Oh, Jesus. Here we go.....

       I can't let things sit in the air. I over-explain, over indulge, over blah blah blah my way through a conversation. A friend of mine has recently started telling me to just get to my point instead of babbling my way through conversations. You see, girls can handle this, I think. Girls are talkers. It's in our blood. We love to chat, chat, chat. I mean for godsake..look at my blog! I'm a Chatty Cathy. My extensive scientific research is showing that dudes don't communicate that way. Over-explanation of things for the ladies and the dudes turn off. They can't handle it. I've gotten in trouble with this in the last week, and I'm feeling the ramifications like WOAH! 

           I need to learn how to just say it and let it sit in the air. What's with my need to over-explain everything?......Ok, it's in my nature, but my goal is to simplify my thoughts. What's the worst that could happen??? The other person would respond honestly and not feel bombarded by my need to put in my 2 cents..and then my 4 cents..and then my 12 cents..etc..etc.. I just need to put myself on a budget and only put 2 cents in! That's when relationships get interesting. 

          So, I'm only going to be taking the Sassy Horse out for occasional rides. He has gotten me in far too much trouble. Although I would like to be green, I will just be walking for awhile. I'm on a budget too, so the horse hay will be far too expensive anyway. 

DISMOUNTING SASSY HORSE AND PUTTING HIM IN HIS STABLE RIGHT NOW.

I've got a crush on you...So I'm going to yell at you and pretend like I hate you!

    


       Many people need silly things like "food" or "water" to survive. Those stupid things seem so obsolete to me. Do you know what I need? A crush. That's right, a girly "I'm behaving like a 12 year old girl" crush.

      As long as I can remember I have been a fan of the crush...woo! For a girl who hasn't committed herself to many dudes in her life, it sure feels like I've fallen for many a fellow in my day. If one were to find my 7th grade algebra notebook in a time capsule someday, they would find lists upon lists of possible crushes. In fact, I was so into having a crush that I would make "pros and cons" charts.

Pros:
*Supey Cutesies
*Plays soccer (Adult Madde says...WTF? to this)
*Just got his braces off
*Sometimes smiles at me

Cons:
*Acne is taking over his cheeks
*Sometimes he smells bad
*He is dating my best friend....ugh.


      The crush was an essential part of my day in middle school, and in adulthood the crush has taken on new meaning. Some smart person once said,  "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." I firmly believe this smart person was talking to all women that went to all-girls schools. Not following? Let me explain. You see in an all-girls school environment we lacked some things...mainly, BOYS. If I had gone to school with boys I would have been fed everyday with crushes. On my left..A BOY! On my right...A DUDE! In my front..A GENT! In my back...a NUN...staring at me..telling me I should sit down, pray to Jesus that he forgives my skanky behavior,  and pay attention and direct my focus away from the boys. Going to a co-ed school would have simply made me glutenous. Instead, I learned how to fish. Yes, I learned how to fish for boys for the rest of my life. No longer will I be hungry for the boys because I know how to bait my pole and fish for them (wait..that came out wrong....mmmk..I think I'm ok with it).

     In our adulthood we find little crushes in our daily lives all the time. Whether it be the guy from Trader Joe's who takes me on a journey through the gluten-free items, that barist-dude from Starbucks from whom you order that Venti skim soy latte from even though you hate coffee, or maybe that adorable boy in the class you're taking just for fun on Tuesday nights... wherever you find them, crushes are abound in this world! The adulthood crush is wonderful. I say "SO LONG!" to those days of wearing my pleather leopard coat and chunky heels to the football game to impress you, and "HELLO!" to the current days of
just being so naturally fabulous that you couldn't help but dig me too! True, the adult crush isn't always reciprocated, or heck! even acknowledge, but it's the adult confidence of knowing that it could be more than a night in which I put on way too much Clinique Happy perfume and go home crying in the back seat of my friends Honda! Yes, this brief encounter with my adult crush could actually make me feel GOOD about myself! (GASP!! from my teen self)

    A crush gives us a burst of confidence! A daily reminder that we are fabulous, beautiful, and deserve the best kind of love out there. Crushes are the protein boost to my smoothie that is life. True, my personal smoothie is sometimes filled with A LOT of different kinds of FRUITS, but sometimes it tastes so good, and I can't help but feel FABULOUS after I take a sip.

An open letter to...THE COUPLE THAT WENT INTO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER AND NEVER CAME OUT!

Today as I sipped tea in the middle of the afternoon at my local tea joint, I was witness to one of the most mind-boggling events my little eyes have ever seen....this week. That brings me to my open letter of the day to....THE COUPLE THAT WENT INTO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER AND NEVER CAME OUT!

DEAR THE COUPLE THAT WENT INTO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER AND NEVER CAME OUT,

       Hey you guys! It's me, Madde. I'm the little blonde girl sitting on the couch outside of the bathroom taking pictures of myself on my PhotoBooth and singing out loud to myself. So..... Ummm... heeey... Looks like you are really taking advantage of that unisex bathroom. May I ask you a few questions? I don't mean to be crass or invasive, but what are you doing in there exactly? I could understand if both had to go to the bathroom (I mean, I should know how fast that tea shoots through the ol' bod right? Right you guys? Huh? Am I right?), but don't you see the other vacant one right next door? It's that other door that has the picture of the girl and the boy on it and it says "unisex". I honestly think it was vacant and ready for use.
       But it's really possible I'm being ignorant here, perhaps you had been to the other bathroom yesterday and it was out of order. Perhaps the flusher didn't flush to your liking, or maybe you sprayed water on yourself in the sink and it's too painful to go back in there. Or maybe one of you is helping the other...umm...clean up after use of the pot. I don't know, I'm just the little blonde girl sitting on the couch outside of the bathroom taking pictures of myself on my PhotoBooth and singing out loud to myself. What do I know?

(this is how I feel when you go into the bathroom and don't come out...this is what happens on my PhotoBook)

     Couple, you are aware that my mind goes to the dirty places because you guys didn't come out of there, right? I don't mean to go there. I mean for goodness sake, I went to Catholic School! My mind should be pure....but it's not. Were you guys bumpin' uglies in the bathroom? Just be honest. Were you? Because if you were I'm going to need to find a new tea establishment to sip my tea, sit on the couch while taking pictures of myself on PhotoBooth and singing out loud to myself. You understand, right? Are we in a fight now? You should understand. You guys, I really, really hope you understand. For serious here. I drink a lot of tea while I'm there. It shoots right through me. I'm going to need to use that bathroom, and I won't be able to do that if you have bumped uglies in there. Just thought I would put it out there. Thank you for your time.

     (Also, please find another establishment to do the nasty in. Thank you.)

Love,

Me

Are we just living to change our relationship status on Facebook?

You probs have a facebook, yes? If you don't, you know you should have one and you're walking around in the world just pretending like it doesn't exist. You're hip. Congratulations. :)

Anywhos, the "FB" as I like to call it, has made the modern dating world a bizarre place to live in. Imagine if you will, meeting someone at a party. You're having a great time. They are super fun. Their charm is something that makes you weak the knees. Their cute factor is at about a 12. You're smitten as a kitten. You exchange your names and hope to see each other again. Cut to the time in which you've returned home. It is an almost guarantee that BOTH of you are searching for the other on the FB. True story. You want to find out who they are...mutual friends?... were they ugly at some point? search the pictures...are they somewhat of a downer-pants? check the status updates for sad updates about how they only like the rainy days...and finally, relationship status. You go for the relationship status ASAP.

The FB has made it possible for us to pretty much research our crushes like a third grade book report before any moves are made. We all do it. Admit it. Stop sitting there saying.."I don't do that..That's weird"..yes you do. It's called "creepin'" and that's why the FB was invented. To creep. In fact, the other night whilst having drinks with a charming young gentlemen and discussing the FB,  he proclaimed... "Late at night I creep." Yes. That is a true story. That happened. He admitted it. I appreciated it.

So is this research good for us or does it take the excitement out of the future with this person? If you know everything about them like their love of pictures of baby animals (hehe, that's me!), or if you creep upon their pictures from their college trip to the Galapogos Islands to save the turtles..what's there to talk about on the first date? You certainly can't bring up the turtles on the date, that's a SURE sign that you creeped..and you don't want to ADMIT that you creeped. So do you just subtly bring up your love for turtles too at some point? Or are the turtles off the table for the conversation? When do you get to talk about the TURTLES? Will you EVER be able to talk about the turtles? Should you intentionally not talk about turtles if he brings them up? You don't want to blurt out..."Oh ya, I saw you holding a giant turtle on your facebook"...you can't say that. Date is over if you say that.

My extensive, scientific research has shown that the facebook creep is probs not the best for a budding relationship. Surprise yourself! Don't even friend your crush on the FB, don't accept their friendship if they request it! Get to know them the old-fashioned way, even though that seems oh-so obsolete in these over-technological times! Are we just living to change our relationship status? We should be living to actually ENJOY our relationships, not proclaim them on the internets.

So, what have we learned on the blog today, kids? Creepin' should only be done if you have the self-control to keep your mouth shut and NOT bring up the turtles at any point on your date. If you have that self-control, creep away! I do not have that self-control. No creepin' for me. Le sigh.

Somewhere over the rainbow...lie all my ex-boyfriends.

I received a phone call tonight from a very dear friend. It went something like this....

"Madde. 

I'm glad you answered the phone so late.

You were the only person who was going to understand this!

I think I met my soul mate.

We like all the same things.

He's wonderful.

I love him. 

I want to hook up with him...a lot.

BUT!!

He's gay! NOO!!

Ugh.

I finally know how you feel all the time!"

WOAH! Hold the phone! You felt like ME? Ok, fine. I get it. I would go to me too. You see, I understand this tale...VERY well. 

Many a gay man has fallen for the Madde. I suppose it's in my DNA or something. This brings me to my...... 

TOP 10 REASONS (some) GAY MEN LOVE ME SO MUCH.

1. My love of show tunes and the theatre. 
2. I wear sparkle in the daytime.
3. Four words: Liza Minnelli. Barbra Streisand. 
4. I haven't met a rumour I don't like to hear and then spread. :)
5. I own a wide variety of high-heeled foot decorations...and I wear them with ease and grace. 
6. Natural fabulousity? I've got it. 
7. My love of abbreviating words like "totes," and having no fear about using them in regular conversation.
8. The bigger my hair, the happier I am. I'm not afraid to tease it up. 
9. I wear things like exaggerated-shouldered denim jackets and hot pink leggings with no irony at all.
10. I AM CATNIP FOR THE GAYS. ENOUGH SAID.

      These things (and many more) make me a prime candidate for many gents who are looking to... hmmm...how should I say this...umm...well...they are looking to....ummm..."find themselves". Usually, they have some inkling that they want to date men, but use me as a distraction on their journey to gayville. This is not a job I take lightly, in fact I take this job very seriously. I'm their last shot at a woman for a very long time, so I have to really make my mark. I guess we could say this is a compliment to me. I'm so fabulous they couldn't help but get a date or two in with me before they bid adieu to the ladies! I'm flattered, boys...simply flattered. 

    My problem? Well usually I fall for the gents before I know they are gay. WOOPS! I tell myself, "No, Madde. He's just sensitive. That's sweet. That means he'll be a great father....No, Madde. He's not holding hands with that guy at the bar..he's just giving him a palm reading!" Yes, folks, I fool my little heart into believing that they are all about the ladies, when in fact, they are all about the dudes! Yay! It has become a running joke amongst my friends that I always have to check to make sure the guys I am crushing on or casually dating aren't gay. Le sigh. But here's the little secret they never tell you in dating school....you can use your intuition, you can ask all his friends, you can even ASK HIM, and he can always end up likin' the boys! Darn it!

So what can we do to avoid dating gay men, Madde? My extensive scientific research proves that you can...NOT do anything about it. Enjoy it. Continue to live in your fabulousity. And a straight one will come around soon. :)

So...to all of you experiencing the "oh my god, the guy I'm dating is gaysies" for the first time... :) Welcome to the club! Also know that there is a GREAT parting gift to this seemingly horrible dating disaster......

LOTS AND LOTS OF NEW GAY BOYFRIENDS!  :) YOU LUCKY DUCKS, YOU!  YAAAAAY! Please enjoy this song.... it's my theme song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK9VBxDlQOE

T.AA: Text-aholics Anonymous

(this could be ME if I'm not careful...bucktooth and all...)

Hi, thank you for joining me at this meeting. Can we gather in a circle and hold hands, please? 

Ugh. This is hard. Ooo..I don't know how I can say this. Mmmm..I need your support on this one.

My name is Madde and I'm a text-aholic. (Hi, Madde)

       I'm a text-aholic. Yes, a text-aholic. I love to text. For serious on this one. If I have your number in my phone I have probs texted you once or twice. It was brought to my attention recently just how much I like to text, in fact. And you know what? I'm embarrassed. Text messaging has become a habit of convenience for me. I will text to say hello, make a funny, send a picture, or pass the time. Friends, family, crushes, and more. They all get a little Madde love in their phone in box.


      In fact, I've recently coined the term "flirtexting". "Sexting" is tacky, but "flirtexting" is adorable. You see, 'flirtexting' is texting witty and adorable things to a person you are interested in. It gives you the convenience of being flirtatious from your very own home! Unfortunately for me...I'm a babbler. Yes, I babble like a brook. I like to be witty. Have the last word. This brings me to...a true story..comin' at ya! Let me share a recent text conversation with a dear friend I'll call "Truth-Speaker"...


(imagine a witty text conversation..and then THIS..)

Me:

 Ugh. Balls

Truth-speaker: 

ok, texty. one more text and you win the GUINESS RECORD!!

Me: 

:(

Truth-Speaker: 

MADDE! YOU HAVE WON! CONGRATULATIONS!! YOUR PRIZE IS...(I'm not at liberty to share with you what the prize was..it's gross..haha)

Me: 

You are dead to me.

Truth-Speaker: 

Harsh.

THE END.

     You guys, this was a wake up call. For serious. The text message has replaced the phone call and face-to-face conversation, leaving in it's place a opportunity to embarrass yourself like WOAH!


      "How does the text message play a role in a budding relationship?" asks the grasshopper. Well, I'm glad you asked. My extensive, scientific research proves that the text message is detrimental to a budding flower of love. Why? Well because of many things. A text message isn't like a conversation. A text message can be looked at over and over again. Examined, re-read, studied, pondered, and blown out of proportion. You say one stupid-ass thing and BOOM! done. The relationship is donezo. Also, one can OVER text someone they hold in high-esteem (cough--me--cough) just because they have potential adult ADD and want to share every thought they have. Also two very scary things exist...they are called boredom and/or alcohol. Woops.


     Take for instance the website textsfromlastnight.com. That is a clear example of why text messaging shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. Examples include: "that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before..." or "He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere." or "when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave." Texting has become a time to share our most ridiculous thoughts WHENEVER we feel the need to share them, and to a potential suitor..this can be frightening. You don't want to show them your crazy cards so quick! :)


    So, how am I going to fix this bad habit I've developed? I'm bringin' the phone call back, people! Weee! I like vintage clothes, why not bring back vintage behaviors? I learned how to text message on Christmas morning when I was in 7th grade. The text has been with me for a very long time. I'm not going to say goodbye to it, but if I have something to say..you're going to get a phone call from me! Why? Because I am going to think through what I have to say if I do that. Any other thoughts will be tweeted or kept to myself. It might be better that way. All my "flirtexting" will be replaced with real flirting, but I warn you..that's awkward too. Take what you can get with me. 


So, a big THANK YOU to the Truth-Speaker and their truths that they embarrassed me with. :) I'm going to go make a phone call! Oooooooo!