An open letter to the....MOTHER THAT IS SCREAMING AT HER SON IN TARGET

Target has become a place of so much inspiration for me. It doesn't matter what aisle I'm in. In the make-up aisle you will find crazy girls screaming on their cellphones. In shoes? Well that is a place of argument always. But my favorite is in the toy area..... That brings me to my open letter of the day to....the mother I saw screaming at her son in target.

Dear MOTHER THAT IS SCREAMING AT YOUR SON IN TARGET,

He is on the floor screaming and yelling because 3 years ago you named him MARVIN!! That was your choice, not his. Deal with the choice you made.


Love,

Me

These boots were made for walking over to you and telling you that your shoes are fuggles.

This is my hallway. These are my shoes. These are just a few of my shoes TAKING OVER my hallway. I enjoy footwear. There. I said it. 

Some goon once said that the clothes make the man..well, I believe this to be true, but I really think the shoes make the man. Call me shallow, call me a snob, but I have been known to dump a man to the curb for appalling footwear. Why? you ask...Well, I'm glad you are here for my explanation. 

Can someone please explain to me when black tennis shoes became popular? I just don't get them. Perhaps they aren't my aesthetic, but I think they are just fugly. I knew a dude who wore a chunky black tennis shoe with steel toes. Really? Steel-toed tennies? Are you going into battle with the other nerds that own those shoes?

While we're on the topic of tennis shoes, I'd like to address all dudes wearing ORTHOPEDIC TENNIES IN THEIR 20s! If you wear them for lower back purposes...fine. You get a free pass on this one. BUT! If you wear them for fashion purposes or even putting them on your feet purposes...seek a trash can full of fire and place them in it immediately! I'm helping you out on this one.

Let's talk about sandals, for a moment. I get it. If you want to wear sandals..that is your choice. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER include a sock in a sandal. I will vomit all over you. Also, if your sandal resembles anything close to what Rosie O'Donnell would wear out on her boat in Miami, reconsider. You know what those are. You do. It just requires some thinking in the mind-grapes. 

So what is the right shoe? That's a personal choice.

For gents in a financial pickle, a vintage converse sneaker always does the trick in my heart. High tops? Even better. Take those sneakers and run to second base with me...I mean..what? I didn't mean that. I meant for people that play baseball or something in them...umm..I digress.

Attractive male footwear is a challenge to find. Having shopped for the perfect shoe with many friends of the male gender, I know this first hand. You don't want to spend the time indulging in the proper footwear, but I assure you..your feet don't go unnoticed. Also, now that we're talking about shoes..let's take a moment and talk about socks. Your formerly white socks should not be anywhere near the yellow family...they shouldn't. This goes for the chicks too! Please, take some time with a bleach bottle and get those foot covers white, or find that flaming trash can and get rid of them!

I remember being in middle school and making my infamous lists of "Madde Wants a Boyfriend: Who's Better?". An important and weighty category came with shoe choice. "Steel-toed black tennies dude" fell to the bottom of the list every time because I couldn't deal with the fear of being kicked by accident by him. That's dangerous. His shoes were DANGEROUS!

The last few weeks I have seen some adorable footwear on the dudes. Keep up the good work. And to those who aren't living up to your personal best...let's go shopping. I'm oodles of fun and I will make you uncomfortable at least two times. 

An open letter to the....MYSELF: A GIRL WHO LEAVES BANANAS IN HER CAR

Dear MYSELF: A GIRL WHO LEAVES BANANAS IN HER CAR,

Self, why would you leave a banana in the back seat of the Jetta? That's not a proper place for a banana! Banana's belong in banana hammocks, not Jettas! I know you were intending on eating it later if you needed a snack, but really....the back seat of the Jetta is probs not the wisest place.

 Self, I don't want to be too hard on you, but logic really isn't your strong suit, is it? You see, you live in a state that has all four seasons. This season is spring..do you know what happens in spring, self? Spring is a time in which the sun shines a lot. You know how they tell you to not keep babies in your car? Do you know why that is? Because it gets hot and the babies skin will bruise like bananas, and then the babies will become mushy..and then you can't eat them love them.

So, self...practice logic. That's all I'm going to say. I love you. I love your need for potassium.

Love,

Me

When did my friends get so slutty? (Apologies to my friends..)

Mmmk. I have a bone to pick with the world. Forgive me if you are about to get offended...but... Why does everyone think they wrote the rule book on what a good date is? Everyone seems to have an opinion, including myself (i know..i know..i'm on month 4 of writing a blog about dating..so i am full of it). Anywhos, everyone seems to have an opinion on what constitutes a good date.

Let's say for instance you come home after a great evening with a fellow you enjoy. Perhaps you've only known each other for a short amount of time, he's asked you out to get to know you. It was a fun. You come home feeling great about the evening! You had drinks, you talked for hours, you laughed, and you plan to see each other again. It was a great first date....in MY book...but what the eff do I know? Right away you tell your friends, to which they respond..."Well, did he kiss you?"...Ummm..no..he didn't. Does this suddenly make this great first date null and void? Well that's not fair!

The question arises..when did my friends get so slutty? Are my friends out in the world sticking their tongues down the throats of innocent unsuspecting people? I certainly hope not! I'm no mathematician, but... if one and one make two, then my friends and their first dates equal slutty behavior! (GASP!) If you are out on a first date with a person you barely know, are you really going to put your face on theirs? I'm not! No matter how attracted to them I am...I thought that was just standard practice, but methinks I'm in the minority (gasp! #2).  If a hot n' heavy make-out session is required on the first date by my peers, than by their standards I have gone on a string of very unsuccessful dates for....(hold on..let me add it up...calculating...carrying the 4..dividing the 2..one sec..)..oh yes, my whole life!

I've never been "Cathy, the casual kisser". I've always been "Madde, please keep your tongue to yourself if we don't know each other very well." It's been working out for me for about 22 years, so I'm not sure on why my friends are so concerned with my habits now. I come home from great first dates, feeling confident, happy, and euphoric about new possibilities and then BAM! I'm suddenly tossed back to feeling like I'm in 8th grade and it's spin the bottle time and "Woops! I suddenly have to go to the bathroom when the bottle lands on me..what a coincidence! So weird that happened..ha..isn't that funny, you guys! I'll be right back! Umm...ya...no interest in kissing you and your acne mouth..so umm..I'll be in the bathroom for a little while...so you guys finish that game...and call me when the pizza comes...Awesome." Remember that time? Or was that just me. Ha..It might have just been me. Woops.

Why can't we feel happy about PG dates? When did a hand holding sesh become obsolete? I see it like this, everyone wants to see the date movie in 3D, but I always liked it in the regular theater! There's more leg room, it's not as cramped, it doesn't require me to wear funny glasses that a lot of other people have worn...if you get my drift...(which you probs don't because that was the strangest metaphor known to man). You have your whole life to put your face on someone elses, what about a little cat n' mouse, huh? When did that game go by the wayside? If you give up the goods right away, then why bother with the courtship? If you allow me to go back to movie theater metaphors for a moment...people buy the extra large popcorn because they get free refills..but have you ever noticed you NEVER go back for that refill? You know why? Because you are so full and sick by the end of the movie, you can't eat anymore. If you get slutty on the first date, you are the extra large popcorn..you sound like a great idea, but your artificial flavoring and glutenous size will make you an undesirable candidate for a refill.

Once upon a time I went out on a few dates with a guy I liked: A Play in 5 Dates/Acts

(Your friends are not on your dates...why do they know so much about them? Because you blab your face off about them.)

A good date is something you want to shout from the mountain tops. For those of us who live in cities, our mountaintops translate into a cell phone. Yes, we shout our good news from our cellphones in 2010. We call our friends ASAP. Why?  Our friends know every detail about our dating lives. They know when we're going on the date, with whom, and what we are doing. They are practically dating this person too. I had a thought the other day, do my friends and I talk too much about our dating lives? Hmmm...curious thought. Let us take a journey through this, shall we?

The great thing about telling your friends every detail of your dating life is the fact that you get a sounding board..FOR FREE! Weee! Your friends HAVE to listen to the fact that he took you out to a picnic at 2 in the afternoon and packed a gluten-free meal for you both to enjoy, then rode on a row boat in a pond, and finished the day off with a trip to the zoo to see the monkeys (this sounds like a magical date..a girl can dream...le sigh). A friend is required to listen to this and analyze accordingly. It's simply in the friend code of conduct. Personally, I love analyzing the dates of others! It lets you in on this crazy world of people's idiosyncrasies.

You might be saying to yourself..."Well Madde! This looks great! Why would it be a problem to chit chat with your peeps about your dates every once and awhile!". I'm glad you asked. The problem is this: your friend isn't on the date with you. Were you aware of this? When you are strolling the zoo with your crush, your friend Judy isn't standing next to you taking notes. When you get home from the zoo and pick up your cellphone (many times one does not even wait to get home..hello! that's why they invented cell phones and speaker phone!), you have to tell Judy every detail about the date. When you relay the details of the date...things get sticky.

Most of the time you will dwell on some weird negative things like.."Well, when we were in the aquatics center and I told him I really liked the seals....well, you see...he didn't respond, Judy. Can you believe that? You know how important seal life is to me. How could he not say anything? Do you think he didn't hear me? I mean he had to have heard me. He was standing right next to me. I mean, the walrus was playing his trumpet next door! But he was standing so close to me! I made it very clear that I loved the seals! Ugh. Judy. We are doomed." Judy is left with the details that he doesn't like the seals. So what does she say? "Dump his ass" Sadly, Judy is coming from a place of ignorance, as she was not on the date, she does not know that said gentlemen also held my hand all day and told me how luminous I am. Judy. Bad call, girlfriend. Thanks for ruining that relationship with your crazy advice.

Our friends can also give crazy advice when hearing the positive too. After telling Judy that he had given you a lick of his ice cream cone after you saw the tropical bird show at the zoo, Judy tells you that he's clearly in love with you, and tonight when you go to see "Hot Tub Time Machine" with him... he's probs going to kiss you... You know what? Judy isn't going to be on this date, so Judy won't have to deal with the fact that when you get to "Hot Tub Time Machine", your date has invited his younger brother who is really into Pokemon...still...in 2010. He still likes Pokemon. Judy's attempts at making you "live a little" have backfired because you are now at a movie with your crush and his nerdtastic younger brother, you will not be kissing him the way Judy has brainwashed you to think you would be doing.. and you are grumpy for the whole evening. We have all been there.

The thing is this: you know if our crush likes you because you can feel it. It's not a feeling you can explain to your friends over the phone. It's between you and them, and adding other people into the mix can make things messy. Your friends, whether they have good intentions or not, may screw with your mind a bit. It's a good thing to have a sounding board, to tell your closest pals about your newest crush who gives you butterflies in your tum-tum, but to create the saga of "Once upon a time I went out with a guy I liked..A play in 5 dates/Acts.." for your friends....gets old real quick, and makes your dating life into a soap opera for someone else to enjoy.

So, go out on your own dates dates. Use your own mind. Your own judgement. Feel your own feelings. Make your own choices. And please..for the love of Jesus/Buddha/Etc..etc..Don't let that stupid Judy come on the date with you. She clearly has no judgement whatsoever.