Saturday, July 17, 2010

I wear my sunglasses at night...and during the day...and when I sleep...and when I shower..

I spent a beautiful afternoon at Lake of the Isles the other afternoon with a friend. We sat for hours discussing life, laughing, sunning, and working on big kid work. A few hours later the sun was going down and I was on my way home. On my way home, suddenly the sunshine went away and from the west, a shit-storm came my way! My friend called to air some of his grievances with me..and revealed that he was offended that I hadn't taken my sunglasses off the entire afternoon. Wow.

Can we get real here for a minute? Can I tell you that I honestly didn't even think about it. Seriously. That was not a thought that had gone through my mind AT ALL. I mean for god sake, we were OUTSIDE! How was I supposed to know that by hiding my eyes for hours at a time, this could be considered offensive. The sun was out!

As I brooded over this topic for many hours, I thought I would turn to my facebook to see if I had a sunglasses addiction. The results are shocking.

I present to you now some of my research...


Why? Simple reason..Because I'm outside. 

Why? Because I'm clearly in bed sleeping. Sunnies are not required for sleeping. 
(Please note that the sun is indeed out, but alas, I am in bed. Bed time is night time, not mid-afternoon "I require sunglasses to sleep" time.)

I'm clearly outside. I'm clearly on a boat looking over the island of Manhattan. Sunnies would be appropriate for this time. 

Some experts would say.."Madde! You're outside! You can wear sunnies!"
Many people do not know that it is offensive in the stuffed bear community to wear sunnies while trying to make out with them. Clearly my tongue is out and ready for some stuffed bear action, my sunnies prevented me from ever meeting his parents...because I had offended his culture. I'm sorry. 

This picture was taken at dusk as I slurpped on a soft serve ice cream cone. The sunnies serve a very important role in this because they prevented my eyes from the backwash of the melting ice cream. They were helpful and served the greater good. 

I am in an elevator, at night, wearing a leopard print dress. NOT wearing sunnies at this moment would be wrong. VERY wrong. Who knows when the next paparazzi would come around the corner to try to take my picture and sell it to OK! Magazine...

(...wait...hold on...)

I'm sorry. This has been moved to the BAD category because...I'm not a celebrity. In fact, I'm far from a celebrity, I'm just a girl wearing a leopard print dress in an elevator. Things look pretty safe. 

Although this was at night and inside, by the looks of my lipstick...I was in rough shape. Sunnies provided the boy in the picture safety from my wicked side. 

Unnecessary use of sunnies at night time. Clearly this picture was taken by a friend who had a thirst for my hidden eyes. I'm sorry. 

Goats have devil eyes. I didn't want him to steal my soul. The sunnies were protecting me...Levar Burton -style...

This many sunnies on one face is known to cause an inflated sense of self and fish mouth. A poor placement of sunnies. 

This llama hadn't earned the right to see into my soul. We had just met...he would get the sunnies until he EARNED my eyes. 

So yes, perhaps my friend was right. I wear sunnies a lot. I don't mean to be offensive in my wearing of them. Perhaps I think I'm Rachel Zoe? She wears her sunnies everywhere she goes, yet no one yells at her...

So I guess my only option is this: If it is sunny out, I will pop one of my lenses out of my sunglasses revealing ONE of my eyes. This way the person sitting across from me knows that they exist, and then the other eye is safe from the rays of the sun! Deal? Deal. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

Is there dust in your eye? oh..that's a flirty wink...awkward. Stop that.

(this is a picture of an awkward audition. that old guy in the background will be directing this piece..and touching you whether you like it or not...he will pretend it's him trying to help you speak from your diaphragm..we know that's a lie.)

Ok, put your dance belts on! Stretch it out! It's time to do a reading of my new play called: "Inept Flirting Girl" Ready?

Hey Girl. You look cute today.

Stop it. You don't mean that. Seriously. Stop that. Walk away. Now.

(winks at Girl)

You should get some eye drops. Your eye seems dry.

(sits close so his arm is touching hers)

Oh, do you not have enough room in that seat of yours, buddy? Why don't you give a lady her space?

(Runs away crying)

....and SCENE! 

Take a bow!

That was an excerpt from the play, it was Scene One: Common Scenario of Inept Flirting Girl, Just another Monday. While everyone we saw at callbacks for this play were good, the role of the girl in this scene is going to be played by ME. Sorry folks. See you at the next auditions!

I am not a flirty person. Any type of flirtation that comes out of me is merely by accident. You see, I think I may have been dropped as a child causing my flirting tools to be permanently damaged.

When it comes to flirtation many people say.."live in the moment" or "just feel it out"'s the makes me uncomfortable to feel it out, it makes me feel stupid to live in that moment.  I have a lot of friends who like to "get their sexy on," but that's simply not me. It doesn't matter who it is in front of me too.

As the recipient of flirtation, I am a mess as well. He could be a dolphin trainer with the looks of Hugh Grant and I would still behave like a bumbling idiot. If someone winks at me, I wonder if they have a piece of dust stuck in their eye. If a boy sits close to me, I assume it's because they don't have enough room on their enormous couch, and then politely ask them to scoot over so that I can have room to breathe. Say for instance his hand brushes mine, I make no mind to that..I assume it's because they have a shaky hand and it just shook over to mine by accident.

 Flirting makes me feel dumb. There. I said it. 

I have this thought, flirting is a little selfish if you think about it. It makes the Flirter feel good about themselves, it isn't always about making the Flirtee feel special. You see, flirting allows one to show off how charming and adorable they are. By flirting with another person they develop an inflated sense of self. They think, "Wow, I'm so suave and delicious. This person has no chance at resisting the meal I'm bringing to this dinner table!"

Now, now..calm down, I'm not saying that I'm a martyr because I wasn't born with the flirting gene, but I am saying that flirting is an act of ulterior motives. Perhaps we flirt to make ourselves feel desirable? 

They say people are born flirts. Babies are born and start winking at everyone,  and people just say about them, "Oh, he's such a flirt!"...but where did he learn that? He flirts with everyone because he's a baby, it makes him feel good about himself! His flirting target is of no mind to him, he just likes winking and feeling like the big baby on campus! It doesn't matter if it's his classmates at daycare, the lady at the check out at Babies-R-Us, or even his own mother! He flirts because he's a baby and it gives him power! (I'm not saying I hate babies. They are fine...I guess)

Flirting is not something I can do. I wasn't born a winker, and I'm not going to evolve into one. It's just the cross I have to bear. I have to go rehearse my play now. "Inept Flirting Girl" will open next my basement. There are seats for everyone. I have to cast BOY, but I keep stumbling over them every time I go out on a date, so I'm sure I'll find one and then about 45 understudies.