Friday, December 20, 2013

Pepe Le Pew School for the Smooches

Christmas is usually a time of charitable giving. My recent transition to New York City has left me with cash that can only be used for $1 pizza and rent. In an effort to be more charitable and give back to the community this season, I decided to offer my heart and time by doing some volunteer work. Finding a volunteer position that would accentuate my unique skills proved to be a challenge. I surely would burn my hands on chowder at the soup kitchens. I've WebMd'd myself enough to know that I'm probably susceptible to carpel tunnel, so bell ringing for the Salvation Army is out. (Also, they hate gay people and they can go Fa-la-la-la themselves.) So what did I decide to do??

This Christmas I have clocked a lot of volunteer hours...

Kissing boys who kind of don't deserve kisses because they don't kinda know how to give kisses, so I've been kissing them in hopes that they kinda learn how to give kisses to other girls who actually kinda like them a lot more than I kinda like them...ya know? But I'm super nice about it because I'm doing charity work and that's nice of me. I'm not mean. I promise. It sounds like I'm super mean, but I'm not. It's charity. I'm writing it off on my taxes. I'm super nice. Stop judging me. Kisses. 

I've yet to finish my Christmas shopping because I've been changing lives around the country one kiss at a time. I don't want to brag, but if Santa were bringing kisses around the world on Christmas night, he would be as exhausted as I am right now. No disrespect to Santa for what he does, but honestly---he has no idea what hard work my Christmas charitable acts have been. Thanks for making Jack-In-The-Boxes, KrissyKring-sicorns, but we all have had to work this Christmas. I don't get cookies, I get chapped lips and a sense of sadness and empathy that can't be cured by extra calories. 

I'm sure my efforts have already inspired you to do your own charitable kissy-faced acts, so allow me to  answer some of your burning questions. 

Q: How can you tell a charitable-worthy tragic kisser from a kissy face champion? 

A: It is with greatest sadness that I inform you--you can't. Unfortunately you must wander the world in search of those in need. If you kiss them, you will know. 

Q: Someone has approached me with fish lips, what do I do?

GO (far away from the) FISH!

A: Great question. Firstly, I want you to know that you are safe. You are not about to kiss a fish, you are about to kiss a human (I hope. It might be a fish, check for gills). Tell the fish-human that they are not a fish. Avoid water. Just give a simple kiss. Also, wear a life vest. 

Q: My kissing charity case comes at me with a lot of open eye action. What do I do?

A: Open eye kissers come from a place of fear that they will miss all of beauty if they close their eyes. Carry a blind fold with you at all times. Put it on open eye kissers and don't give them a choice about it. It creeps us all out to be watched during kissy times, but they are not in a place to hear it right now. 

Q: They make their lips look like a butthole. Help. 

A: Understandably, many people think this is a butt face move. My work with this population has expanded my knowledge on this particular move. Kissers who use (what is known on the street as) "butt hole mouth,"  were usually trained in the school of Pepe Le Pew School for the Smooches. 
Without continued education, most kissers will only know what they learned in PLPSS. Direct them to the University of Phoenix. There they will find many resources, such as the opportunity to major in "Kissing Normal". 

Q: Someone bit my nostril. I let it happen. Is this ok?

A: It's certainly not appropriate, but quite normal. Gently take their teeth off your nose-hole and tell them in no way, shape, or form is this sanitary or sexy. Use your new nose hole to put in a fun nose piercing. 

So I shall leave you with this, charitable kissing humans. 
Kissing is fun. Kissing is great. 
But with kisses, comes great kiss responsibility. 
Kisses can be tragic. Kisses can be awkward. 
Don't let it happen to you. 
If you stumble upon someone who needs some kiss help, 
just say it. 
No one wants their face licked, nostril bitten, or lip sucked off their face forever. 
They will thank you in the end. 
Plus, who doesn't love kisses! 

Now go out there and kiss a friend! 

Bring Chapstick!


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Magic of the MistleWOAH

"Should I use my elf tongue?"

Well, well, well--look who it is. 
Hello there, Christmas!

That's right, our beloved Christmastime is upon us. As I sit and write this blog, I can't help but gaze out the window at the falling snow. While sipping my berry tea and listening to lil' Johnny Mathis serenade me with some "White Christmas," I think---Gosh darnit, I love Christmastime. No matter your religion, your beliefs, your bank account, Christmas is a time of hope, giving, hugs, giving of hugs, endless cookie consumption, and of course, a time for love, love, love. And this season, like many of you, I'm sure, you can find me at all Christmas parties, patiently waiting underneath the mistletoe.

What is it about Christmas and love? For me, it always seems to go hand and hand. No Christmas is complete without the little hope that perhaps this is the year Santa will leave me a handsome, funny, kind, patient, and emotionally-stable human man creature underneath my tree. You know, right next to my "My Little Pony" box set and novelty days of the week underwear. And every year--no box set, no undies, no human man creature. I comfort myself by saying, "Santa couldn't get him down the chimney. He's probably up on the roof pining for me. I love that about him."

Perhaps those of us in cold climates simply want another warm body to place itself upon us and provide us the heat we so rightfully deserve, but I'm pretty sure people in all climates look for love this time of year. I believe it is what I shall call the " 'Love Actually' Complex." The idea that any of us could find love under the glow of Christmas candles from the street windows and snag ourselves a Hugh Grant-level handsome Prime Minister of England. Why? Because it's Christmas--- and those things happen at Christmas. We believe that the magic of Christmas will put love magic into our hearts and bring us sledding right into each other's arms. 

In a crazy twist of doomed fate, I fell in love last Christmas. Real love. Head over heels, "Oh my god! I can't focus on trimming this tree!", "This is what Mariah Carey Christmas albums are talking about!!" kind of love. Truth be told I had fallen in love with him years before, but surely it was the magic of Christmas that brought us together. Holding mittens, jingling bells in an adorable manner with promise that the other one won't get mad for overzealous jingling, sipping cocoa, excitedly wrapping his specially ordered Batman footie pajamas, but one thing never happened last Christmas when I gave him my heart---we never kissed underneath the mistletoe. I blame THIS for our demise. 

According to the very reliable Wikipedia, the tradition of mistletoe dates back to the ancient Babylonian-Assyrian Empire. While women back in the Baby-Ass Empsicorns would stand patiently underneath the mistletoe outside the temples of the goddesses of beauty and love, the modern woman can be found underneath plastic mistletoe at an office party, clutching room temperature egg nog, and wondering why her Spanks seem to have teeth and are eating away at her belly fat. Back in the Baby-Ass Empsicorns, a kiss underneath the mistletoe ensured that the woman would be filled fertility and was betrothed to the man forever.  Either way, ladies and dude ladies continue to wait for that magical Christmas smooch-a-roo, with hopes that it means FOREVER.

So this Christmas requires a change. Everyone get ready to stand under that mistletoe and have your Christmas game faces on because this Christmas we will all find love. We have to. We must. Santa has let us down too many times, it is up to us now. Allow me to share some of my...

  • DO stand under the mistletoe with an inviting smile on your face. 
  • DON'T look like a crazy person freshly off a Christmas bender.
  • DO make sure you have an Altoid tin handy. Holiday cased meats can make for an unsavory kissing mouth igloo environment. 
  • DO giggle coyly when you notice "Oh gosh--looks like we are underneath the mistletoe. I don't know what we should do...(giggle giggle)"
  • DON'T say the above line if you are gonna be super awkward about it. 
  • DO let the magic of Christmas overcome you underneath the mistletoe. 
  • DON'T carry your mistletoe around with you on a stick and wave it around in crowds. 
  • DON'T make a sign and place it on your chest that says, "I'm single. Let's do this. Jingle Jingle, bitches."
  • DON'T YOU DARE ask your poor kissing partner to marry you after a drunken mistletoe debacle that one of you thinks is funny and the other one thinks is love. It's not love. I'm almost positive it won't be. Unless it is, in which case--mazel! But unless it is that magical Christmas moment of true mistletoe magic love--don't be a fucking crazy person about it.