Sunday, February 14, 2010

An open letter to...a ridiculous father I saw in Target.

(this is a turtle. he is awkward. he is an awkward turtle.)

As I walked through Target yesterday, scouring the aisles for contact solution, I walked past the most alarming thing I have seen in a long while. This brings me to my open letter of the week to.....THE FATHER PERUSING THE CONDOMS SECTION WITH HIS 6-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER RIDING SHOTGUN IN THE CART!

Dear the Father perusing the condoms section with his 6-year old daughter riding shotgun in the cart,

Wow. Where do I start? I honestly don't know. Mmmkk...let's start with a gentle question for you.....Seriously???? I don't want to judge, sir, but there are a few red flags here.
Now, I know Valentines day was coming up and you had some errands to run, but I wonder if that errand could have been run on your own time. Your life is busy, your "to-do list" is probably immensely long with such errands as "get milk, get flowers for my wife, get gas for the snow blower, ....get condoms after I pick up my child from ballet class."
The red flag came for me when you LINGERED in the aisle. I don't know if you know much about parenting, sir, but six years old is an age in which lots of questions are asked. Are you prepared to answer these questions this early in your daughters life? If you are, proceed (even though I disagree..but I'm just a youth..what do I know??) If you are not, you should be smacked in your face. Have a great Valentine's Day, stupidface! Thank you. That is all.



Pigs in a Blanket....Hot.

I'm confused, you guys. Today is just a normal Sunday. Why is everyone wearing red and pink? Flowers are everywhere. Why? Is it someone's birthday? Are we celebrating Sundays now? Hmm..

Ok, ok, fine..I'll stop the charade. It's the February holiday today. Yes. It is. You didn't know? I'm over it. While couples around the United States hug each other, eat pigs in a blanket, ice skate in a romantic manor, I'm filling my day with a lot of activities.

What have I done? Well, I woke up at 11, watched "Valentino: The Last Emperor" once (even though I could have watched it again..and again..and again..), now I'm fixated on watching some Vancouver luging. and laundry is whispering at me to do it. Hot.

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Gay Bar Probation? Woops.

A few days ago I broke one of my new dating rules. Yes friends, I went to a gay bar with my peeps! (Enter: NON-surprised faces of my friends and foes) My venture to this fabulous establishment was in the name of good theatre, but still...I broke my own rule.

You see, dates are few and far between when you approach the dreaded February Holiday (It has taken on it's own "Scottish Play" complex), so one must fill their Monday nights with some type of sparkle and pizzazz! What's the harm of a fruity cocktail among friends?

The morning of February 1st all single men under the age of 30 hibernate. Why? Well it's simple math, really. February is the shortest month of the year, yes? The February Holiday comes at the mid-point of the month. It is easier for a bloke to hibernate like a bear for the first 14 days, and reappear on the 15th day. This way he doesn't run the risk of wasting the ENTIRE month of February, but still keeps himself safe from the dangers of pre-14th dates.

The complications of a date before the 14th are tricky. A date before the February Holiday may imply romance with a person you are dating in a casual nature. First dates are OUT OF THE QUESTION. The pressure of the expectation is enough to drive young men into a cave in which they will play Madden 2010 for days on end, protest showers, but encourage large amounts of cheez-its and beer consumption, just to avoid the dreaded....lady friend. We can't blame them. Pity them? Perhaps. But blame, surely not.

This intricate mathematical equation puts the lady into a slump. What else am I supposed to do with my time? Knit? I don't do that. I go to gay bars with my peeps for musical theatre extravaganzas! It's just in my DNA. How dare I try to rob myself of that in the first place! :)

Happy with my decision. No regrets. No dates...this is true...but a better understanding of showtunes. That's awesome!


Thursday, February 4, 2010

A letter to.....MONSTERS OF THE SEA

News broke today of the worst shark attack in Florida in 5 years. A gang of sharks ate a man off the coast of FL. Yes, attacked him and ate him. Seriously? Ugh. That brings me to my letter of the week. This week I offer an open letter to.....SHARKS.

Dear Sharks,

Seriously?!? You're back to eating people again? Ugh. To say I'm disappointed with you would be spot on. Sharks, try and class it up a little.

Let me be frank with you, Sharks. I'll be honest...I think you've gotten a little cocky since you got your own week on the Discovery Channel. Has fame gone to your little leathery heads? Once a year Americans gather to toast your abilities as a hunter, a tyrant, and most importantly, a friend. Does that mean nothing to you, Sharks?

I, for one, will be protesting "Shark Week" this year. You know why? Because you have behaved despicably. Let me give you an example. I like Barbra Streisand. On the week of her new album release this year, I celebrated all things Barbra. I celebrated her angelic voice, her crazy high belt, her abilities to wear animal prints, the nose, everything, Let me tell you what Barbra did NOT do. Barbra did NOT circle me while I was taking a swim and eat me. You know why? Because Barbra Streisand is a class act, Sharks. Perhaps you could learn something from her.

Finally, Sharks, I offer you some advice. Many oceans offer vegetarian options in their dining rooms. I consider you call your Matradee, Monsieur Manatee, and ask for a reservation.
Surely he will seat you next to a large group of Sea Horses who are out for their monthly book club meeting. Sea Horses are veggies too, hang out with them more, and join their book club.

Until you get some manners, Sharks, I will not be returning your text messages. So stop sending them. You are blocked.



Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Rom-Coms..Friend or Foe to the single gal?

As I sorted through all my crap today while cleaning my spaces, I stumbled upon my dvd collection. I realized that my collection can be divided into about 4 sections.

1. Bizarre comedies that no one else seems to like except for me (I'm lookin' at you "Step Brothers"and "Troop Beverly Hills")
2. Sex and the City. All of it. Love it.
3. The Tina Fey Anthology
4. and of course....Romantic Comedies..lots of em.

With further inspection.. my Rom-com habits became quite clear.

Of course we had a very large section of Hugh Grant movies. Yes, this bumbling Brit has captured my heart. The collection includes such classics as "Notting Hill", "Love Actually", "Four Weddings and a Funeral," get the point..I have a Hugh Grant issue.

Then we went into the realm of British comedies in general. "The Holiday" more "Love Actually"..etc..American classics made an appearance as well. "When Harry Met Sally" and "Dirty Dancing are a must-have in the Rom-Com collection. New classics such as "Down with Love", "The Notebook", and "Devil Wears Prada" don't fail to disappoint.

Then we get into the deeper issue of..."Bridget Jones's Diary"....

To say I love Bridget Jones (both 1 AND 2) would be an understatement. I adore me some BJD. Can you guess why? Well, because I love a story about a girl like me (sappy and corny..I know..stop judging, the lady speaks to me.) Awkward, socially-inappropriate at times, not afraid to share her "wobbly bits" with the world, flawed, but at the end of the day...she's fabulous. St. Frances de Sales said, "Be who you are, and be that well." I don't think he was talking about Bridget Jones, but I think he had the right idea. I couldn't help but wonder (thank you, Carrie Bradshaw) whether this admiration for the romantic comedy was a good or bad thing.

You see, the Rom-Com gives the single girl some hope. Hope that a gorgeous man will see her from across the room at a fabulous party full of fabulous people wearing fabulous clothes and talking to other fabulous people, fall in love with her instantly, disguise himself as an astronaut to get to know her, trick her into falling head over heels for him, fight a man in a fountain to win her heart from that evil two-faced pimp, and through some wonderful twist of fate end up kissing and proposing to her in front of baseball stadium full of people who wait on pins and needles for her answer.

At the end of the day life isn't a romantic comedy... obviously. I can't tell you the last time I met an astronaut at a party, and the last man to cross a room for me was about 55-60 years old and spoke broken English. He was either asking me if I wanted to marry him or if I knew where the bathroom was..I wasn't sure. I think I'm OK with life not being a romantic comedy, but there are always those times in which we sit and wait for the happy ending to slap us in the face. Rom-coms are full of first dates, but in real life...I think going on a "date" has become a thing of the past. No one asks to take you out dancing anymore, they ask you "if you maybe wanna sorta go do somethin' and maybe wanna hang out maybe sorta, but then I gotta go do somethin' with my buddies probs..I think you're pretty-looking".

I think the world could benefit from watching more romantic comedies. Taking some time to study the suave moves of Colin Firth, the charming smile of floppy-haired Hugh Grant, and the stomach-flipping wink of Ewan McGregor would benefit young men today. And ladies, keep up the hope. We deserve to be swept up and sent on a whirlwind of romance. So until then, I'll stick to watching "Troop Beverly Hills".