Thursday, February 4, 2010

A letter to.....MONSTERS OF THE SEA

News broke today of the worst shark attack in Florida in 5 years. A gang of sharks ate a man off the coast of FL. Yes, attacked him and ate him. Seriously? Ugh. That brings me to my letter of the week. This week I offer an open letter to.....SHARKS.

Dear Sharks,

Seriously?!? You're back to eating people again? Ugh. To say I'm disappointed with you would be spot on. Sharks, try and class it up a little.

Let me be frank with you, Sharks. I'll be honest...I think you've gotten a little cocky since you got your own week on the Discovery Channel. Has fame gone to your little leathery heads? Once a year Americans gather to toast your abilities as a hunter, a tyrant, and most importantly, a friend. Does that mean nothing to you, Sharks?

I, for one, will be protesting "Shark Week" this year. You know why? Because you have behaved despicably. Let me give you an example. I like Barbra Streisand. On the week of her new album release this year, I celebrated all things Barbra. I celebrated her angelic voice, her crazy high belt, her abilities to wear animal prints, the nose, everything, Let me tell you what Barbra did NOT do. Barbra did NOT circle me while I was taking a swim and eat me. You know why? Because Barbra Streisand is a class act, Sharks. Perhaps you could learn something from her.

Finally, Sharks, I offer you some advice. Many oceans offer vegetarian options in their dining rooms. I consider you call your Matradee, Monsieur Manatee, and ask for a reservation.
Surely he will seat you next to a large group of Sea Horses who are out for their monthly book club meeting. Sea Horses are veggies too, hang out with them more, and join their book club.

Until you get some manners, Sharks, I will not be returning your text messages. So stop sending them. You are blocked.



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