Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Balls in your face!

We're always told by our Mothers to "play the field" with men before we settle down. To try and test out all the possible superstar players before we sign onto the all-star team. As one who has no athletic skill to speak of, I find it supey challenging to "play the game".

I played softball once in middle school and the team decided I would be super strong way, way far out in the outfield. There I was, sun beating on my pale skin, nervous beads of sweat dripping from my tiny brow. My hand got super hot so I opted to take that leather paw off and place it on the grass where it would surely cool off. Suddenly...BAM!! a ball comes flying way, way far out into the outfield. I could tell by the disappointed looks on my teammates faces, this wasn't supposed to happen. Unprepared and so panic-stricken that pee streamed down my leg like Niagara Falls in a rainy season, I reached my piggy arms up to the sky...BAM!! BALL IN THE FACE! Fail.

The dating pool in your 20s is a lot like getting a ball in your face. I'm out in the outfield of the world, just waiting for a man to come around, after awhile I've taken off my leather paw because surely I don't need it, and then BAM! Balls in my face! Not literal balls...well....No, no, no. No literal balls are on my face out in public. Oh gosh, this metaphor has gone in a direction I could never have imagined. Jeeze.

Ok, what I mean to say is this: Men are like balls and I'm out in the outfield waiting to catch one. I become so distracted and bored when no balls come out in my direction, I take off my hand armor. Then suddenly out of NOWHERE comes a ball and I'm not prepared to catch it. It just hits my face. I'm just known as "Madde Ball Face" for the rest of middle school my 20s.

Basically what I'm saying is I need to learn how to catch a ball or else Ima get hit in the face.

Monday, March 28, 2011

An Open Letter to...THE CUTE OLD WOMAN WHO TOLD ME TO "F@#$ OFF!"!

Dear The Cute Old Woman Who Told Me To "F#$* OFF!",

Well, well, well, aren't we a Bitter Betty? Listen lady, you came to an interactive show that I was in and I was simply asking you where your "happy face" was? Those words coming out of your face are certainly not happy, nor are they respectful. For shame.

Where'd you get a mouth like that Toots? Ever heard of a little thing called the swear jar? Someone owes it $5! $5 seem a little steep to you, Mouth? Well perhaps you shouldn't have told me to "F*&@ off!" TWICE!

Ma'am, I am but a wee and lowly actor, working for scraps and my shift cocktail after the show, your words have cut me to the core. Interactive theater should be a positive and enlightening experience of human beings coming together to create a magical and inspiring environment of make-believe! I have a copy of the script and no where in the character descriptions page is a "cute old woman who crushes the dreams of a young actor by use of her potty mouth" ever mentioned!

Today I ask you to look in the mirror and ask yourself some questions like "What would Meryl Streep do?". I believe Meryl is a good role-model for you in your aged state. Meryl Streep would never tell a youngin' to "F*#@ Off" and neither should you.

God bless and F--WOOPS!.... God bless again.



Sunday, March 27, 2011

Me, Myself, and I: How to Date Yourself

Ooooo la la! Look! I got flowers this week! 

And who gave them to me? 
(Go on! Go on! Let your minds wander! Who do you think gave me flowers?? Ooo la la! Giggle giggle)

Well.....I'll give you some hints.

This person is kind, charming, funnyish, thoughtful, intelligent-ish, and sometimes adorable.

They like me a lot. They are lovable, capable, and gosh-darnit, people like them!

Who was it?


Yup, I bought those little daisies for myself! 

Who says you can't date yourself? I'm gonna do it! I'm just gonna do it! (Wait! Mmmk..I bet a lot of people say that's not ok. I retract that statement! No wait, no I don't. I don't retract that statement at all. Pretend like this parentheses never happened. Ugh. Now I've confused us all! You guys, I'm really sorry. I suggest you go back to the top of this blog post and start reading again, when you get to the part where I say "Who says you can't date yourself?" don't read the part in the parentheses. Just move forward. Let's just pretend this doesn't exist. Ok. Let's try this again.)

(TAKE 2)

Who says you can't date yourself? I'm gonna do it! I'm just gonna do it! There's so much pressure to find a mate, but how well do we really know the mate we already have? Me and myself: Celebrating our 23rd Anniversary on May 21st. 

So, I did a little self-reflection about me. Fun fact about me: I'm a naturally anxious human being. My friends, my pillow pets, my family, and even my doctor all think I should just chill out a wee bit. When I sat down and thought about Anxious Me, I realized I don't give myself enough lovin' (please quickly remove your mind from the gutter so that we may continue....have you retreieved it? Wonderful. Let's move on!). Sure, I eat well and I like to hit up the Y every once and awhile (When I can figure out how to use the stairmaster!!), but when was the last time I did something nice for me? 

I started trying something out, a little something here, a little something there, and you know what?? It WORKED! I wouldn't say Anxious Me is gone, but I have certainly chilled out a lot! 

So, how do you date yourself? Some tips:

1. Flowers: 
Buy yourself flowers and place them by your bed. When you wake up in the morning and smell the glorious smells of spring wafting from your bedside table, you can't help but be happy. 

2. Tea Dates: 
Take yourself out on a tea date! Go to your local Tea Garden with your favorite book and spend an hour reading and being fabulous. (If I may suggest a book title "Mr. FunnyPants" by Michael Showalter has changed my life. Pick it up.)

3. Smile Parties: 
Guess what! You got invited to a party! It's called a SMILE PARTY! And if you don't wear a smile to the SMILE PARTY, your ass is getting kicked out! When is the party? It's RIGHT NOW! Hope you have your smile swagger on! 

4. Sweeten Up! 
No one wants to date a Debbie Downer, even you! So sweeten up! I'm sure if a scientist did an experiment about people being grumpy pants, they would find that no one likes a grumpy pants. That's scientific research right there! So put a smile on your face and a song in your heart! Sweeten up! 

5. Do you like those shoes? Buy them:
Let us not get out of hand with this tip! I don't want you to end up homeless with a fabulous shoe collection, but if you see a pair that speak to you--purchase them. I guarantee that while you are dating yourself, your date will ALWAYS notice your shoes! (You know why? Because you're dating yourself!...and you bought them....Are you getting this yet?)

6. Never pass up a time to be fabulous:
It is a well-known fact that when faced with a date with another human being many people spend some time looking nice for that person. So why not look nice for yourself? Spring dresses or casual bow ties too much for you on a daily basis? Then let's start with a shower! Take one! Your self-date doesn't want a Stinky Sammy. 

7: Museums, Zoos, and Movies! Oh My! 
That new exhibit at the Minneapolis Institute of Art calling your name? Go to it! 
Baby animals being born at a rapid rate at the Minnesota Zoo? Go to them!
Want to see the new "Jane Eyre" movie and have a good cry? Go to it!
There is absolutely no reason for one to miss out on the fabulousness of the city around them because they are a party of one! Go out into the world and see the things you love! The great part about this? Invite others to double date with you and yourself!

So why is dating yourself so important? Because new men come and go, but you are with yourself forever. Get to know you! You'll like them a lot! 

An Open Letter to...Stairmasters!

Dear Stairmasters,

You deceiving little monster, you! Yesterday I decided to "shake things up!" at the gymsicles. What a mistake that was! There I was, standing in front of you like an idiot! Why you gotta be so hard to understand, Stairmaster??

I came to you for a session of bum-bum toning and all you gave me was a session of looking stupid in front of all the other gym-goers at the Y. Here's what truly blows my mind, Stairmaster. I ALREADY MASTERED HOW TO WALK UP STAIRS! I went to a prep-school for gods sake! Do you think we even needed to be taught stair skills at a prep-school? No, we did not. We were such smarty-pants they just ASSUMED we could walk up stairs.

I have been graduated from said fancy school for many years now, is it possible I forgot how to walk up stairs? No, it is not. So here I am, in front of a Stairmaster in my early 20s baffled at it's functionality. Here's why you're so tricky, Stairmaster. YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY STAIRS! I came to you excepting something of a stationary escalator and all I got were two platforms that rapidly fell to the floor when I stepped upon them.

Stairmaster, let's make a compromise. I'll leave you alone and you actually do what you came to do...BE STATIONARY MECHANICAL STAIRS!

If you need me you can find me on the elliptical.



Sunday, March 6, 2011


Dear People Who Were ACTUALLY Raised By Wolves,

I'm really sorry about what we've been saying about you guys. Seriously, I'm really, really sorry. Please don't eat me, I said I was sorry. Put your fangs away, I'm apologizing for the world, you guys. 

I'm sure your wolf upbringing was really great, in fact--I KNOW it was a great. My mother certainly didn't teach me how to make a bed out of sticks, leaves, and the skin of a bear! That is really a life skill that you can take with you down the road. You've got a beautiful singing howl! Everyone in your choir thinks so. Your dad is really nice, a little bit of an attitude of "I'm so awesome 'cuz I'm a dude!!", but super nice. Your wolf family really prepared you for the world. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that everyone has spoken about you in such a negative way. I know it's not fair and I'm sure it makes you sad/hungry to eat people sometimes. I hope you can forgive the world and we can cut it out with this wolf hate-speech. 

Hey! Next time I'm having deer at my house for dinner, you should totes come over for a nibble! 



Saturday, March 5, 2011

Where's Lame-O????

"Where's Waldo?" books always chapped my hide as a young pup. I spent countless days, hours, and minutes of my youth searching high and low for a weird man dressed like a candy cane. Guess what....I rarely found him.

We were led to believe that Waldo was the "perfect man". For if he weren't perfect, why would we spend so much time looking for his stupid face?

 I looked high, I looked low. I looked for him in the ocean, I looked for him in the town square. I looked for him in Egypt, I looked for him in London. I was always looking for Mr. Waldo Perfect Pants! 

And then it would happen, there he was! I had finally found him! Hiding behind that monkey in the middle of the rainforest! There was Mr. Waldo Perfect Pants, himself! I had found him! Woo!! what? Do I just stare at him forever? The joy of finding him certainly couldn't last forever! I was forced to turn the page. Start a new journey with him. 

With each new page, I grew more and more frustrated. The more times I found Waldo and then awkwardly stared at him for an extended period of time, the more I realized how incredibly flawed this little man truly was. He was constantly on the run, couldn't make a commitment to me on any page, and wouldn't stop wearing that stupid-ass hat! Waldo wasn't perfect, he was just a lame dude with commitment issues and a bad wardrobe! 

When I look back at the books now, I'm far more interested in the characters that surround commitment-phobe Waldo. That handsome man selling fruit in the town square, or the man walking the 14 dogs through Paris. Waldo never brought me food, nor did he even suggest that he had an interest in animals! 

We spend our days searching for what we think the perfect man or lady is, combing through the crowds of gentlemen callers and adorable ladies, searching for that one person that we think is what we want and need! When we stop looking for that Mr/Mrs. Perfect Pants for just one second, we will stumble upon the ones who are actually the most perfect for us. The ones who's quirks are out in the open, the ones who aren't so insecure that they have to hide behind a fountain while you are putting yourself out there in the town square (in the completely non-prostitute way, of course!). And maybe, just maybe, if we're lucky enough...Mr. Perfect will be wearing an adorable hat!