Wednesday, August 18, 2010

An open letter to...CELINE DION PANDORA!

Thanks to the Apple store I have found a new passion. Pandora Radio...IN MY CAR!! Woaaaah!! The Jetta and I have spent many an afternoon bumpin' down the streets of the MPLS to Mika or Showtunes, but it wasn't until last week that my life was truly changed by in-car Pandora passion! On a whim, I decided to create a...wait for it....keep waiting....still more sec....CELINE DION STATION!!!!

I now write an open letter to....CELINE DION PANDORA!!

Dear Celine Dion Pandora Station,

You have changed my life. Before you, my whole life had been tainted by my tuning into one light-rock station to the next with the hopes of hearing Celine, Whitney, Mariah, and Ray Charles all in one station. The common radio station can not provide me with the joys you have given me. The passion in each tune, the high notes that I pretend I can hit, and the emotional lyrics make you fine listening materials.

I decided to photo document what 5 minutes with you is like, Celine Dion Pandora Station. You take me on such a journey of emotion.

Pure joy from the Celin-ticipation. 

Sing it, lady! I'm feeling it. I also feel ALIVE! Just like you, Celine! JUST LIKE YOU!

Uh-oh...looks like someone is starting to get emotional. Stand back, folks. It's about to get messy in here.

MY HEART WILL GO ON TOO, CELINE! How do you know me so well???

"Get ahold of yourself,'s just Celine Dion! You've got to simmer down..." Next song!

UMMM....Pandora: when I say Celine Dion...I don't mean PHIL effing Collins! NEXT!



I'm so happy right now...that's why I'm crying. It's from the joy of Whitney+Celine! I promise! I love them so much!




The Wrath of Gemini's Twin...

It's a Sunday morning. Your footy pajamas on. The morning sun shines through your windows. You are snuggled in with your Green Tea and open the Sunday newspaper. After pretending to read the International news, and feigning an interest in the Local come upon your horoscope! It tells you that you are going to have a 2-star day. Wait, things were going so well this morning! You are wearing your footy pj's, the green tea is making you feel alive! A 2-star day?!?! Do you believe it?

Astrology has always been inconvenient for me. I believe what I want to believe when it comes to my star readings. If it's proclaiming great things for me in my future, of course I'll hop on board the Crazy Starlight Express, but if it's bad...I decide to forgo my ticket on the Express and take a brisk walk into my future instead. Don't even get my started on astrological compatibilities with potential mates. Well got me I go.

(if you understand why i put this picture up...we are going to be friends forever)

I recently came across a dashing young lad who, on the first day we met, proclaimed we could never have a romantic future because I was a Gemini. Apparently because I was born on May 21, 1988...I am a toxic human being. It doesn't matter who I am as a PERSON, rather I am to be judged on the location of aligned stars the day I flew out of my Mother's hoo-ha!

This immediate judgment threw me for a loop. This young pup didn't even know me, yet he was able to spout his apparent theories on me right away. (I'll also note that despite his apparent "fear" of Geminis, this didn't stop him from his shameless hitting on me....just sayin'!) I digress...

I immediately looked up some qualities of the Gemini woman to see if I fit the are a few examples:

1. Gemini women are quick-witted and clever 
(This is true. I am, if I do say so myself...)

2. Gemini women have sharp, long noses. 
( I have a pug nose. It's round and short. Dear fail.)

3. Gemini Women experience extreme anxieties and worry. 
(Ok, this is VERY true. I am prone to anxiety attacks. You win, stars. Good job.)

4. Gemini women are romantic by nature, yet their interest in men can change at the drop of a hat. They are a creature of extremes, and move on VERY quickly. 
(Ok. This is extremely true. At the end of the day, I am a sap. I love RomComs, I love romantic gestures, I love the idea of Romance in general. BUT as soon as things don't go my way, or I decide I'm "Over it"...I move on. QUITE quickly! One minute I'm head-over-heels, next minute I'd like you to go away. Woops)

Alright, so these examples are endless. I fit the bill with some of them, but a lot of them are ridiculous and not me at all. When this recent young lad said we were incompatible because of my astrological sign (now that I write that down it sounds EVEN MORE ridiculous than it did when it came flying out of his mouth like verbal diarrhea), I couldn't help but wonder (thank you, Carrie Bradshaw) if I even factored into this equation at all, or did my birth date seal the deal for me? 

Are all women the same? No. Are all Gemini women the same? No. 

I have a friend who was in a long-term relationship with his boyfriend. They were in love. They lived together. They had cats together. They shared clothes. One day my friend fell in love with a woman. They live together now. They have cats together now. I'm sure they even share clothes. My point here? Things change depending on the human being standing in front of you. Yes, qualities of the Gemini woman seem to be consistent...depending on the day, but don't let your head get so lost in the stars that you fail to see the gorgeous young lady or dude or dudelady (long, sharp nose or not!) standing in front of you! 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An open letter to..Court Room Audience on Daytime Court Shows!


One quick question. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE????? SERIOUSLY!? Where did you come from? Whenever I tune into "Judge Joe Brown", or turn on a little People's Court, I can't help but wonder who the hell you people are!!

I have a friend who used to be a plant in the audience of "Deal, or No Deal". He would do a lot of big faces for them, make things very dramatic and exciting just by manipulating his face. He was a professional actor...the at-home audience could tell he wasn't really into the game. His over-enthusiastic clapping and "Ooooo girrrrrrrl!" rolls of the eyes didn't ring true to me as the viewer!  I can't say the same for you, Court Room Audience on Daytime Court Shows. You guys are really invested in these cases! From where do you draw such passion?

Are you being paid for your exceptional work? Or are you able to write this time off on your taxes since technically you are partaking in some sort of civil service? Aren't you? Is that even a correct term? I'm not sure. Needless to say, I respect you, yet I am perplexed by you. I dare say I am RePlexed by you, Court Room Audience on Daytime Court Shows.

I guess all I can say to you is...nice work...whoever you are! I don't know WHO you are, or WHY you do what you do...but I sure do love every minute of it!



Monday, August 16, 2010


And she's back!!! 

**Please accept my patented "Apology Face" as a small apology to you. I know you've been sad (just lie to me..once..just do it!)**

You guys, I can't believe I haven't blogged in almost a month. What the eff is wrong with me? 

I would like to say I've been building a school for stupid elephants in Africa during the last month. That isn't true. I would like to say I've been writing inspirational music for the Opening Ceremonies for the London Olympics, that is also not true. I would like to say I have been spending every waking hour meditating on world peace and practicing my Downward Dog...we all know that isn't true. 

There are multiple reasons I haven't been blogging (you will get a run down of those in future blogs), but the main reason is..I've been putting on skits around town. That's right. Skits. I've been pretending to do things on stage and people have been paying to see me do this. 

This leads to me to my latest open letter... An Open Letter to....COUPLES THAT COME TO THE THEATER!


Date night, eh? Presh. First I want share with you how pleased I am that you have chosen to come to the theater to see my play. guys! You aren't listening! You guys! Stop touching each other! Guys! WOAH! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PUTTING YOUR HANDS THERE IN PUBLIC??

Ok, couples...I have had ENOUGH! I totally get it! You're really into each other! Super. Good job. I'm glad you have found your soul mate, but why are you doing your naughty business DURING MY SHOW! This has not happened just once! No, in fact I have seen many of you couples out doing this nasty business all throughout the month of July and August! What don't you get about what is happening right now???

Even though you are seemingly amateur exhibitionists, I should not assume you know the logic of the theater. Let me give a little lesson. This wooden platform I'm standing on right now is called a stage. I stand on it and spout my lines from my face. I have a feeling you may be confusing this experience with a little thing we like to call a "MOVIE". Although the seats you are sitting in are very similar to those found in a movie theater, you are not in a movie theater. You are in an actual theater. I am real. I can see you from where I'm standing. Don't you dare think for a second that I can't see exactly what you are doing! Including the placement of your hand DOWN her floral skirt! I can see that, you guys! I'm right up here! You are lit! I saw your awkward approach, and I am bearing witness to the ridiculous aftermath that is your naughty behavior IN PUBLIC! 

This is making my uncomfortable. Like super way no ok uncomfortable. Please stop! And if you can't, you shouldn't me allowed out of the house. EVER!



ps- thanks for coming to my show! Hope you liked it! Tell your friends! Hopefully they have some social graces!