I'll Be Your Girl for All Seasons...I'm Sorry, Change of Plans--Only 2 Seasons!

As I attempted to brush the 8 feet of snow off of the Jetta on my way out the other night, it hit me like a snowball...WINTER IS HARD WORK. It had taken me about 20 minutes just to assemble my winter ensemble of gloves, hat, mittens over my gloves, 4 pairs of socks beneath my boots, before I was even ready to go out into the world, and as I sat in the Jetta waiting for it to heat up from "frigid" to "freezing", I couldn't help but wonder (Thank you, Carrie Bradshaw)--was it even worth it to go out tonight? Winter is such hard work, couldn't I just stay home and snuggle in my bed like a hibernating bear? But I was late for a very important date (not really), and I was going to get my butt out into the world...mittens and all!

Winter is a lot of work and you know what? So is dating. This makes DATING+WINTER=DISASTER. 

There's a reason they call it a "SPRING FLING", people! Let's break it down for a moment, shall we? 

In the springtime, the world is full of rainbows peaking through the blue sky, unicorns joyfully leaping across the world to bring young love together. and bunnies encouraging us to do it! Just do it! ......Go on a date! DO IT! :)

The world is a beautiful, hopeful place in the Spring. No one can say "No!" to a proposed date on a beautiful rooftop patio, or a walk hand and hand around a freshly mowed park. (Mmmmmm.....let's take a moment and remember the smells of freshly mowed grass.....mmmmmmm.) It all sounds so beautiful, no?

As Spring and Summer wind down, we realize--was I dating the man, or was I dating the beautiful weather?  Most of the time, you're dating the weather. Don't believe me? Go sit in a stuffy coffee shop with the same dude come December and see if you're so euphoric! Go on...do it! Just do it. Go on that date! Do it! :)

They say a true Minnesotan can weather a winter storm, so maybe it's not too far off to believe a true Minnesotan can find love in the snow too! Bundle up in your warm winter gear, and walk hand in hand in a freshly snowed-upon park. After all, a couple that bundles together...stays together. 

An Open Letter to...SEXTERS! AH!

Lock your phones and protect those all those with a weak stomach! 

We are all at risk! 

Are you a victim of...SEXTING??

Dear SEXTERS,

You know who you are. All of you. Please leave my innocent friends and I alone. Whitney Houston said it best when she proclaimed, "Crack is whack". Well I'm here to proclaim the same sentiment..."Sexting is WHACK!"

UrbanDictionary.com defines "sexting" as such: "The act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit". 

Tell me something, Sexter, what was it about ME that fits that definition? Because I'm pretty sure your "highly suggestive and even sexually explicit" words in that sext, make me want to vomit and laugh at the same time. Sexting me would assume that we are engaged in a relationship of some sort, when in reality we've only hung out a few times. Let's turn the tables for a moment, shall we? If I were to sext someone I had only hung out a few times with, I would wonder if perhaps they thought I was being a bit forward? Did this go through your mind? Or were you too busy trying to take a cellphone picture in your bathroom mirror. This "turned table situation" wouldn't happen though. Do you know why that is, Sexter? BECAUSE SEXTING IS WHACK! I know it. You know it. The American people know it.

One of you Sexters sent my best friend a picture that was neither casual, nor suggestive. In fact this picture was just plain GRAPHIC. A picture of your man bits saying "Look who wants to say hi!" is....how should I say this....umm...WHACK!

I think I can speak for most recipients of a Sext when I say, we appreciate your efforts, but if you wouldn't say that to my face, don't you DARE send it to my IPhone! Many a gentleman caller has accused me of not being a very good recipient of romance, but I can tell you that what you Sexters are sending to our phones is not romance...it's just WHACK!

And some advice, if the recipient of your sext responds with a "haha" or "awky turtle!" or even "wtf?".....you've misjudged the situation. Try again.

xo,

Me

That's a dealbreaker, ladies!!

There are some sure signs that a fellow is bad news bears. There are the obvious ones that we all know (ie: if he bites you at any point while knowing you...he should probs go away, etc...), but what about those little details we let slip by?? Well, I like to call those "Madde's Red Flags!". These "unique" details about a person that we turn a blind eye to because they may be cute, or funny, or breathing... but too many of those "Madde's Red Flags!" can be disaterous. I have taken the time to compile a list for you, dear readers, of some ABSOLUTELY TRUE "Madde's Red Flags!" from my life. Join me, won't you? I'm embarrassed for myself.

1.  If on the first day of knowing you he says: "HEY! It's YOU! I know YOU! I've done my research on you...your facebook page is super fun! That pink dress you wore is super cute" 

2. If he doesn't speak English, but you do. 

3. If he attempts to make out with you while you are watching Liza Minnelli on the T.V. Liza is sacred, keep your tongue to yourself. 

4. This is not a pick of line. I repeat, this is NOT a pick up line: "Do you want to go to my room and watch 'Teen Wolf' on VHS?"

5. If while walking down the street hand and hand: "So, I think I'm in love...her name is ______" If that blank spot does not contain your name, you should probs go home. 

6. If at anytime on a date the words "Close your eyes and open your mouth, it's a Jelly Belly tasting party!" are uttered. RUN! 

7.  If during dinner he has to go outside and check to see if someone has stolen his car, he's probs not the most balanced individual. 

8. The Darth Vader suit in his house is better dressed than he is. 

9. If you go over to his house for dinner and his cat violently attacks your leg, chances are the two of you (you + the kitten) are NOT going to be able to live harmoniously together. Do the cat a favor, and get gone! 

10. If he can tell me where he was when Kennedy was shot, he is probably too old for me. 

11. If he has a thing for Miley Cyrus, but can't name all of the Spice Girls, he is probably a child and shouldn't be asking you out on dates. 

....and finally...

12. If he has named his bong "Charlene", there is no hope. 

So there you have it! Some red flags...just in case you are ever wondering if he's loco or not. 

The Wrath of Gemini's Twin...

It's a Sunday morning. Your footy pajamas on. The morning sun shines through your windows. You are snuggled in with your Green Tea and open the Sunday newspaper. After pretending to read the International news, and feigning an interest in the Local section...you come upon your horoscope! It tells you that you are going to have a 2-star day. Wait, things were going so well this morning! You are wearing your footy pj's, the green tea is making you feel alive! A 2-star day?!?! Do you believe it?

Astrology has always been inconvenient for me. I believe what I want to believe when it comes to my star readings. If it's proclaiming great things for me in my future, of course I'll hop on board the Crazy Starlight Express, but if it's bad...I decide to forgo my ticket on the Express and take a brisk walk into my future instead. Don't even get my started on astrological compatibilities with potential mates. Well eff...you got me started...here I go.

(if you understand why i put this picture up...we are going to be friends forever)

I recently came across a dashing young lad who, on the first day we met, proclaimed we could never have a romantic future because I was a Gemini. Apparently because I was born on May 21, 1988...I am a toxic human being. It doesn't matter who I am as a PERSON, rather I am to be judged on the location of aligned stars the day I flew out of my Mother's hoo-ha!

This immediate judgment threw me for a loop. This young pup didn't even know me, yet he was able to spout his apparent theories on me right away. (I'll also note that despite his apparent "fear" of Geminis, this didn't stop him from his shameless hitting on me....just sayin'!) I digress...

I immediately looked up some qualities of the Gemini woman to see if I fit the bill...here are a few examples:

1. Gemini women are quick-witted and clever 

(This is true. I am, if I do say so myself...)

2. Gemini women have sharp, long noses. 

(Umm..no. I have a pug nose. It's round and short. Dear Stars...you fail.)

3. Gemini Women experience extreme anxieties and worry. 

(Ok, this is VERY true. I am prone to anxiety attacks. You win, stars. Good job.)

4. Gemini women are romantic by nature, yet their interest in men can change at the drop of a hat. They are a creature of extremes, and move on VERY quickly. 

(Ok. This is extremely true. At the end of the day, I am a sap. I love RomComs, I love romantic gestures, I love the idea of Romance in general. BUT as soon as things don't go my way, or I decide I'm "Over it"...I move on. QUITE quickly! One minute I'm head-over-heels, next minute I'd like you to go away. Woops)

Alright, so these examples are endless. I fit the bill with some of them, but a lot of them are ridiculous and not me at all. When this recent young lad said we were incompatible because of my astrological sign (now that I write that down it sounds EVEN MORE ridiculous than it did when it came flying out of his mouth like verbal diarrhea), I couldn't help but wonder (thank you, Carrie Bradshaw) if I even factored into this equation at all, or did my birth date seal the deal for me? 

Are all women the same? No. Are all Gemini women the same? No. 

I have a friend who was in a long-term relationship with his boyfriend. They were in love. They lived together. They had cats together. They shared clothes. One day my friend fell in love with a woman. They live together now. They have cats together now. I'm sure they even share clothes. My point here? Things change depending on the human being standing in front of you. Yes, qualities of the Gemini woman seem to be consistent...depending on the day, but don't let your head get so lost in the stars that you fail to see the gorgeous young lady or dude or dudelady (long, sharp nose or not!) standing in front of you!