Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Magic of the MistleWOAH

"Should I use my elf tongue?"

Well, well, well--look who it is. 
Hello there, Christmas!

That's right, our beloved Christmastime is upon us. As I sit and write this blog, I can't help but gaze out the window at the falling snow. While sipping my berry tea and listening to lil' Johnny Mathis serenade me with some "White Christmas," I think---Gosh darnit, I love Christmastime. No matter your religion, your beliefs, your bank account, Christmas is a time of hope, giving, hugs, giving of hugs, endless cookie consumption, and of course, a time for love, love, love. And this season, like many of you, I'm sure, you can find me at all Christmas parties, patiently waiting underneath the mistletoe.

What is it about Christmas and love? For me, it always seems to go hand and hand. No Christmas is complete without the little hope that perhaps this is the year Santa will leave me a handsome, funny, kind, patient, and emotionally-stable human man creature underneath my tree. You know, right next to my "My Little Pony" box set and novelty days of the week underwear. And every year--no box set, no undies, no human man creature. I comfort myself by saying, "Santa couldn't get him down the chimney. He's probably up on the roof pining for me. I love that about him."

Perhaps those of us in cold climates simply want another warm body to place itself upon us and provide us the heat we so rightfully deserve, but I'm pretty sure people in all climates look for love this time of year. I believe it is what I shall call the " 'Love Actually' Complex." The idea that any of us could find love under the glow of Christmas candles from the street windows and snag ourselves a Hugh Grant-level handsome Prime Minister of England. Why? Because it's Christmas--- and those things happen at Christmas. We believe that the magic of Christmas will put love magic into our hearts and bring us sledding right into each other's arms. 

In a crazy twist of doomed fate, I fell in love last Christmas. Real love. Head over heels, "Oh my god! I can't focus on trimming this tree!", "This is what Mariah Carey Christmas albums are talking about!!" kind of love. Truth be told I had fallen in love with him years before, but surely it was the magic of Christmas that brought us together. Holding mittens, jingling bells in an adorable manner with promise that the other one won't get mad for overzealous jingling, sipping cocoa, excitedly wrapping his specially ordered Batman footie pajamas, but one thing never happened last Christmas when I gave him my heart---we never kissed underneath the mistletoe. I blame THIS for our demise. 

According to the very reliable Wikipedia, the tradition of mistletoe dates back to the ancient Babylonian-Assyrian Empire. While women back in the Baby-Ass Empsicorns would stand patiently underneath the mistletoe outside the temples of the goddesses of beauty and love, the modern woman can be found underneath plastic mistletoe at an office party, clutching room temperature egg nog, and wondering why her Spanks seem to have teeth and are eating away at her belly fat. Back in the Baby-Ass Empsicorns, a kiss underneath the mistletoe ensured that the woman would be filled fertility and was betrothed to the man forever.  Either way, ladies and dude ladies continue to wait for that magical Christmas smooch-a-roo, with hopes that it means FOREVER.

So this Christmas requires a change. Everyone get ready to stand under that mistletoe and have your Christmas game faces on because this Christmas we will all find love. We have to. We must. Santa has let us down too many times, it is up to us now. Allow me to share some of my...

  • DO stand under the mistletoe with an inviting smile on your face. 
  • DON'T look like a crazy person freshly off a Christmas bender.
  • DO make sure you have an Altoid tin handy. Holiday cased meats can make for an unsavory kissing mouth igloo environment. 
  • DO giggle coyly when you notice "Oh gosh--looks like we are underneath the mistletoe. I don't know what we should do...(giggle giggle)"
  • DON'T say the above line if you are gonna be super awkward about it. 
  • DO let the magic of Christmas overcome you underneath the mistletoe. 
  • DON'T carry your mistletoe around with you on a stick and wave it around in crowds. 
  • DON'T make a sign and place it on your chest that says, "I'm single. Let's do this. Jingle Jingle, bitches."
  • DON'T YOU DARE ask your poor kissing partner to marry you after a drunken mistletoe debacle that one of you thinks is funny and the other one thinks is love. It's not love. I'm almost positive it won't be. Unless it is, in which case--mazel! But unless it is that magical Christmas moment of true mistletoe magic love--don't be a fucking crazy person about it. 


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