Friday, December 20, 2013

Pepe Le Pew School for the Smooches

Christmas is usually a time of charitable giving. My recent transition to New York City has left me with cash that can only be used for $1 pizza and rent. In an effort to be more charitable and give back to the community this season, I decided to offer my heart and time by doing some volunteer work. Finding a volunteer position that would accentuate my unique skills proved to be a challenge. I surely would burn my hands on chowder at the soup kitchens. I've WebMd'd myself enough to know that I'm probably susceptible to carpel tunnel, so bell ringing for the Salvation Army is out. (Also, they hate gay people and they can go Fa-la-la-la themselves.) So what did I decide to do??

This Christmas I have clocked a lot of volunteer hours...

Kissing boys who kind of don't deserve kisses because they don't kinda know how to give kisses, so I've been kissing them in hopes that they kinda learn how to give kisses to other girls who actually kinda like them a lot more than I kinda like them...ya know? But I'm super nice about it because I'm doing charity work and that's nice of me. I'm not mean. I promise. It sounds like I'm super mean, but I'm not. It's charity. I'm writing it off on my taxes. I'm super nice. Stop judging me. Kisses. 

I've yet to finish my Christmas shopping because I've been changing lives around the country one kiss at a time. I don't want to brag, but if Santa were bringing kisses around the world on Christmas night, he would be as exhausted as I am right now. No disrespect to Santa for what he does, but honestly---he has no idea what hard work my Christmas charitable acts have been. Thanks for making Jack-In-The-Boxes, KrissyKring-sicorns, but we all have had to work this Christmas. I don't get cookies, I get chapped lips and a sense of sadness and empathy that can't be cured by extra calories. 

I'm sure my efforts have already inspired you to do your own charitable kissy-faced acts, so allow me to  answer some of your burning questions. 

Q: How can you tell a charitable-worthy tragic kisser from a kissy face champion? 

A: It is with greatest sadness that I inform you--you can't. Unfortunately you must wander the world in search of those in need. If you kiss them, you will know. 

Q: Someone has approached me with fish lips, what do I do?

GO (far away from the) FISH!

A: Great question. Firstly, I want you to know that you are safe. You are not about to kiss a fish, you are about to kiss a human (I hope. It might be a fish, check for gills). Tell the fish-human that they are not a fish. Avoid water. Just give a simple kiss. Also, wear a life vest. 

Q: My kissing charity case comes at me with a lot of open eye action. What do I do?

A: Open eye kissers come from a place of fear that they will miss all of beauty if they close their eyes. Carry a blind fold with you at all times. Put it on open eye kissers and don't give them a choice about it. It creeps us all out to be watched during kissy times, but they are not in a place to hear it right now. 

Q: They make their lips look like a butthole. Help. 

A: Understandably, many people think this is a butt face move. My work with this population has expanded my knowledge on this particular move. Kissers who use (what is known on the street as) "butt hole mouth,"  were usually trained in the school of Pepe Le Pew School for the Smooches. 
Without continued education, most kissers will only know what they learned in PLPSS. Direct them to the University of Phoenix. There they will find many resources, such as the opportunity to major in "Kissing Normal". 

Q: Someone bit my nostril. I let it happen. Is this ok?

A: It's certainly not appropriate, but quite normal. Gently take their teeth off your nose-hole and tell them in no way, shape, or form is this sanitary or sexy. Use your new nose hole to put in a fun nose piercing. 

So I shall leave you with this, charitable kissing humans. 
Kissing is fun. Kissing is great. 
But with kisses, comes great kiss responsibility. 
Kisses can be tragic. Kisses can be awkward. 
Don't let it happen to you. 
If you stumble upon someone who needs some kiss help, 
just say it. 
No one wants their face licked, nostril bitten, or lip sucked off their face forever. 
They will thank you in the end. 
Plus, who doesn't love kisses! 

Now go out there and kiss a friend! 

Bring Chapstick!


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