(The Little Drummer Boy being The Little Drumming A-Hole in some flick)
Dear The Little Drummer Boy,
SHHH!!! There's a baby sleeping, you moron! I don't know if you were aware of this, but the kid that was just born in that barn over there--is sort of a big deal. He doesn't need some rebellious pre-teen banging on the sheep skin drum he just got for his birthday! He actually would prefer some quiet so that he could reflect on dying for your stupid ass sins in 30 or so years. Got it? Get it? Good.
Regardless of the social status of said baby, let's talk about the fact that someone gave you a drum in the first place. You're not fit to be PA-RUM-PU-PUM-PUMing all around town...that's evident by your behavior tonight. Hand over the drum and take up some soft-shoe jazz dance, this would allow you to get out some of that excess energy IN SILENCE!
Good luck, kid.
Merry Christmas. (You'll figure out what that means in 30 or so years)
Continuing in the spirit of Open Christmas Letters, today I present to you an Open Christmas Letter to....
"BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!"
(Tom Jones and Cerys Matthew's make me uncomfy as they sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside". Please watch for their awkward dance break at 1:40. Yikes)
Dear THE TEAM INSISTING THAT IT'S COLD OUTSIDE,
I'd like to talk to each of you individually, if that's alright? I'm sure that will be just fine, since this date is not going well. Cold Dude, meet me in the den by the fire place. Cold Lady, go grab your stuff. I'm giving you a ride home so that your Father will stop pacing the floor.
Cold Dude, what up with you? No means NO! It doesn't mean "Maybe I'll give her a half a drink more, get her wasted, and then she has to sleep over...in the nude!" It means NO! We have pitter-pattered about for over 3 minutes while this poor, polite, dim-witted gal attempts to let you down easy. She's just not that into you.
I don't mean to put you down. You've really put a great date together. A girl would be lucky to have you. You're so complimentary, this wine is great, the fire is really lovely, but she's just not that into you. If your buddies ask why you didn't seal the deal tonight, you don't have to say that she left because she wasn't into you, simply say it was too cold and she had some family emergency. Ok. Great. Have a good night.
Cold Lady, what up with you? You knew coming to his house for the first date would make things complicated. You're letting him down easy, I respect that, but you should just say NO...it's not that hard. I hate to say it, but here's bound to be talk tomorrow either way. You live with your family and as soon as you get home tonight they are going to look you up and down like a hussy. Your sister won't be suspicious because your Aunt not only has a vicious mind, but a nasty, gossipy mouth..and she just proclaimed to your whole family that she thinks you're a slut. That's what you get for staying so late at this date! Next time...meet at a coffee shop. Just sayin'!
