Saturday, December 4, 2010

An Open Christmas Letter to...BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!

Continuing in the spirit of Open Christmas Letters, today I present to you an Open Christmas Letter to....

(Tom Jones and Cerys Matthew's make me uncomfy as they sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside". Please watch for their awkward dance break at 1:40. Yikes)


I'd like to talk to each of you individually, if that's alright? I'm sure that will be just fine, since this date is not going well. Cold Dude, meet me in the den by the fire place. Cold Lady, go grab your stuff. I'm giving you a ride home so that your Father will stop pacing the floor.

Cold Dude, what up with you? No means NO! It doesn't mean "Maybe I'll give her a half a drink more, get her wasted, and then she has to sleep the nude!" It means NO! We have pitter-pattered about for over 3 minutes while this poor, polite, dim-witted gal attempts to let you down easy. She's just not that into you.

I don't mean to put you down. You've really put a great date together. A girl would be lucky to have you. You're so complimentary, this wine is great, the fire is really lovely, but she's just not that into you. If your buddies ask why you didn't seal the deal tonight, you don't have to say that she left because she wasn't into you, simply say it was too cold and she had some family emergency. Ok. Great. Have a good night.

Cold Lady, what up with you? You knew coming to his house for the first date would make things complicated. You're letting him down easy, I respect that, but you should just say's not that hard. I hate to say it, but here's bound to be talk tomorrow either way. You live with your family and as soon as you get home tonight they are going to look you up and down like a hussy. Your sister won't be suspicious because your Aunt not only has a vicious mind, but a nasty, gossipy mouth..and she just proclaimed to your whole family that she thinks you're a slut. That's what you get for staying so late at this date! Next at a coffee shop. Just sayin'!

Alright kids, you two have fun. And wear a coat.

Merry Christmas!



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