As massive crowds invade my space today on the blessed holiday of Grand Ol' Day, I am getting the incredible urge to shout my opinions from my balcony. Instead of doing this, I offer you AN OPEN LETTER TO....THE BUFFOONS AT GRAND OLD DAY 2010!
DEAR THE BUFFOONS AT GRAND OLD DAY 2010!
Welcome to the neighborhood. Most of you aren't from around here, I assume. As you frolic down the Avenue I'm struck with the variety of you that have come out of your little holes in the 'burbs, and made your way to St. Paul. Truly and genuinely...I welcome you. May I take this time to address of a few of you with some of my kind observations? Thank you. You are very kind. Let me start with you PARENTS.
Hey, Parents. Bet you thought today was a really great day for family fun? I know your fears of the little ones getting lost....but may I ask....
WHY IS YOUR CHILD ON A LEASH?????????
I'm only going to say this once, parents. That is so demeaning to your child. Had you popped out a litter of puppies 2 years ago from your lady bits, I would understand your purchase of a leash. Alas, you popped out a baby...not a puppy. A BABY! Remove that child from the leash, open your eyes, and be a parent. If you don't think you can handle it, maybe this street fair isn't for you until the little tyke can wander on it's own.
2. MEN WITH CRAZY BEARDS:
Anyone who has read the blog before knows that my stomach turns at the topic of men with long beards. I can only assume, Men with Crazy Beards, that you are not avid readers of the blog. Let me ask you this...where have you been all year? Why is it that you only appear at block parties and State Fairs? I don't see you around the Holidays. I certainly don't see you at Church. Where are you hiding? Aren't you hot underneath there? Just a little?
3. MILEY CYRUS WANNABES:
G.O.Day is a perfect day for you because you just got out of school for the summer and you're feeling feisty. Your parents haven't set any rules for you for the summer yet because you have yet to get in trouble...until today. Clearly you're drunk (I've been there and done that, kids..and that water bottle is full of vodka..not H20. You're not fooling anyone). You have covered your bodies in temporary tattoos that were tossed out at the parade. And you are prancing around hitting on men 20 years older than you, in hopes that they will sneak you into the beer garden. They won't. Go home and drink some water.
4. People that "forgot" to bring sunscreen:
When you wear only this:
...and this is out:
...this will happen:
It's simple math. Either learn how to apply sunscreen, or wear this...
(with a sun hat, of course).
5. All Dogs:
You shouldn't have to walk around dressed like that all day. I'm sorry. I bet you're hot. Go lap up a melted slushie off the street.
6. People in Crazy, inappropriate outfits:
Ladies, I commend you for the balls that you strapped on to wear that outfit to a quaint neighborhood street festival, but may I ask..WHY? Those shorts? They are not shorts..they are a piece of fabric you wrapped around your hoo-ha. That tube top? Wouldn't be my first choice today. And those heels...where do I even begin? From one shoe-whore to another..I love me some sky-high heel situations, but were you aware of the walking you were doing today? We all know you are lying mid-day when we ask how you are doing and if your feet hurt and you say..."oh no, I live in heels"...ya..but usually you are sitting down. Carry on, sister-friend. Dump that blood out of your shoes at the end of the day.
Gentlemen, don't think I forgot you.
There will NEVER be a time for you to wear short-shorts. NEVER. It is mind-boggling to me that you would even own these, let alone whip them out on a Sunday, THE LORD'S DAY! The addition of the shoes and socks, tiny back pack, and absurd hat to the ensemble makes this outfit even more alarming. I just...I'm not sure..I..umm...I'm sorry. I can't even form words.
So there you have it folks of Grand Ol' Day. I'm sure I'll see you at the Minnesota State Fair in a few short months. I hope you take these words to heart, and consider changing your ways. I'll see you there.