1. Dear Tween Cheerleaders at the Mall to perform in a rotunda,
Tweens, let me be frank. You are dressed inappropriately, you've got enough glitter on to homo-fy a small country, and you are obnoxious. I wish I could pretend to support you, but I can't. A cheer leading competition in the middle of a mall?... is moronic.
Tweens, let me get real with you again. Do you mind? Didn't think so..When I am walking through the mall on my way to the Apple store, I ask one thing of you. Please move your spandex-clad behinds from the middle of the walkway. It is not necessary for you to be sitting in the middle of my walking space, while one of your mothers' screams at you from the 2nd level..trying to get the right picture of you guys sitting casually on the floor of the Mall holding hands in a friendship circle.
Thanks Tweens! Ra Ra Ra!
2. Dear Elderly,
Mall walking is for weekday mornings, not Saturday afternoons. Please take your pedometers and power-walk home. I worry for your safety on Saturdays. Don't you see those crazy tweens with pom-poms?
3. Dear Awkward Young Couples,
A.Y.C's, I'm going to get real with you guys too. I appreciate your love. I do. Congrats. You're in love, but unfortunately...you've become awkward and socially inappropriate. Some tips from me to you! Walking becomes difficult when you stick your hands into each others back pockets. I understand those pockets are huge because those pants are circa 1998, but I don't agree with this practice. It's dangerous, it's clearly not easy for you to walk through the mall, and I pukey a little in my mouthy when I see the hands moving.
My next tip comes from the inspiration I found while watching you purchase items at the mall. Young man in the A.Y.C relationship..buying her a new cherry-shaped belly button dangly ring from the mall kiosk.. is not romance. I repeat..NOT ROMANCE. In fact, it is bizarre. Young lady in the A.Y.C relationship, wearing that belly shirt to reveal your brand new cherry-shaped belly button dangly ring is not attractive. I repeat..NOT ATTRACTIVE. You are just egging him on and making things worse.
Way to be in love kids! Keep it classy!
Just a few letters to the PEOPLE THAT HANG OUT AT THE MALL ON A SATURDAY!!