So, here we are. Feelin’ good in Twenty-Ten! Feelin’ fine and drinkin’ wine! Feelin’ swell and goin’ to Hell! Feelin’ groovy……drinkin’ a smoothie. Don’t we feel great? No? What? Anyone? Shoot a pickle. That’s what I thought. Me too.
So…ya… that ball dropped. What ball? That big ball in Times Square. The one right above J.Lo’s unfortunate brown body suit with sparkles. So, I guess it’s 2010. Ugh. Now what? Le sigh.
With this new decade upon us, it is only natural for all of us to do some serious self-reflection. Perhaps your goals for this new decade are generic.. Is it to lose weight? Ya, I thought it might be. I’m going to throw this out there and say that you are a boring person. Snap judgment (I know!), but I’m feelin’ pretty good about this assumption. Pretty sure you’re boring. Not hating on it. Just callin’ it like I see it. Anywhos, maybe you’re a fun human being and you’re going out on a limb this year and your goal is to buy one of those charming, novelty teacup pigglets that all them Hollywood stars have (Yes, I’m talking to you Paris Hilton and Posh Spice!)? But it’s inevitable, as the New Year rings in every year we all have our own generic and seemingly shiny, new resolutions. We have such high hopes for ourselves. Many people make lists and lists of great things they will adhere to! It’s so hopeful!
…And then the morning of January 1st comes. Many people wake up on this fateful morning in homes and underwear they do not recognize . In the dizzy haze of the morning all those shiny resolutions and self-esteem building goals seem so obsolete and frivolous, don’t they? “I wanted to lose weight? Eff that! I need an omelette and some advil!” or “A tiny teacup pigglet? Add some bacon to that effing omelette!” And in a flash our goals are gone! Sent off to a magical universe that, like a New Year’s Eve Brigadoon, will reappear to us in 365 days, making us blissfully unaware of our previous failures, and sending us into a tailspin yet again.
What about me, you ask? Well, the morning of January 1st I actually did NOT wake up in a home I didn’t recognize. In fact, I was at my best friend’s home, and woke up spooning her creepy Cabbage Patch Kid doll that I have asked her to throw away many, many times. And my underwear, you ask? Same ones I wore the night before. Don’t worry, I had fun the night before. It was a good night actually. Although, I didn’t partake in the celebratory “let’s drink the whole bottle of tequila as fast as we can so that we can all pass out… and then punch in each other in the faces when we wake up drunk in the middle of the night…and then we are sick, oh we are so sick, oh gosh..I’m going to be sick..it’s not even midnight and here I am! Sick! Ugh. Bedtime. I feel sick” debacle that is usually New Year’s Eve with the under 27 year olds these days. In fact, I woke up hopeful this year. Hopeful that this new decade was going to bring great things for me! The date is January 9th today, I’m still inclined to believe that things are going to go just swell!
To start this new blog thingy, as you might have guessed, can found on MY New Year’s resolution list this year. The rest of my goals for the year? Oh, you’ll just have to wait and find them out. I can tell you that some of them may involve wacky dates with the opposite sex, trying to figure out what being “a real actor” means, making poop jokes, speaking a foreign language you’d hear at the Eiffel Tower, and spending time with my new boyfriend, Wii Fit (you might be saying to yourself..”Spending time with Wii Fit? That’s losing weight, madam..and that, according to you just a few paragraphs before this one, would make you BORING and GENERIC!” Well, my response to you is “Eff off. I’m awesome. When you get a WiiFit and your little avatar lady is wearing spandex pants and blue eye shadow..GET BACK TO ME!”)
So. Join me. Sometimes I make funnies.