Wednesday, January 13, 2010

...on your DiscoStick

I don’t date.

It’s just not something I do.

Perhaps it frightens me. Perhaps it makes me nervy. Or, perhaps there are no eligible young men my age that are appealing to me?

Whatever the reason, I have been given a challenge to actually strap on a pair of woman parts and date in 2010. (Don’t worry, I have woman was a metaphor..I promise).

My dating history is short. Why? Because I don’t date. I grew up with a lot of “serial daters” in my life. Best friends who spent mere seconds finding a man, dumping him, recovering from the disaster, and then finding a new relationship with eligible young bachelors. I found those patterns exhausting. Were we in a race? I’ve never been competitive, so this timeline is really not going to work out for me. Their weekends spent in their basements canoodling and fondling under a blanket while watching Eminem’s classic flick “8 Mile,” were spent by yours truly, belting out a show tune or two, or finding an awesome swing set to swing on in the middle of the night with my peeps. I found fun in my own ways!

So here I am. 2010. Men10. A couple of rules for myself are in order.

#1. Gay Bar Probation: I love a good gay bar with my gay boyfriends. I’ll admit it. They are fun. Sparkly (sometimes sticky). I always get my cocktails first because I wear a lot of animal prints,and my petite stature and sassy attitude make for great entertainment. What’s not to love? The music is poppin’, there is no fear of being raped on the dance floor, and they play showtunes on Sundays. SHOWTUNES! So, why would I willingly leave this haven for a while? Because of this…I would say about 9 times out of 10, the men at the gay bars are…well…umm….let’s see… should I put this…hmmmm…well, they are homosexuals. Google defines a “homosexual” as “someone who practices homosexuality”…This means..well… should I put this..well…simply put, it means they don’t like my girly parts. So no more gay bars until I go on at least 3 good dates with men who do not practice homosexuality. I think that’s being fair!

#2. Never Lose Your Fabulous Nature: I will not dumb myself down to make myself more appealing. I’m fabulous. No one can take that away from me. If I could insure my fabulousity like Mariah insured her legs, or J.LO insured her ass..I would.

#3. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes…and Pig-like men prefer hussies. I am no “hussy”.

#4. Please check your baggage at the door: I am a very busy young woman. I do not have time for you to read me that one-act play you wrote in high school about your struggles with your sexuality. I appreciate your struggles, I appreciate your ability to type…but I can’t go there. Please see #1 if you have any questions on that and need further explanation.

#5. Bring back the joys of old-fashioned dates: I want a gentleman who will take me out on a real date. I’m a working woman, he doesn’t have to pay for the whole thing, but try to at least notice I brushed my hair for you. I will enjoy the dates and not be awkward. I promise this to myself.

So, there are some rules for MEN10. Let the games begin.


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