Monday, May 3, 2010

An open letter to the....PEOPLE GOING TO GARAGE SALES

Dear People Going to Garage Sales,

I know it was you who took my parking spot in front of my house. I know it was you that plucked the tulip from my lawn. I'm assuming it was you who came in and opened my window in my bedroom last night, too...That might have been me, but I'm going to blame you for making me cold this morning.

Garage sale fans, chill the eff out. Just because you are taking your Saturday morning and searchin' for a deal, does not make me required to tolerate your stanky face in my 'hood. Listen, I get it. I get you are on the prowl for children's books from the 90s, or an end table with a lion on top and a missing leg on the back right hand side, but why did you take my parking spot? Why?? Please explain yourself. There are parking spots on the main road..why are you in my road? I should not be required to park around the block on my tiny little street! You have put me out, garage salers.

Here's another thing that gets me down. Stop with the gawking. My house is my house. Does it require you to stand at the gate and point for hours on end while I sit on the stoop chatting on my telephone. I'm trying to have a private conversation over here on my public stoop. You see, if I weren't'd still be standing and pointing, but the thing is..I'm still there. With you standing there, it makes the poop story I am telling to my friend on the phone VERY inappropriate. Basically you are passing judgement on me by standing there. Is that fair to do to me at my home? No. I mean, you already took my parking spot!

Garage salers. Please take your 99 cent flip flops and go back to the suburbs.



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