Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tune into the SUBTLE AWARDS...for some awkward.

If there were an awards ceremony called "The Subtle Awards"....I'm pretty sure I'd get all gussied up, walk the red carpet in a dress with so much sparkle and leopard print on it, have a diva moment and throw my drink at someone, and then lose in the category of "Subtle Behavior in Front of the Opposite Sex"....for the 22nd year in a row. Wahh Wahh. Basically I'm the Susan Lucci of the Subtle Awards. Maybe next year!

You see, my natural impatience prevents me from keeping anything subtle. So my solution? Just don't do anything at all to show that I'm interested. My impatience mixed with my...unique..sense of communication make a perfect awkward pie of a lady. Her name is Me, I mean...Madde. Her name is Madde..that's me. 

My road to the Subtles started way back in the day.  I have this theory that high school dances screw young girls up for life. Let me give you an example: My single-sex education required me to ask a boy to a the Winter Dance my sophomore year. After much brooding I decided upon a young bloke who was clearly the "bad boy" of his class.  (I really know how to pick 'em!) Let me explain him: He wore a lot of tye-dye in his free time and referred to himself as an "entrepreneur". He also carried wads of cash with him, and tiny little pieces of paper that he would fill with..well...you get my drift...(who knows! perhaps he liked paper mache) We didn't know each other very well. so I decided he would be the perfect fit for my date. The night came when I was to call him up and ask him. The phone rang and rang. He answered. I wanted to vomit. 

Me:"Hi. It's Madde. You know. The one that goes to the school next door."
Him: "Oh ya, man....sure..what up.."
Me: "Umm...so I'm wondering if you want to go to Winter Dance with me or whatever.."
Him: "Umm...sure, I guess so..when"
Me: "Next Saturday?"
Him: "Wow. Short notice. Sure, I guess I can make it."
Me: "Great. You were pretty much my last resort..so..ya...fun."
Him: "Wow. Thanks."
......awkward pause.....
Me: "Ya...umm...so...uh...ya..next Saturday..I gotta go...there's something on fire in my house. Bye."

Hang up.

Yes, you read that correctly...I told him something was on fire AND that he was my last resort. I really knew how to charm 'em back then. I think high school dances gave me a complex. (Especially that one...he ended up being a d-bag and smelling of smoke all evening... whatevs.) A complex that I'm trying to shake off like a piddle with no paper. (gross.)

So cut to my life today. I now have no qualms about asking boys out on dates and I wow 'em with my bizarre behavior and tactics. The first part isn't so bad..the second part...woah..What the eff, self? What.The.Eff?

Let's talk about my subtle behaviors on dates. Umm..ok..They don't exist. When I go out on a date with someone I really like...all logic goes out of my head. I suddenly lose the ability to do anything but be myself. GASP! And myself is too adorable for it's own good (ya, I said it..I love me..get over it). I just figure..well..he'll see my adorable and just fall in love with it...he'll love it so much that he will jump over hurdles to make a move on me because I'm basically like a puppy in a collar for the first time..wiggly..and then I pee on myself..I mean, what?

A friend of mine recently told me that if I really wanted to get the boy of my dreams I was going to have to make the first move sometime because my behavior on dates gives them no indication that I want to date them. I reflected on this..Umm.. I can't do that. I literally CAN NOT DO THAT. You know why? That requires me to be coy, demure, and precious like a delicate flower. Qualities I don't seem to have when out with the opposite gender. A first kiss with a crush requires me to stand still and shut my face for a second...I'm a mover and a shaker...and an over-talker. Here's the great thing about this though (what?? there's something great about this?? Yes. There is. Calm down and listen)..I used to think I was the only one with this disability, but I'm finding more and more that there are many other 20-somethings like me out there in the world. They just don't have a blog where they air their personal dirty laundry :) I do. (wimps)

So how am I fixing this? I gots to work on the subtles. Here's the thing...I'm a lovable chick. I'm a chick who loves. I'm just not a chick who knows how to express it in the normal "Look how I can turn into a perfect little lady, who is perfect for you" way..Does that make sense? So many of my friends turn into aliens when they are around the person they like. It's their version of "sexy"...it's nauseating. I gotta find the subtles that work for me. Madde Subtles. No longer will I be the Susan Lucci of the Subtle Awards. I'm beating those bitches next year! And if I don't...I won't waste my drink by throwing it...I'll drink it and continue being fabulous me. 

1 comment:

  1. love it, love any reference to the convent.