Thursday, March 25, 2010

Heartbreaker? Or Rule breaker?

An incriminating and concerning document was recently discovered with MY name on it. After countless hours of examination, my 5th Grade gym teacher may have hit the nail on the head of Madde.

Please turn your attention to Exhibit A:

(For those of you who use "cheaters" to read..let me save you the eye exercise and spell out the comment for you. It says "Madde doesn't see the value in exercise or fitness-not very inspired to work in PE-- C- ". Above that are many "P's"-Partially Meets Expectations. Clearly, I was an excellent student in 5th Grade.)

This concerning piece of paper proved one thing to me: I have never played by the rules of the game. It's just not my style. You see, in sports and P.E I was more of a "free-spirit"--if you will... a wild horse that was being scolded (and given C-'s!) for running freely and to my own gallop beat. Had they offered ribbon dancing, I surely would have seen the value in fitness...that stuff is inspirational! How convenient that they never mention my choreography routine that I taught my class to the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart"..where's that? Huh? Where's the recognition for those moves? They burned calories too! I was motivated to do that! How is THAT not fitness? Give me some room to work here, porky Catholic School gym teacher!

Alas, this lack of interest in "the rules" has seeped into my adult dating life (whether I like it or not). I should be elegant on a date. I should remember to sit with my legs closed, so my lady bits aren't flying freely in the wind. I should respect his man-hood and not make fun of him constantly. I should follow "the rules". I should do all of these things, and I try to..but I don't always remember, and most of the's really not convenient for me. My grandmother once told me I could do myself a favor if I were to go on a date and just keep my goddamn mouth shut! I've tried just doesn't work out for me. I could talk to wall. I can't help what comes out of my mouth! That's my date version of "free-formin' it!".

My thesis: Rules get in the way of logic. Take for example how "the rules" took me down to Awkwardville, USA recently. Rules would tell us that if he has asked me to hang out, pays for drinks, calls me adorable, and says he likes hanging out with me... that this means he likes me. You have outdated rules, person who agreed with those statements! You should be ashamed. People, these rules have not met the men of 2010! Men of 2010 aren't as simple as blueberry pie, they require a handbook, and this handbook is only written in the language of DUDE! Unless one is a skilled and scholarly lady, there's no crackin' this code! You see, with an outdated Rule Book, ladies, such as myself, will assume that this means that the bachelor in question might dig them. One bold move on her part to move this burgeoning relationship forward and BAM! She's down. She has been hit with the awkward stick. He's not into it. She thinks she has gone LOCO! How could she have gotten it so wrong? She read all the signs? She followed the flow chart in the rule book! Rules told her that he was into her, but LOGIC would have told her that he might not be looking for a relationship that amounts to anything more than friendship.

True, I'm not a rule player, but I do like feeling like a sane and capable young woman. Sanity surely trumps rules, for me. The problem? I'm a girl. I can't help it. Our girlfriends tell us he's into us, our gay boyfriends tell us that they've heard that straight guys mate like that must mean he wants to tap that, our grandmothers tell us "Don't eff this up! Keep your mouth shut and look pretty"..but you know what? none of them are there on the date with you..(I hope).

So what do we do if we don't own the translated version (from Dude language to Lady language) of the "Rule Book"..yes, we can order it from Barnes and Noble and wait for a shipment of the books to come in from Mars in 3-6 months, OR we can use our common sense and logic! As a girl, if I read a situation wrong with a guy and think he's into me and he turns out not to be for whatever reason, I pretty much beat myself up about it for about a week. How could I get this so wrong? I didn't play that move correctly with him! You know what? It's not a chess game! He's a human! I'm a human! We aren't going on all of our dates on a checkered board! We don't have felt on our bottoms! Let's use our common sense. No rules will tell us whether he's into us, HE'LL tell us if he's into us. Our intuition will tell us if he's into us. "I'll know by the 3rd date if he likes me." No you won't. He's not your period, he's not on a guaranteed schedule. (Woah. Sorry. Gross..follow this rule, though: don't talk about that time of month on a's gross..class it up, ladies!)

I never played by the rules in 5th grade, and I'm not going to start now. In 5th grade I could have used my logic though. Don't get a C- in gym, Madde.. that's supposed to be the easy A class. Don't be an ass. So now, I'm using my logic. No more rules or equations about men. He's a man, or a man-baby..not an equation. I'm not going to feel like a crazy lady anymore..time to let my logic take the wheel.

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