Well folks, today I celebrated my last day as a receptionist (for 2010, at least). As a receptionist you meet some of the most concerning people on the planet. I thought I would mark this momentous occasion with some advice for some of the ones I'm most concerned about. That brings me to today's open letter to....CRAZIES THAT I ENCOUNTERED AT MY PART-TIME JOB.
Dear CRAZIES THAT I ENCOUNTERED AT MY PART-TIME JOB,
Oh, hey guys. I hesitate to put you all into one category because you're so vastly different. Do you mind separating yourselves into the groups in which you think you belong? I'll come by to each group, one by one..please keep your voices down while I take this journey..it's hard to hear in this small room.
1. People that put a question mark at the end of their names...
*Me: And what is your name?
Mmmmk..My question for you is this, Angela...are you not sure of that last statement? I'll admit it, I'm a little worried. Has your name changed since you popped out of your mother? I could understand if you were from Japan and you decided to "Americanize" your name when you got here, but Angela sounds like a pretty standard name to me, but it's very likely that I'm ignorant.
Here's my theory about you, Angela?, I think you have low self-steam. You make excuses for simply being you. You don't shout from the mountain tops, "I AM ANGELA! HEAR ME ROAR! LET'S TONGUE-KISS, WORLD!"Angela, I don't think you do this. Methinks you should look into it.
2. People that whisper on the phone...
Hello? Are you there? I can't hear you..hello?? (Madde turns up the volume on the phone to the highest point) HELLO?????
Oh, there you are. You see, I couldn't hear you...do you know why? I couldn't hear you because you were whispering on the phone. When you whisper on the phone, person on the other line....I worry. I think you might be stuck in a bomb shelter somewhere, or sitting next to a sleeping bear that will eat you if you get too loud. If neither of those things are happening, a bit of advice...speak up, please. I don't speak dolphin whistle. There is no way I will be able to hear you.
3. People that talk on their cellphones while paying for their things...
4 simple words for you. GET.OFF.YOUR.PHONE.
Seriously, I'm here in front of you...there are people behind you...there are people around you..get of your stinkin' phone for 3 minutes and get this business taken care of. Please especially don't whisper at me and throw your credit card at me to do your bidding as you chat away! You are hurting my feelings sorta..
Person on your phone, how important is that conversation about your son's first kiss at his school dance? I can tell you that I certainly don't care, and that if your son knew you even knew about it AND were blabbing your mouth about it to another mother on the phone..he'd be horrified! Said son would ask to move out, be put up for adoption, or get a new mother (like that movie where those kids get to go choose new parents at an old market..do you remember that movie? I loved that movie..a lot. Anyone know the name of that one? Let's watch it and snuggle..) Anyway, get off your phone please and treat me with respect..gracias.
Crazies, I get that we all have to live together. I just ask that you learn to interact in the real world like a normal person. I really hope you do some self-exploration and reassess how you rock it in the world?
I say this from the bottom of my heart, crazies...Truly. Deeply. Passionately. Sincerely.