Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ummmm...is this a date thingy? Should I have showered?

Firstly..So, let’s talk about the pink elephant in the room. I haven’t written a blog in a month.

Sorry. My bad, I’ve been super busy doing…umm…well…I was..umm…doing…nothing. I wasn’t doing anything. I don’t have an excuse. I got grumpy after my February holiday posts, and subsequently lost the passion for the blog..it’s back though. The passion is back. I promise.

Mmmmk..now that that’s out of the way. Let’s do a little roleplay, shall we? Grab a friend. Stretch out. Facial stretches too! Raisin!!!! SUNNNN!!!! Raisin!!! SUUUUN!

You can do shake-outs too if you’d like. Mmmk..ready? Great. Dance belts on? Even better.

(The scene: a street corner)

Boy: Hey, Girl!

Girl: Hey, Boy!

Boy: So I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?

Girl: Sure! Where?

Boy: Meet you at the movie theater?

Girl: Great!

If you’re a lady, one thought comes to your mind…What eff does that mean? We’ve all been there, and we all know that the entire evening after that vague invitation is spent on the phone with our girlfriends and gays dissecting the invitation. How did he say it? If he said it in a low voice, he hates you. High voice? He’s probs likes boys. Did he smile? Did he smile too much? Too much of a smile? Don’t trust him..he’s a human version of the Cheshire Cat. Did he touch your arm? I hope he didn’t touch you too much. He’s a creeper if he touched you too much. Did he poop by accident when he asked you out? Because if so, he needs a diaper. So make sure you have one in your purse for him when you pick him up at the nursing home. And finally, DID HE JUST ASK YOU OUT ON A…DATE?

The question inevitably arises, what constitutes A DATE? Having gone to all-girls school my whole life, I lost touch with the meaning (or perhaps never even learned) of a “date”. You see any interaction with a boy outside the lady bin, could technically be considered a date. When I first got to college my distraction level SKYROCKETED! Who are these creatures that walk among us? I can tell you what they are…they are dudes.

In my adulthood I search for the answer. Are we hanging out as FRIENDS? Are we going out on a DATSIES? And if so, what the eff constitutes a “date”? The 80s classic When Harry Met Sally, will tell you that men can never be friends with a woman, but I think I may disagree. Women’s magazines will tell you many things.

General rules say..It’s a date if he…

1. Pays

2. Picks you up in his wheels.

3. Touches you while he talks.

4. If his face is on your face..this is called a kiss..and it means you're on date...or he tripped.

Well here are my problems with those things.

  1. I have a job (well I did, before I quit..woops!). I am 21. If he is living BELOW the poverty level like me, he shouldn’t have to pay for me. That’s very presumptuous. If he does pay, that's a major plus! With that said..It's not a dealbreaker all the time.
  2. Picks me up in his wheels? I just worked really hard to buy myself a car all by myself…I want to drive it. Also, I live in a ‘hood that no one knows how to navigate. What if he doesn’t know how to use mapquest? I like to drive. I also run late. What if I’m running late, I don’t want him being awkward and waiting for me in his car. That’s awkward. I once had a gentleman caller that would pick me up. I made him wait downstairs a lot. Subsequently, it led to a conversation between my Nanna and I about how I was "being mean to that young boy downstairs, and if I wanted him to like me..I would have to step up my game". If I had driven? We wouldn't have ever had that uncomfortable conversation.
  3. Mmmk..I have no boundaries. I touch EVERYONE..ALL THE TIME. I can't help it. The problem is, if I like you..I over analyze my touch. It's weird. I'm weird. Get over it and just hold my hand if you're a dude and you like The Madde. It will take the absurd stress off of me thinking all the time, "woops..I accidently touched him..damn my inappropriate boundaries!"
  4. Ok. I’ll get on board with this one. If his mouth is on my face..he either tripped, or he like’s him a little Madde up in there. Woot! Woot! (gross.i'm sorry)

Women's magazines, 80s movies, all-girls school, and self-analyzing aside...to me, a date is with someone you really dig. I don't know if we have to use the word "date" to make it official, or if we even HAVE to make it "official", but at the end of the day, if the person digs you and you dig them..it doesn't matter whether we have called it a "date" or called it a "let's go for a walk down the street"..you'll know. I hope. Til then let's stop the over-thinking, let's chill the eff out, and just have fun!

Buuuutttt..if someone actually can give me a definition of a date..I'm willing to listen. If you are that smarty person, please write a book and give me a copy. I own a highlighter and promise to read it cover-to-cover.

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