Anyone who has spent an ounce of time Facebook stalking me knows that my head is my canvas. I couldn't help but wonder (thanks Carrie b!), has my head art repelled the men from me? Let's take a journey..shall we?
This is me when I was about 3. As you can see I had a short, blonde hair cut. I enjoyed picking my nose, wearing animal prints, and rockin' large grass skirts. (Sound familiar?) I was a hit with men of all ages at age 3! Legend has it that I was kissed by a boy against a car wearing this leopard bathing suit. I was hot. I couldn't help it.
Fast forward 15 years and you got this...
Yes, this. A giant mop of blonde atop my head. I didn't seem to own a brush, but the boys sure did come a callin'! I'd say the average was about three gentlemen callers every 6 months. Woo! Suck it.
The blonde "wind swept" look wasn't cuttin' it for me back in Catholic school, so I tried a few options. These included:
A dirty, brown mop I found in the family cleaning closet.
And yes, even some blue extensions and a fake nose.
Men count? I'd say about 1/2 a guy every 6 months.
(Uh oh. Are you doing the math??)
In my High School theatre program I was given the award of "Most likely to show up to rehearsal with a different hair color"...and they were right.
Then post-high school life came and I needed a change. I was a woman after all! And what do women do to show they are real woman? That's right. Let's all say it together! They get...
The bangs proved to be problematic though. Even though I had not cut my hair off (like this "theory" would tell us), the gentlemen callers diminished ASTRONOMICALLY! Uh-oh! What happened? They were just some sassy bangs! What did I do wrong?
In a moment of extreme panic, I knew I had to do something different. After all, I was a woman now. So what does a woman in a panic do? Let's all say it together! She...
GROWS OUT HER BANGS AND DYES HER HAIR BROWN!
NOOOO!! Men count? Still zero. In fact, at this point in my life many an assumed gentlemen caller took the time to tell me that they had decided they would date boys instead from now on. So I would say the man count was at least -3. Uh-oh...what is happening?
Fearing a life of spinsterhood at age 19, I knew that another drastic change was in order. So I tried doing things like..
...wearing wacky head dresses...
...and then I seemed to have lost my brush. When I lost my brush, I found I had more time to play with my make-up. (uh-oh)
My life had become unmanageable.
What was I to do? My man count was at an all-time lifetime low. I was over-accessorizing, missing my lips when I tried to put on lipstick, and wearing blue eye shadow.
Things were tough.
Really. Really. Tough.
I only had one option...
....get a can of spray paint, and go back to blonde.
Maybe this time, the blonde would encourage heterosexual males to flock toward the Madde.
And it did! My man count was up to at least 1 every 3 months. After the slump of the last few years, this was an incredible improvement. I started feeling confidant, sassy, and bold.
In fact, I even started wearing a sassy bun in my hair.
(YOU decide if that is the hand of a gentleman caller. Jealous?)
Things were going swimmingly until I got up on my sassy horse and started getting "creative".
...a silk headband and a stink eye, led to crazy nights of...
...riding vaccums and wearing Yankees caps..
...mismatched patterns and prints, and yes, even a fake crown..
Man count? 3 or 4 a day..by accident, I'm sure.
Life needed to be taken more seriously. So I decided to become an intellectual.
So, I bought some glasses, tried the brown out again, and CUT MY HAIR!
Man count? Doubled! WHAAAT?
You see, as an intellectual I was able to fool my gentlemen callers into thinking that I was "mysterious" and "fascinating"...My short, dark hair made people think that I spent all my time in the library!
I also started wearing sunglasses a lot. This made me even MORE "mysterious"
..I never took them off.....and everyone thought I was such a hipster.
Man count? Doubled after the other double! Whaaat? Short, dark hair was really workin' for me!
Until things went horribly wrong.
No, I didn't get a pumpkin hand (I wish)..
No, in fact, my dark hair had now made me..dark. I spent my evenings carving pumpkins instead of going out on dates.
I needed another change.
And this is what happened.
I turned myself into a blonde baby doll.
And I loved it! Boy, did I love it! I was feeling empowered!
Men hating me for my short hair?
What's a man? I'm fabulous! Get out of my way world! I've got people to hug! Smile parties to attend! I don't need a boyfriend! I just need sunshine!
...I attended smile parties every day!!
...I wore flowers in my hair and scrunched my nose up like a kitten..
....and then I lost my brush again. And things went down hill.
The man count had obviously diminished because I wasn't opening myself up for love. I didn't have time to do that between all of my hair bleaching and bang trim appointments.
I felt low.
So I did this..
Yes, I cut my hair off like Peter Pan.
I was in Neverland, after all.
...I started wearing only unitards, animal prints, and fake fur. The sunglasses had returned.
...I made out with only stuffed bears.
It was an all-time low.
Over the last few months, there have been vast improvements. Why? My hair is growing.
As it grows, I return to that girl I love the most. It's back to the doll bob, and you know what? Things are effing great.
Gentlemen caller count? Can't tell you that... But it's not zero. So that's fun.
I've started wearing bows, having more smile parties, and giving lots more hugs.
Sounds a lot like this chick...
..Adult Madde still has that bob, wears lots of animal prints, likes to pick her nose, and kiss boys against cars. She can't help it. It's just who she's been since her babyhood.
It doesn't matter what color or length your hair is. It's your confidence in how you wear it that matters. (Enter music you'd hear on an emotional finale of "Boy Meets World")
That little girl with her bright blonde bob, in her leopard swimsuit...spent her time picking her nose, and her gentlemen caller count was sky-high! She was pushing them up against cars and making their days. So why can't adult Madde be the same? After all, we are the same person.