Dear HENNEPIN AVENUE WEEKENDERS,
You guys are really cramping my style. I usually try to avoid this strip at all costs, but tonight I was showing some Canadians the Minneapolis "hot spots" and apparently you fall into that category. As I have become accustomed to do, I shall now break you down into categories so I may talk to you crazy people more directly.
1. Ladies out for "GIRLS NIGHT!! WOOO!!"
See this picture? This is the image that came up when I googled "hookers". Do these women look familiar to you? They should! You know why? Because you are dressed exactly like them! Ladies (I use this word ironically), some time I would like to go shopping with you. At this time we will talk about "Size of Dress" vs. "Size of YOU!". We will also discuss "How to walk down the street in heels", "Closing our legs when we get out of cars", and most importantly, "How to stay home on the weekends, and subsequently save money because you don't have to purchase as much eye make-up".
2. Drug Dealers
Drug dealers, do I seriously look like your clientele? I don't know where you went to drug dealing school, but when you ask me if I would like to buy drugs from you and I say "Umm..no thanks", drug dealing text books would say you would move on and find a new client to buy your drugs, right? That's not what you did, Drug Dealers. While I respect how persistent your business model is, telling me that "You'll reconsider this decision" is a dumb response and not going to get me to buy your drugs from you. You know why? Because D.A.R.E taught me not to do drugs. Just sayin'. Drug Dealers, go back to D.A.R.E!
3. The D-wads who towed my Jetta
What the eff? Seriously? Seriously?? You're going to TOW MY CAR?? SERIOUSLY? Wait..hold on...that sign says the lot closes at 2:30 am. You're right. You should tow the Jetta.
Oh wait! NO YOU'RE NOT! It's 2:45! Give a girl a grace period!! SERIOUSLY! Ugh. I need a pancake.
4. Ridiculous Bachelorette Parties
I'm just going to say it. If your future husband saw you right now...he would reconsider his decision. I know that's harsh, but it's true. "Buuuut WHYYYYY?" the girl in the veil and unfortunate sash that says "Bride-to-EFFING-BE!!" in a ridiculous Muppet voice. I'll tell you why, Mrs. Muppet.
First off, what's with all the grumpy faces? You look grumpy. Your girlfriends look grumpy. Even the guy who just walked out of that strip club looks grumpy. I'VE even become grumpy just staring at you. Wipe those pouts off your faces...YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!
And those shirts you had made that say "Rachel's Bachelorette Party! One more reason to FLASH the world!!"? You remember those? First, when you ordered those online you should have asked for a bigger size. No one looks good in a bedazzled tank top...NO ONE! Especially when said bedazzled tank top is made for a toddler, not a grown women who has plans to do keg stands all evening.
You are all hot messes. I suggest the following things tomorrow morning. Wash your face. Drink some water. Delete those pictures you took with every gay man you encountered on the Avenue. Pretend like it never happened.
Never speak of it again. Trust me.
5. Dudes who look like THIS:
Stop it. Just stop it.
HENNEPIN AVENUE WEEKENDERS, I appreciate your desire to come "party" in Minneapolis. I just don't think I can be down there with you again. Ever. Someone text me when you leave.