I became irrationally angry at some girls feet tonight. Here is my tale: an open letter to...FLIP FLOPS!
Dear Flip Flops,
Who the hell do you think you are? Are you shoes? Are you slippers? Are you a shower sock? Or are you nothing more than cheap pieces of rubber that promote sprained ankles? What is happening with you? What's your deal?!? I'm super confused. All I know is this fact: you make me so angry sometimes.
You can keep flippin' and floppin' all over town, Flip Flops, but know that you have an enemy in me.
First of all, have some self-respect and get some coverage for the top of a foot! Jeeze louise. You just keep walkin' around, gathering dust and dirt build-up around your stupid little v-shaped strap. You and I used to be friends, but every time I took you off, that dirt V that appeared on my foot was so sickening that I threw you in the back of my closet and chose not to hear your cries for help when my cat gnawed on your pink rubber heels.
Second, women should have to sign waivers before putting you on. In this waiver they would promise to ensure that their toes didn't resemble anything that could be found on an elf, including, but not limited to, wacky long toenails and hobbit hair on their toe tops. As for dudes, dudes should never wear flip flops! When did you become so damn inclusive, flip flops?!? You should know you aren't proper footwear for men!
In conclusion, I effing hate you flip flops. You make people look like d-wads when they wear you. You get dirty very quickly. And you're just generally stupid. Get out of my closet and don't look back for any love from me.