Wednesday, September 15, 2010

When You Wish Upon a ManVault.

Every few years Disney goes deep into their Disney Vaults and releases some of their classic films again. As I walked through my local DVD retailer yesterday, I found myself drawn to the Disney aisle. Picking up each beloved remastered cartoon, holding it close to my chest as I hummed "When You Wish Upon a Star" with tears welled up in my Alice in Wonderland blue eyes.

.....And then I remembered something very important:

Bambi's Mom got shot. 

The nostalgia of seeing those old Disney films in their brand new shiny packaging, made me forget how awful it was when that baby deer's mother was shot and killed in front of me as a child. Somehow I had been dragged into the vault and there was no hope of my escape. Memories, emotions, catchy songs about whistling, had all overtaken my logic. You guys, BAMBI'S MOM GOT SHOT! And I fell for it!! AGAIN!

I've been going into my own vault these's called a Man Vault. (Wait...what? Gross. No. I didn't mean it that way!) I digress...the Man Vault: A place where you keep all of the the men you've ever gone on dates with. You keep them in the man vault for safe-keeping...just in case you have a change of heart somewhere down the line.

Here's the thing about going into the depths of your own personal Man Vault, when we dabble in the Man Vault, BEWARE: everything will look shiny and new again. Maybe he's even remastered himself with a haircut, better teeth brushing skills, social graces that don't make you want to crawl into a corner and die every time you find yourself out in public with him.

Let me illustrate this for you...for example: 

6 Months ago: An arrogant bully with an affinity for tight shirts and looking in the mirror. 

After 6 months in the vault: Aladdin. Hot. No shirt. 


Don't be fooled. I repeat, do not be fooled. Proceed with caution. Now, it is very possible that 6 months in the Man Vault will have him coming out a changed man. I know I've changed in those 6 months, fingers crossed that he has too!

My dabbling in the Man Vault the last few weeks has brought some very nice surprises though. Bachelor #1 may have been an uptight man-baby 6 months ago, but has loosened up in the vault and has apparently looked up the words "fun to be around" and "don't be boring around adorable girls" in the dictionary. Thank God. The nerves and anxiety of our first interactions have gone by the wayside, and while I don't want to date him is nice to see him growing as a human being. I was worried there for awhile.

There is a Man Vault problem that I need to warn you about. The shiny new boxes for the new Disney remastered films allow us to fool ourselves into thinking that somehow the movie inside is going to be different. True, sometimes the Disney detectives have found an alternate ending to Cinderella sitting on cutting room floor (In that new version Cinderella is sent to work for a pumpkin farm and spends the rest of her life putting on Halloween extravaganzas for the community...), but usually the story is still the same. Dumbo is still made fun of for his freakishly large ears, Eeyore is still a downer, and BAMBI'S MOTHER IS STILL SHOT AND KILLED!

He may have been in the Man Vault for 6 months, but be aware that his storyline is still pretty much the same thing. If you are a true Disney fan, you will wish upon a star and hope for him to change his ways. It's possible! ;) The nostalgia of days gone by may have brought you back to him, but know this: he may look shiny and remastered on the outside, but usually it's the same ol' movie from before.

Also, I'm pretty sure HE was the one who shot and killed Bambi's mother. Jerk.