Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Butt Sniffing, The Situation, and "The Incident": A Cautionary Tale

I think our canine friends have it all figured out.

When dogs first meet they sniff each other's butts. Butt sniffing just gets it all out of the way right up top. Smelly butt? Smelly future with new dog friend. It's as easy as that. 

Human butt sniffing practices have gone out of style recently. Since it is taboo to sniff the anal region of a new friend when we meet them, we are left only with our first impressions. 

Let's take a moment and talk about first impressions, shall we? Let me tell you a story, kiddies. Snuggle in with your goldfish crackers and get ready for a tale.

The other night I met a strapping young gentleman. For the purposes of this story, let's call him...."The Incident" (like The Situation...but a six pack of beer, not of abs). "The Incident" had the charm. "The Incident" had the smarts. "The Incident" had the cutes. Immersed in our first conversation, I couldn't help but think how lovely this new friend was. He got a lot of points right up top from me. Sense of humor? Check! Similar interests and passions? Check! Not the last few nerd nightmares I've had to spend my time with recently? Check!

Now let's travel ahead in time, shall we? 2 hours later. The party is bumpin'. I'm feelin' fine like red wine. "The Incident" has clearly thrown a few too many back in the whole black hole of his mouth region. Time to go home. While riding shotgun in my beloved Jetta as I gave him a pity ride home, "The Incident" declares that he'd like to take me out for a drink sometime. I oblige politely and tell him when he's sober we can chat about that possibility. "The Incident" tells me I'm pretty. I smile demurely like a lady should. Then....."The Incident" PUKES. ALL. OVER. THE. JETTA. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a SITUATION AND an INCIDENT up in here.

For all you gentlemen looking to pick up a lady-friend out there...some advice: 

Forgive the expression, but this puking incident put a bad taste in my mouth. All of "The Incident's" positive traits I had gathered from the evening went flying out the window with his vomit (the amount that actually made it to the window, at least). This was an example of a BAD first impression. 

Nowhere in my future friendship with "The Incident" will I ever be able to forget that on the first night I met him, he called me pretty and vomited all over my beloved Jetta. Apparently my beauty made him ILL?!? We don't bounce back from this. 

I wish I had known a few hours earlier that this incident was a possibility, but HOW?? Society says the butt-sniffing practices of our canine companions may not have pin-pointed "The Incident" and my future problems, but it may have...we'll never know because society tells us to keep our noses to ourselves. It's too bad. I'm going against the societal norms. Beware of your butts, I may have to sniff out our problems. I'm apologizing in advance. 

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