Saturday, April 24, 2010

An open letter to the....TEENS GOING TO PROM!

Prom season has begun!

No adult restaurant is safe. All gazebos in the Twin Cities parks are at risk. Yes, the High Schoolers are out for one night only! PROM WEEKENDS HAVE TAKEN OVER SPRING!

As I sat in the bar of the Lexington tonight they creeped in...And by creeped in, I mean they were so effing loud and obnoxious I couldn't keep my merlot down. Cheap satin, concerning glitter placement, and boobs for days. Yes, Prom season has come upon us and we must come prepared. So, my open letter to TEENS GOING TO PROM.


1. Why are your boobs hanging out? You're 17. Put them away. This isn't Hooters, this is the Lex.

2. Your date looks like a sleezeball in that silver tux.

3. When you enter a restaurant, others are residing there. Shut your face, we're not at Disneyland. If we were at Disneyland this Cosmopolitan that I'm enjoying would be called a Mickeypolitan, and my glass would be in the shape of mouse ears.

4. You are drunk. You got drunk somewhere in between the time you took those awkward posed pictures in Como Park and when your parents dropped you off at the door of this restaraunt and disrupted my evening. Here's some advice: Later in the evening you will be dancing to some lame Justin Beiber song..and you will be shakin' your thang so much that you will puke on your date. I suggest you don't do that. Drink some water and dump the tequila down the drain. It's not worth it. 

5. Please, for the love of GOD!!! DO.NOT.GET.IN.A.CAR.AFTER.YOU.HAVE.BEEN.DRINKING. I know I sound like an old fart, but don't do it. Just don't. 

6. Have fun and resist the urge to sleep with the dude in the silver tux. We can't have you as a new cast member on "16 and Pregnant".



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