Sunday, April 11, 2010

Somewhere over the rainbow...lie all my ex-boyfriends.

I received a phone call tonight from a very dear friend. It went something like this....

I'm glad you answered the phone so late.
You were the only person who was going to understand this!
I think I met my soul mate.
We like all the same things.
He's wonderful.
I love him. 
I want to hook up with him...a lot.
He's gay! NOO!!
I finally know how you feel all the time!"

WOAH! Hold the phone! You felt like ME? Ok, fine. I get it. I would go to me too. You see, I understand this tale...VERY well. 

Many a gay man has fallen for the Madde. I suppose it's in my DNA or something. This brings me to my...... 


  1. My love of show tunes and the theatre. 
  2. I wear sparkle in the daytime.
  3. Four words: Liza Minnelli. Barbra Streisand. 
  4. I haven't met a rumour I don't like to hear and then spread. :)
  5. I own a wide variety of high-heeled foot decorations...and I wear them with ease and grace. 
  6. Natural fabulousity? I've got it. 
  7. My love of abbreviating words like "totes," and having no fear about using them in regular conversation.
  8. The bigger my hair, the happier I am. I'm not afraid to tease it up. 
  9. I wear things like exaggerated-shouldered denim jackets and hot pink leggings with no irony at all.
      These things (and many more) make me a prime candidate for many gents who are looking to... should I say this...umm...well...they are looking to....ummm..."find themselves". Usually, they have some inkling that they want to date men, but use me as a distraction on their journey to gayville. This is not a job I take lightly, in fact I take this job very seriously. I'm their last shot at a woman for a very long time, so I have to really make my mark. I guess we could say this is a compliment to me. I'm so fabulous they couldn't help but get a date or two in with me before they bid adieu to the ladies! I'm flattered, boys...simply flattered. 

    My problem? Well usually I fall for the gents before I know they are gay. WOOPS! I tell myself, "No, Madde. He's just sensitive. That's sweet. That means he'll be a great father....No, Madde. He's not holding hands with that guy at the bar..he's just giving him a palm reading!" Yes, folks, I fool my little heart into believing that they are all about the ladies, when in fact, they are all about the dudes! Yay! It has become a running joke amongst my friends that I always have to check to make sure the guys I am crushing on or casually dating aren't gay. Le sigh. But here's the little secret they never tell you in dating can use your intuition, you can ask all his friends, you can even ASK HIM, and he can always end up likin' the boys! Darn it!

So what can we do to avoid dating gay men, Madde? My extensive scientific research proves that you can...NOT do anything about it. Enjoy it. Continue to live in your fabulousity. And a straight one will come around soon. :) all of you experiencing the "oh my god, the guy I'm dating is gaysies" for the first time... :) Welcome to the club! Also know that there is a GREAT parting gift to this seemingly horrible dating disaster......

LOTS AND LOTS OF NEW GAY BOYFRIENDS!  :) YOU LUCKY DUCKS, YOU!  YAAAAAY! Please enjoy this song.... it's my theme song...

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